Potentially life-saving devices for the upcoming zombie apocalypse, alien invasion, species-threatening plague, or technological singularity.
The end is coming! The end is coming! Here are all your must-have items from DudeIWantThat that’ll help you deal with your most dire circumstances:
Yes, cat battle armor. I don’t even own a cat, but I’m definitely buying a bunch of these just in case I need to build a feline army to battle our lawnmower dog overlords. DudeIWantThat assures me this fully articulated suit of pliable leather is soft and comfortable to wear and your cats won’t hate you THAT much for forcing them into it. Now… if we can only get them articulate their thumbs to hold their little swords.
For those times when you’re trapped on a desert island with nothing but a coconut tree for shade and sustenance, you’ll want your Coco Jack stainless steel push-and-pry tool and your Coco mallet to eliminate the frustration so often associated with opening a coconut. Coco Jack’s makers assure us “even a 5’2″, 100-pound young lady, or a 5’2″, 100-pound weenie man, can easily access the exotic coconut’s internal chamber to partake in its delectable nectar and fleshly pleasures.” Buy the opening tool, the coconut meat removal knife, the coconute grater/shredder, and the three-piece scoop set here. You’ll thank me when you get off the island.
Most important item of all: A tiny inconspicuous handcuff key. Because you never know when you are going to be kidnapped by Mexican drug cartel, a rogue black ops group, or a foreign militia. Intended for use by trained law enforcement, military, and security professionals only, but Amazon will sell one to anyone with a $3.99 plus shipping and handling. Easily hides in your back belt loop, pants pocket, shirt tag, socks, or right above your upper molars between your cheek and gums. Might as well get this one too.