SHOCKING PHOTOS of your favorite celebrities (and one former celebrity) after the jump. 

1. Aretha Franklin arrives at her birthday party in New York, looking svelte and chic, god bless. Love that she’s showing off them gams! Get it, gurl! Coulda done without the fur, but I’m not going to hate on an old woman for wearing a fur. She’s from a different time, you know, when they had different values, and besides – I’ll bet its been sitting in her closet since “Chain of Fools.”

2. Gaga arrives at the Z-100 radio station in New York in a sparkling pink toreador outfit blah blah blah. Can’t quite figure out the tongue on the hat, though. Is it so she can keep it a jaunty angle as she walks? Are hat tongues a THING now? IS THIS BECAUSE OF MILEY? Is EVERYTHING going to have a tongue?

3. Speaking of tongues, and Miley, here’s Austin Mahone‘s tongue. Groan. Getting a little tired of waiting for his impending stardom to happen. If he’s so damned inevitable,  why is it taking so long to get him a top 40 hit? Throw some money at Ryan Tedder or Ne-Yo or FUCK ALL, just get Will.i.am to queef out a couple words to repeat ad infinitum AND BE DONE WITH IT. Make it happen, people. The slow build is SO LAST CENTURY.

4. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Do you recognize this face? It’s Lori Petty, star of Point Blank, Free Willy, and A League of Their Own. Leaving the liquor store at 10AM. Looking like 10 miles of bad road. Whooo. No judgement about the morning booze run, though. Been there, done that. But BABY, YOU’RE A STAR! You were in Tank Girl! You can’t just be trawling the streets LA dressed like… an extra from Tank Girl. This is unacceptable. There are LOADS of former stars who manage to keep up appearances. Sharon Stone comes to mind. Maybe take a page from Sharon’s book and dress UP! UP! UP! for your next trip to the liquor mart. Hire a stylist and a makeup artist! Get your hair done before-hand! See what a difference it makes! Baby steps. First you look good at the liquor store, NEXT STOP: The People’s Choice Awards!