Ricky Gervais promised to piss off and insult Hollywood. He did not disappoint. He opened the 73rd annual Golden Globes by mocking Sean Penn, Caitlyn Jenner, Roman Polanski, Jennifer Lawrence, Jeffrey Tambor, Ben Affleck, and many others. Twitter was NOT pleased with his brusque commentary on Jenner’s transition, specifically. As some people audibly groaned from the audience, Gervais shot back.
“Shut up — I don’t care!”
What Gervais said to Mel Gibson that was entirely bleeped by NBC. Some got worse than others…
— “It’s right that NBC should host this award show. They’re the only network that’s truly fair and impartial and that’s because they’re the only network with zero nominations. So… nothing in it for ‘em tonight. They don’t care, obviously.”
— “One publication said me hosting would mean some film stars would stay away for fear of being made fun of. As if film stars would stay away from a chance of getting a Golden Globe — particularly if their film company has already paid for it.”
— “I’m going to be nice tonight. I’ve changed — not as much as Bruce Jenner. Obviously. Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course. What a year she’s had! She became a role model for trans-people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn’t do a lot for women drivers. But you can’t have everything, can ya? Not at the same time.”
— “You disgusting, pill-popping, sexual deviant scum. I’m going to do this monologue and then go into hiding. Not even Sean Penn will find me… snitch.”
— “You’re global megastars with amazing talent. Most of you. Some of you just married well. You know who are you. We all do.”
— “The excellent Spotlight has been nominated. Yeah. The Catholic Church are furious about the film as it it exposes that 5 percent of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it ‘the best date movie ever.’”
— “The Hollywood Foreign Press deemed The Martian a comedy and even nominated it. And hence, Matt Damon is here tonight. So that worked a treat, didn’t it? To be fair, The Martian was a lot funnier than Pixels. But then again, so was Schindler’s List.“
— “Jennifer Lawrence made the news when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood. She received overwhelming support from people everywhere. There were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers saying, ‘How the hell can a 25-year-old live on $52 million?!
— “Of course woman should be paid the same as men for doing the same job. And I’d like to say now, I’m being paid exactly the same as [what Tina Fey and Amy Poehler received] last year. No, I know there were two of them, but it’s not my fault if they want to share the money, is it? That’s their stupid fault. It’s funny because it’s true.”
— “All-female remakes are the big thing. There’s a female remake of Ghostbusters. There’s going to be a female remake of Ocean’s 11. And this is brilliant for the studios because they get guaranteed box office results and they don’t have to spend too much money on the cast.”
— “The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press said if I say anything offensive, or crass, or resort to innuendo, he’s going to personally come out here and ‘pull me off.’ So that’s an offer I couldn’t refuse. Yes, yes, that is the level — an old man pulling me off. Again. At least Jeffrey Tambor did it in a dress.”
— On introducing presenter Matt Damon: “He’s the only person Ben Affleck hasn’t been unfaithful to.”
— On introducing Eva Longoria and America Ferrera: “Two people who your future president, Donald Trump, can’t wait to deport.”
— On the films Joy and Trainwreck. “No, not the names of Charlie Sheen’s favorite hookers. The movies of these next two presenters.”
— On introducing Mel Gibson after his infamous takedown of the actor during the Globes in 2010: “I’m in the awkward position of having to introduce him again. Listen, I’m sure it’s embarrassing for both of us. I blame NBC for this terrible situation. Mel blames… we know who Mel blames. Listen, I still feel a bit bad for it. Mel’s forgotten all about it apparently, that’s what drinking does. I want to say something nice about Mel before he comes out. So: I’d rather have a drink with him in his hotel room tonight than with Bill Cosby.”
Then after Gibson came out on stage, Gervais asked him, entirely bleeped by NBC…
“What the fuck does ‘sugar tits’ even mean?’”
He finished off with this…
“If you do win tonight, remember that no one cares about that award as much as you do. OK? Don’t get emotional — it’s embarrassing. That award is — no offense — worthless. It’s a bit of metal that some nice old confused journalists wanted to give you in person so they could meet you and have a selfie with you. That’s all it is. I’ve got three Golden Globes, myself. One’s a doorstop, one I use to hit burglars with and one I keep by the bed to — doesn’t matter why. It’s mine! I won it fair and square. It’s just the right shape and size. It’s nothing. So to be clear: That was a joke about me shoving Golden Globes — that I’ve won — up my ass. And they asked me to host four times!”
Yes, the was an eclipse in Hollywood, there was SO MUCH shade at the Globes. You loved it, right? Check out a full list of winners here.