As predicted by British Intelligence last week, Nadia The Transsexual became the first-ever sex change winner of a reality show, and has captured the hearts (aah – or should that be? aaaaargh!) of the Great Brittttish Public.

Yes! Channel 4 kindly reunited her with her mother, who she hasn’t seen for – ooh- months. Yes! we wept with her as she screamed uncontrollably on hearing the news. Yes! She’s set to make a cool million in her first month after the show endorsing everything from concealer (because let’s face it – she managed to conceal one helluva of a secret from her fellow contetsants!) to nicotine patches (when the show took Nadia’s cigarettes away from her – the fiery “Portu-Geezer” said – and she wasn’t joking, “I swear Big Brother, I will fucking keeeell someone before the end of the week”).

By the end, there was no doubt about it. Nadia deserved to win. She had been through hell and back, and the public loved her for it. She was someone who got out of bed in the morning, lit a fag, scratched her builders obviously masculine arse and scowled, then put on her Jackie O sunglasses and a pair of high heels.

She was a living soap opera more amazing than any soap opera we’d ever seen, and had been through something just a tad more impressive than her opponents: caring for numerous brothers and sisters in poverty as the mother of the family whilst their real mother went to work, enduring years of abuse and homophobia in a strict Catholic country, leaving and making the journey to Britain, alone and to top it all, she whacked off her cock and became a woman!

It put her opponents’ piss-poor excuses for an interesting life (“I once kissed someone of the same sex” Ooooh! How outrageous!) to shame – and some!
Long live Queen Nadia! Long may she reign in every tabloid and trash celebrity magazine. At least, until, the end of summer.