Off to Rome on Friday. Unless, of course, we don’t get to go because the boyfriend is on a No Fly list. He flew to Portland last weekend for a wedding and decided to take a pocket knife on board. He was detained briefly and forced to mail the knife to himself using this new Homeland Security machine which had a “hole that resembled a vagina” (his words, not mine). He stuck the “weapon” into the vagina (women, please don’t over-analyze this) and it wrapped the weapon in bubble wrap and then the vagina asked for his credit card number and claimed it would “mail him his belongings within a few days for 10 dollars.” Then they asked him to get into an enclosed glass box to test for explosives, which sent high-speed puffs of air over his entire body. When they blew air up his pants, he posed for the security personnel like Marilyn Monroe over the subway grate, at which point they let him go without further questions.
– Ray Cochran