Nobody likes to get divorced, even if they say they do. It’s messy, it takes a lot of time and money, and somebody usually ends up crying. That’s why when you get divorced, you need to find something to do to take your mind off all the heartache and sorrow. Just ask Chris Rock! Sure, he’s getting divorced, but is he moping around, keeping the curtains closed all day, and piling up empty take-out containers and liquor bottles in a desperate attempt to blot out the fact that half his money is about to get sucked out of his bank account? Nope! This weekend, the man who introduced America to the “tossed salad” tried to turn his frown upside down with a trip to the Three Dog Bakery at the Farmer’s Market, where he browsed thru the for-Fido-only assortment and chatted politely with the awe-struck teenage staff before leaving empty-handed to seek solace elsewhere. Maybe he was headed over to Barnes & Noble to buy one of his own stand-up DVDs so he could reacquaint himself with these particularly poignant nuggets of wisdom [transcribed for you after the jump].
– Chris May
• When it’s time to get a divorce, women got it made. You go to court, start talkin’ that shit. “I’m used to this, I’m used to that. I’m accustomed to this.” What the fuck is accustomed? What’s that got to do with shit? You go to a restaurant, you accustomed to eatin’. You leave, you ain’t eatin’ no more. They don’t owe you a steak. What about what the man’s used to? It might not be money, but during the course of a relationship, a man grows accustomed to a few things. I would love to see a man go to court and say, “Your honor, check this out. I’m accustomed to fuckin’ her four times a week. Now I feel I should be able to fuck her at least twice a week. I mean, she can have the alimony, but I want some pussy payments.”
• Everybody need a pre-nup. People think you gotta be rich to get a pre-nup. You got 20 million and your wife wants 10, big deal, you ain’t starvin’! But if you got 30 thousand, and your wife wants 15, you might have to kill her!
• So you gotta think about OJ’s situation. 25,000 a month, another man drivin’ his car, fuckin’ his wife, and a house he’s still payin’ a mortgage on. Now, I’m not sayin’ he should have killed her, but I understand.