It’s common knowledge that once they’ve made it to Hollywood, the American Idol contestants are kept under strict guard, locked away and shouded in secrecy inside a highly fortified mountain redoubt (possibly called the Renaissance Hotel) where Guantanamo-style security forces keep a watchful eye on Simon Cowell’s investments. Escape is impossible – if Hollywood was burning to the ground around them (as it almost did today), the Idol 9 would just have to accept a fiery death. So how was it that Idol favorite and Shrek look-alike Melinda Doolittle managed to elude her AI overseers long enough to make a break for the Bank of America at the corner of Sunset and Vine? For 15 glorious minutes this afternoon, Melinda was able to bask in the normalcy of getting her hands on some cold hard cash money just like us regular folks, most of whom tried extremely hard not to stare at her stubby, rhino-like neck and the puffy, pudgy, Vienna sausage-shaped nubbins she calls fingers – which can barely wrap themselves around a microphone, let alone grasp a pen long enough to sign the back of a check. And why would the one person who’s almost certain to win American Idol even need to go to a bank? Doesn’t Simon keep her fed and clothed? Does she need some quick cash to pay for a weekend of hookers and blow? Or maybe she needs to pay someone to wax and detail those giant teeth of hers? Whatever the case, Melinda was tight-lipped – which is quite a feat, given the size of her choppers. She simply scooped up her precious dollars between her doughy digits and waddled off into the smokey sunset.

– Chris May