Bruce Willis survived a marriage with Demi Moore, onscreen explosions and more, but on Saturday night, he made it through a celebrity roast. (It was tied on July 14, btw.)
A diverse batch of celebs and comics, ranging from roast master Joseph Gordon-Levitt (who co-starred with Willis in Looper) and to zing-master Martha Stewart and Willis’ Moonlighting co-star, Cybill Shepard (And Moore!)
Nikki Glaser started off ribbing the evening’s host network:
“Comedy Central has been so cool. They’re like, ‘You can say whatever you want… just obviously not the n-word: Netflix…. is this going to be on Netflix? I want people to see it.”“
But thanks to the magic of editing, Dennis Rodman‘s painful 12 minutes struggling with pronunciation, flubbed lines, required numerous do-overs was minimized. And of course, he managed to bring up his love for Kim Jong un saying, “You keep making these bomb movies like Kim, but at least he is smart enough not to release his.” (Groan)
Here are some MUCH better zingers from the night:
“If you wanted to be humiliated, clearly we both know you could’ve just released another singing album. Whose idea was Bruce’s R&B album? His manager, and by manager, I mean cocaine. A Jeff Ross-size bag of cocaine.”
“I’m a big fan of Bruce’s music. I play it all my parties… when it’s late and time for everyone to leave.” –Martha Stewart
“Hollywood wouldn’t be Hollywood if they didn’t reward a man for aging into mediocrity.
But I still think you should have won the Academy Award for playing a neo-Nazi in American History X. If you had done that movie today you would have not only gotten an Oscar, you would get a cabinet position in the White House.”” –Cybill Shepherd
“Bruce has been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is where they make sick kids meet you so dying doesn’t seem so terrible.
You had an amazing action film career until Jason Statham started balding.” –Nikki Glaser
“Bruce Willis used to be a big action star. Now when you look in the mirror, you see dead people. I hope this roast doesn’t end with you realizing your career was dead the entire time.
Bruce looks like Elmer Fudd if he hunted shitty scripts instead of wascally wabbits.” –Jeff Ross
“You were so good in The Sixth Sense. How did you pretend not to care while a 10-year-old acted circles around you? And I loved the twist at the end, when Bruce goes back to making shitty movies.
…we’re going to have a good time tonight, but don’t get too comfortable because later we’re going to be replacing you with Ashton Kutcher.” –Joseph Gordon-Levitt
The highlight of the evening was surprise guest, Willis’ still smokin’ ex, Demi Moore…
“I just think Bruce never really got over the fact that I rocked the bald look better than he did. After our divorce he said that he considered the end of our marriage his biggest failure. But Bruce, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve had much bigger failures. I mean, Planet Hollywood, Hudson Hawk, Striking Distance, campaigning for Michael Dukakis, turning down Clooney’s role in Ocean’s 11 so you could focus on playing the harmonica…
I remember when Bruce got cast in Pulp Fiction. He went to Harvey Weinstein’s hotel one night and came back the next morning saying ‘I got the part!'” –Demi Moore
But Bruce got the last word and a few of the best lines of the night,
“I love you Ed [Norton] but you have a rep of being hard to work with. You’ve rubbed more people the wrong way than Harvey Weinstein.
Kevin Pollak has made more money doing Schwarzenegger than his maid.
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie!”