July 20, 355 BC– Alexander III of Macedonia is probably the most important figure in Western History outside of superstar Jesus Christ. He gave the world the gift of philosophy of the Greeks & their culture (if you get my meaning) in the 4th century BC. Alexander took an army into Central Asia & then on to India. He conquered 90% of the known world & forged an empire stretching from Greece to India by the time of his early death. Alexander promoted a policy of Hellenization throughout the Mediterranean & all the way to Western Asia. In a crazy coincidence, my screen-name on Daddyhunt.com is Hellenization69!
The most important emotional relationship of Alexander’s life was with his BFF, army general & bodyguard Hephaestion, the son of a Macedonian noble & a major hottie. Hephaestion’s early death devastated Alexander, sending him into an extended period of grieving, which eventually contributed to his failing health & nutty behavior during his final months.
Alexander was a real drama queen with an impulsive nature that contributed to some of the dubious decisions during his short life. That bitter old queen Plutarch thought that this part of Alexander’s conflicted personality was the cause of his weakness for cocktails. He was known to frequent happy hour at leather bars throughout the world (which during his era was smaller & flat). Alexander was stubborn & did not respond well to being ordered around, a situation that I understand all too well. Along with his fiery temperament, there was a serene side to Alexander; perceptive, logical, & calculating. He had a great thirst for knowledge & a love for philosophy. Alexander was a big fan of Lady Gaga Of Sparta, Greek Musical Comedies & an avid reader.
Alexander was noted for being extremely handsome. Many portraits of him were made during his lifetime. It was recorded that he had a very pleasant body odor & breath, which for the times must have been remarkable… if you know what I mean. He was a major gym bunny who loved strenuous exercise & would often hit the gym or work with his private Pilates instructor Bruno The Big. Alexander was able to jump off & then back on a chariot moving at full speed. His BF, Hephaestion, was taller & even more handsome; you know that kind of power couple. The Persian Queen bowed to Hephaiestion instead of Alexander when she was presented to them. Alexander said to the mortified queen:
“Never mind, Mother, Hephaestion is also Alexander.”
Unfortunately, Hephaestion & Alexander were never able to enjoy their house in The Pines & because they were so busy conquering the World that they were rarely able to use their co-op in the West Village section of Athens or the time-share in Ibiza. Sometimes, instead of taking over the world, wouldn’t the just have liked to enjoy their place in the city?
Like Portland & other urban hipster centers in the 21st century, sexual attraction between men was considered normal in Alexander’s time. Men of culture & education like Alexander loved beauty & there was beauty to be ransacked all over the world. Alexander:
“Sex & sleep alone make me conscious that I am mortal.”
Shortly before beginning of a planned total domination of Arabian men, Alexander became ill after attending a brunch at his friend, the hunky Medius Of Larisa’s swank townhouse in downtown Babylon, which had previously been owned by male-model Achilles. He developed a fever, probably from imbibing unfiltered brandy drink named in his honor, & the following day he was unable to move or speak. His Macedonians fans were allowed to file past Alexander one final time before he bit the big one in June, 323 BC, or as the Macedonians called it, the month of Daesius. Alexander T. Great, the might Macedonian king, star of his own reality series, & the great conqueror of Persian Empire, was gone at just 33 years old & without leaving an heir to his fortune or a successor to lead the Empire.
Alexander T. Great’s remains were sent to Egypt where he liked to spend his winters. His tomb was one of the biggest tourist attractions of the ancient world. His epitaph read:
“A tomb now suffices him for whom the world was not enough.”
Roman Emperors Pompey, Julius Caesar, & the always charming Caligula, traveled all the way to Alexandria to pay their homage. Augustus was so overwhelmed during his visit that he accidentally broke the nose off Alexander’s mummy while laying a wreath.
Had he made it, Alexander would have celebrated his 2370 birthday today.