I was standing in line at the ArcLight to buy a ticket to see United 93 and when I turned around, Jason Statham was standing behind me with some girl in cutesy pink frou-frou slutwear. You know the kind. I pointed to the cafe and screamed “HEY! LOOK OVER THERE,” which faked everyone out, including Jason’s girlfriend, and that’s when I did an apple jack leading into an aerial backflip and landed on the ticket counter. The nerdy Apple Store Genius Bar reject who was selling me a ticket yelled “WHATHAFUH?” and I answered his question with a kick to the head which sent him flying and landing on Jason’s slutty girlfriend. During the pandemonium, Jason and I took our leave by attaching ourselves to the bottom of the Metro Express Sunset Line headed for the downtown Standard. We spent the next two days ordering room service and discussing the renovation of our getaway carriage house in Santa Barbara. We’re planning a June wedding.
– Ray Cochran