All seemed to be going to plan this morning at the Judge Judy star ceremony on the Walk of Fame. Judy had disrobed (ack! in the legal sense!) and was looking fierce in a purple two-piece. The assembled crowd of fans and photographers were quiet and well-behaved. There was an air of hushed respect surrounding the Judge, which was weirdly unusual for a Hollywood hoop-la-doop ceremony. There was also something extremely unnerving about the way Judy’s eyes were darting around, seemingly picking through the crowd, and then narrowing as they settled on a lone figure standing in the VIP section. “John Voight?” hissed Judge Judy, “Why have you been summoned before me today?” “Um, I’m not… I’m just here to congratulat…,” stammered Voight, for it was indeed him. But his protests came too late as Judge Judy shot through the crowd toward him like a ferret up a drainpipe, flooring Voight with a surprise headbutt to the groin, all the while screaming “HEAL YOUR BITTER RIFT WITH ANGELINA, VOIGHT, THEN COME BEFORE ME AND MAKE YOUR PETTY CASE OF GRANDPARENT VISITATION RIGHTS. RESPONSIBILITY STARTS AT HOME, MOTHERFUCKER!” before straddling her quarry’s chest and quite literally hammering her point home with her judge’s gavel on Voight’s bloodied head.

– Steven Corfe