“We’re all going to fucking DIE!” gasped international starlet and RuPaul’s Battle of the Seasons MC, Michelle Visage, when I spoke to her on the phone just moments ago. Her tour bus – carrying THE WORLD’S MOST FAMOUS DRAG QUEENS – broke down earlier this afternoon in Angola, Indiana, en route to Cleveland, Ohio, where they were to perform at a sold-out concert venue. She muttered something about a ball bearing getting stuck in a wheel, but frankly, her voice was weak, and it trailed off before she could finish the sentence.

Visage, and the rest of the girls (including Raja, Alaska, BenDeLaCreme, Ivy Winters, Jinkx Monsoon, Manila Luzon, and Sharon Needles) are currently huddled together on the bus, in a closed garage, that is SLOWLY FILLING UP WITH CARBON MINOXIDE! It’s been SEVEN HOURS, so it’s only a matter of time before the oxygen runs out and THEY ALL DIE!

“Michelle! Michelle!” I screamed. “If you don’t make it… what do you want people to remember you for?”

Moments passed. Too many moments. I thought she had already perished. Finally she cleared her throat and whispered: “Eyeliner…”

“Yes? And…?”

“…tits…. and CLASS!”

She then handed the phone to Alaska, who bravely gave the following statement: “I would gladly die for art. It would be an honor and a privilege to die in such splendid company.”

And then the phone went dead.

UPDATE:

Playhouse Square in Cleveland, Ohio, has announced that Friday night’s performance of RuPaul’s Drag Race Tour has been postponed as the tour bus carrying DRAG ROYALTY is broken down in Angola, Ind., with no chance of arriving in time for the 9 p.m. curtain.