July 20, 355 BC– Alexander III Of Macedonia is probably the most important figure in Western History outside of superstar Jesus Christ. He gave the world the gift of the Philosophy of the Greeks and their Greek culture (if you get my meaning) in the 4th century BC. Alexander took an army into Central Asia and then on to India. He conquered 90% of the known world and forged an empire stretching from Greece to India by the time of his early death. Alexander promoted a policy of Hellenization (it was adapted to a 20th century musical starring Ann Miller) throughout the Mediterranean region and he took his show all the way to Western Asia. In a crazy coincidence, my screen-name on Daddyhunt.com is: Hellenization69!
The most important emotional relationship of Alexander’s life was with his BFF, army general and bodyguard, Hephaestion, the son of a Macedonian nobleman. He was a major hottie. Hephaestion’s early death devastated Alexander, sending him into an extended period of grieving, which eventually contributed to his failing health and nutty behavior during his final months.
Alexander was a real drama queen with an impulsive nature that contributed to some dubious decisions during his short life. That bitter old queen Plutarch thought that this part of Alexander’s conflicted personality was the cause of his weakness for cocktails. He was known to frequent happy hour at piano bars throughout the world, which during his era was smaller and still flat. Alexander was stubborn and he did not respond well to being ordered around, a situation that I understand all too well. Along with his fiery temperament, there was a serene side to Alexander; perceptive, logical, and calculating. He had a great thirst for knowledge and a love for Philosophy. Alexander was a big fan of Lady Gaga Of Sparta, Greek Musical theatre, and he was an avid reader.
Alexander was noted for being extremely handsome. Many portraits of him were made during his lifetime. It was recorded that he had a very pleasant body odor and breath, which for the times must have been remarkable… if you know what I mean. He was a major gym bunny who loved strenuous exercise and would often hit the gym or work with his private Pilates instructor Bruno The Big. Alexander was able to jump off and then back on to a chariot moving at full speed. Hephaestion was taller and even more handsome. You know that kind of power couple, don’t you? They were like a classical Anderson Cooper and Benjamin Maisani. The Queen of Persia bowed to Hephaiestion instead of to Alexander when she was first presented to them. Alexander said to the mortified queen:
“Never mind, Mother, Hephaestion is also Alexander.”
Unfortunately, Hephaestion and Alexander were never able to enjoy their house in The Pines, and because they were so busy conquering the World they were rarely able to use their co-op in the West Village section of Athens or that time-share in Ibiza. Sometimes, instead of taking over the world, wouldn’t the just have liked to enjoy their place in the city?
Like my city Portland and other urban hipster centers in the 21st century, sexual attraction between men was considered perfectly normal in Alexander’s time. Men of culture and education like Alexander loved beauty and there was beauty to be ransacked all over the world. Alexander:
“Sex and sleep alone make me conscious that I am mortal.”
Shortly before the beginning of a planned total domination of Arabian men, Alexander became ill after attending a brunch at his friend, the hunky Medius Of Larisa’s swank townhouse in downtown Babylon, which had previously been owned by noted male model Achilles. He developed a fever, probably from imbibing an unfiltered brandy drink named in his honor, and the following day he was unable to move or speak. His Macedonian fans were allowed to file past Alexander one final time before he bit the big one in June, 323 BC, or as the Macedonians called it, the month of Daesius. Alexander T. Great, the mighty Macedonian king, star of his own reality series, and the great conqueror of Persian Empire, was gone at just 33 years old and without leaving an heir to his fortune or a successor to lead the Empire.
Alexander T. Great’s remains were sent to Egypt where he liked to spend his winters. His tomb was one of the biggest tourist attractions of the ancient world. His epitaph read:
“A tomb now suffices him for whom the world was not enough.”
Roman Emperors Pompey, Julius Caesar, and the always charming Caligula, all traveled to Alexandria to pay their homage. Augustus was so overwhelmed during his visit that he accidentally broke the nose off Alexander’s mummy while laying a wreath. The incident was reported in the gossip rags as an insult, but Augustus was truly embarrassed.
Had he made it, Alexander would have celebrated his 2371 birthday today. He probably would have enjoyed some pillaging and a Persian boy or seven, along with a carrot cake, his favorite.
Alexander T. Great has been portrayed in many books, plays, outdoor pageants and operas. On screen he has been played by Richard Burton in 1956, Colin Farrell in 2004, and most notably by William Shatner in 1968. He should be played by Alexander Skarsgård; he is great!