Last night I watched the Showgirls of reality shows: Skating’s Next Star on We. Aspiring to be the frosty American Idol, the cool Project Runway, the icetacular Next Top Model, the show arrives on screen DOA.

The big no-budget show didn’t have any music to drive it other than some library muzak tinkling in the background. Even the contestants couldn’t seem to believe their bad luck to be on the show. Obliged to say they believed they would be “skating’s next star,” most contestants either cracked up, grimaced, or delivered the trademark line with all the feeling of dead Racooons. I’m sure they tried to sabotage it by making some of the strangest reaction shots ever captured on reality television.

No less freaky than the specimens on the ice were the judges: Host Kristi Yamaguchi is the low rent Heidi Klum, Oksana Grishuk the discount Paula Abdul, and Rudy Galindo tells us he is going to be Simon Cowell –but he’s more Rudy than rude.

Skate, don’t walk, to watch Skating’s Next Biggest Loser Star.

– Fenton Bailey