I’m sure you’ve heard that blowhard/POTUS candidate Donald Trump insulted Senator John McCain. Trump said he does not owe McCain an apology for saying he’s only a war hero “because he was captured.” According to Mr. Charming, he left to a “standing ovation” after dishing out that gem at the Family Leadership Council summit.

And once again, he’s up in the polls! So, given that America seems to LOVE his “take no prisoners” approach to campaigning, it makes you wonder what he’ll say next to endear himself to the U.S. of fuckin’ A!. Well, Funny or Die‘s Adam McKay is on it already with this Exclusive Report on Trump’s news plans for capturing America’s heartland:

After insulting all Mexican immigrants as “rapists” and claiming POWs aren’t heroes because “they got captured” and seeing his poll numbers go up, Donald Trump put his sometimes-abrasive campaign into fifth gear Monday morning.

While speaking at an event in midtown Manhattan for the Iowa primary he called a nun, Sister Anne Discordia, a “no good cunt” and then threw a cue ball, which for some reason he had in his pocket, at an infant. The infant suffered bruises but is in good condition. Sister Dacordia called the incident “traumatizing” but, because it was Donald Trump, “in no way surprising.”

People booed and hissed Trump after the incidents but at one point someone yelled, “Hey, he’s no-nonsense and isn’t playing by the rules.” The booing then slowly turned to applause and Trump’s poll numbers are now higher than ever.

An anonymous source inside the Trump campaign says this is just the beginning.

“We’re planning for Trump to go to a hospice and tell everyone to ‘pick up the pace and die already!’ Then we’ll take Trump to a little league baseball game where he will get drunk and make a buzzer sound after every child swings and misses.

“We’re also excited about Mr. Trump’s upcoming appearance at a homeless shelter where Trump will throw $100 bills into a blender and call a lot of people losers and dummies.”

Trump’s new slogan “Lick my Dong America. I’m rich and you’re not” is a reflection of the aggressive tone the New York businessman’s campaign has struck of late.

Some insiders are predicting Ann Coulter could be named Trump’s running mate. “The Trump campaign needs to keep getting more and more disgusting to appeal to the Republican base. And who’s more offensive and disgusting than Ann Coulter?” said Ann Coulter from her undisclosed lair.

(via Funny or Die)