Eddie Lotts writes:
I am sitting here contemplating my worst fear. If Kirstie Alley was telling her neighbor to leave because of the fire, then she had to leave as well, which means it’s possible that she may return to her house here in Wichita, KS, for a visit. She was born and raised here and seems to always be in town. She recently bought a bed and breakfast not far from where I live and converted it into her Wichita residence. (Interesting side note: Her new pad is two houses away from Wichita’s Scientology Center. Coincidence? Hmmmm….)
Because of our close proximity to each other, she seems to always be at the same restaurant that my partner and I decide to go to for a meal. While she isn’t eating Jenny Craig at these establishments, I will admit that she always eats healthy meals (though at places without table service; she doesn’t clean up after herself, though she makes her kids throw away their trash. Classy). However, her autograph is on the wall of the Dairy Queen down the street. It says, “I love DQ! Love, Kirstie Alley.” It was signed in 2003, I assume before she discovered the Chocolate Cheesecake Bites. But I wouldn’t be surprised to find her there the next time I go for a Blizzard. Why? Because I’m convinced she stalks us, living vicariously by watching us eat what she can’t. She’ll suck down a Diet Coke as we DQ something different.
My worst fear? I know it’s only a matter of time until she follows us home, offering to exchange the Jenny Craig meals for some of my addictive blue cheese bread. Oh, she may think she’s blinding us with her, um, “celebrity” status, offering to spend time with the “common people,” but I know the truth. She wants me to be her enabler. I just know it. She’ll gorge on all the food I’ll give her, put the weight back on, then blame me on Oprah for causing it when, in truth, all I wanted was a nice, quiet meal out for a change.
So thanks, LA, for having a fire that might send Kirstie back here. Where can I send the bill for the cost of the restraining order?
– Eddie Lotts