In honor of Dixie Carter’s death, I dug up this old NPR piece so that we can all get drunk on mint julips today and play Designing Women Mad Libs. Here is your do-it-yourself Julia Sugarbaker rant on why she does not watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette:
“I would rather spend two hours sharing [AN APPETIZER] with [A FAMOUS CRIMINAL] than watch a woman who apparently purchased her intellect at [AN INEXPENSIVE RETAILER] for [A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY] chase twenty-five men with biceps made of [A METAL] and heads packed with [A BREAKFAST CEREAL].
[sits down and crosses arms, but then immediately stands back up]
“And let me tell you a little something about romance: Handing out roses like you are a mascot throwing [A KIND OF CANDY] to the assembled hooligans at a [SPORTING EVENT] is not my idea of romance. Romance is a man who knows the difference between [HISTORICAL FIGURE NAMED “JOHN”] and [CELEBRITY NAMED “JOHN”] and who is capable of putting on [AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING] without scratching his head as if he is connecting a [HOME ELECTRONICS COMPONENT] without the instruction manual.
“So do not ask yourself why I do not particularly enjoy a television show where the assembled male candidates represent romantic prospects inferior to the workers on the night shift at the [CHAIN RESTAURANT] in [CITY IN THE SOUTHERN U.S.]. Ask yourself whether, after a lifetime playing with a cultural [A POPULAR TOY] and dancing on the grave of [A LITERARY FIGURE], you will ever…recover…your dignity.”
And… SCENE! [thunderous applause]