Ohdearohdearohdear. It’s a tragic day for “Larry” stans: It was revealed today that Louis Tomlinson of One Direction is going to be a FATHER. Yes, the fey young boybander, who is mostly known for making moo eyes at his bandmates then getting REEEEEEEEAAALLY mad when anyone accuses him of being gay, has announced that he and his “good friend” Los Angeles-based stylist Briana Jungwirth are having a child.
A mutual friend told People magazine:
“Louis is happy and very excited about becoming a dad and he thinks Briana will be an amazing mother. It was a surprise at first, but he and Briana are very, very close friends and this has brought them even closer.”
Ah yes. Close friends becoming closer. How sweet.
The British boy band member and Jungwirth, both 23, met through mutual friends earlier this year after his split from longterm girlfriend Eleanor Calder in March and were spotted on a number of dates in May.
Tomlinson has vowed to be at Jungwirth’s side and to be a “hands-on dad” when the baby arrives early next year, according to the friend.
Well, alrighty then. And now I’ll be spending the rest of the day watching Directioners freak the fuck out on social media. Already, the prevailing conspiracy theory is that Brianna is merely the surrogate for Louis and Harry Styles’ love child. What do you think? Real love? Unlucky one-night stand? Is he being Billie Jeaned by a fan? Or is this just a way for “Larry” to throw fans off the track?