The Harlot’s Guide to Classy Cocktails by drag queen/comedian/writer Jeza Belle features delicious drink recipes and stories of drunken debauchery from the likes of drag legends Sherry Vine, Latrice Royale, Glitz Glam, Yara Sofia, Sister Roma, Tyra Sanchez, Twixie Chardonay and more! Plus: There’s an introduction by none other than Lady Bunny! Check out a quick excerpt after the jump!
Via The Edge SF:
Compiled by Jeza Belle this collection cum glorified In-N-Out Burger secret menu for cocktails is sure to put sultry in your step and jazz in your hands.
It should go without saying that this compilation of cocktails is not family-friendly. Jeza Belle has committed herself to years of selfless research in order to find the greatest cocktails for a good time, and she has not curbed her tongue or her eyeliner while doing it. To be specific: Don’t let the innocent eyes of children glance at this smut. The language is flamboyantly filthy and the media art images are straight from Microsoft Word circa 1997. The recipes are toxic and the stories are raunchily politically incorrect. The glamour shots of the contributing Queens are a decadent affront of common decency, and the world needs more of it.
Pink Panty Dropper
12 ounce container frozen pink lemonade concentrate
12 ounces vodka
Ice
Lemon twists
Pour container of frozen lemonade concentrate into a blender filled with ice. Fill the empty container with vodka and add to blender. Cover and blend until the consistency of a slushy. Pour into glasses and garnish with lemon twists. Serve immediately.
The Tuck
1 bottle dry red wine
32 ounces orange soda, such as San Pellegrino
¼ cup brandy
¼ cup orange juice
1 apple, cored and cut into pieces
1 orange, sliced thin
1 lime, sliced thin
Lime twists
Combine ingredients, except lime twists, in a large pitcher and refrigerate for a minimum of two hours. Pour into glasses and garnish with lime twists
Excerpt (via Queerty)
It was Friday night, and I was bar-hopping all of the establishments in New York City’s West Village. By the time I left the last watering hole, I was feeling as fabulous as I looked! After all, I had just completed one of those torturous ten-day juice cleanses that had me drinking my weight in spicy lemonade in order to look as svelte as Twiggy.
As I made my way down Seventh Avenue, a crowd began to form. People started to point and yell out how much they loved me. In my delightfully inebriated state, I could not help but revel in the attention! All of that starvation was clearly paying off, as my slender figure was sending forth a siren’s call to the adoring masses.
After several photos, hugs, and handshakes, I was blowing kisses to the crowd when I overheard two men nearby engaged in conversation. With a look of confusion, one man turned to the other and asked, “Who the heck is that chick that everyone is going crazy over?” As I cocked my head back preparing to declare my name, the second man blurted out with certainty, “It’s that fat actress….Melissa McCarthy!” I let out an audible gasp. At once I realized that every photo-op I had just enjoyed was only a case of mistaken identity. After days of relentlessly squeezing fresh lemons into a guaranteed pound-shedding concoction, I was being confused with one of the chubbiest actresses on the planet! I put a smile back on my face and laughed with the crowd until the last picture was taken.
Then, I pursed my lips, adjusted my boobs, and stormed off in a Miss Piggy huff down the street to the nearest diner, where I drowned my diet in a trough of greasy food. Hell, if after not eating a solid morsel for close to two weeks I was still serving-up full-figured Hollywood starlet, why in the fuck would I continue to deny myself that cheeseburger and fries?!
Buy the The Harlot’s Guide to Classy Cocktails on Amazon.
