I was a fag. It’s true. At a british boarding school. Although it was the 1970s, the place was more like the 1870s. We had to wear black gowns and perform plays in ancient Greek. I only ever landed a part as non-speaking hand maiden to Clytemnestra. But that isn’t the kind of fag I was. The bloke I fagged for had the unfelicitous name of Ainsworth. I had to rise before dawn, polish his shoes, clean his dishes, and wake him with a cup of Earl Grey tea just before 7:00AM. Throughout the day and into the evening there would be other chores and errands. He was a beak, which means prefect, and he has since gone on to great things: Peter Ainsworth is a conservative member of Parliament especially concerned about the environment. Just goes to show that behind every great man there’s a fag. Or something.

– Fenton Bailey