Okay WOWers now let’s get in formation. The queen of well, EVERYTHING, Beyoncé Giselle Carter-Knowles, is knee deep (or thigh boot, rather) in her critically acclaimed “Formation Tour,” following her HBO visual masterpiece ‘Lemonade.’ If you’re hashtag blessed enough to attend the show (and stave off hunger pains with copious amounts of Ramen so you can save up for merch swag), here’s my survival guide for getting through (and living your best) Bey concert life.
Check it out:
Bey isn’t fucking around. She has the same amount of hours in a day as you do. (Maybe extra nanny help and a bajillion dollars, but still, I digress). So that means, when you’re iCal reminds you that you’re about to lose yourself in a gluttonous state of ecstasy on Wednesday night at the Dodgers stadium, you have as many hours as she does to get your shit together for the show so that you can dance your damn mind off.
Not to tote, but this will be my third time seeing her and I’ve learned a lot about myself, my faith (lol), and how to make the most of my concert-going experience. With no further adou, here you go:
1) Have your Snapchat open and ready.
You need not hath time no fury to fuck around with Instagram. (I’m still not doing “stories” and neither should you). You can save all your grainy (drunk, let’s be honest) videos and regram them later, but you have to get through two and a half hours of live music and there’s no time to deal with the non-zoom features of other apps.
2) Have your “most-used” emojis ready. I recommend these five because (duh):
Trust me. She will sing “All Night” and “Running” and you won’t have time to type something clever because your heart will be too busy self combusting into emotional flames of glory.
3) Get TWO drinks at a time.
Bey and her hive won’t wait for you to waddle back to your seat because you want another Budweiser before she belts out “Halo,” so like Noah’s Ark, get everything in twos…two cocktails, two mocktails, two beers, two queers, two nachos…you see where I’m going with this…
4) No masks.
Seriously. DO try it at home but most definitely DON’T wear one to the show. The Beygency will confiscate and you will become drunk angry (and that’s not part of the Bey lifestyle).
5) Get a brim hat.
Think Amish, think ASOS, think Pilgrim. It’s fall isn’t it?
6) Be extra with hot sauce.
Nothing says stan like bringing a tiny bottle of Tabasc-y to the show. Who knows, you might put it on a hot dog (or whatever you people eat at ball games).
7) Wear a choker.
Nothing says “Independent Woman” like a 90’s reference. There’s a billion at Forever 21 right now (admit it, we all shop there).
8) Be the kleenex mess you wish to see in the world.
The above gif will be you so just prepare yourself for the wilderness that is the jungle of your heart post-Bey vibes. Snatch some to-go kleenex (you will need them).
9) Grab a fur coat.
If you’re friends are texting you “Bitch, where are you?”
And you reply: “I’m five minutes away in my Uber…”
But really this is you:
Literally borrow your roomie’s fur coat and clack into a cab IMMEDIATELY. Like life, her concert’s start on time.
10) Bee your best self.
This is me at the San Diego show. This cost me $20 online (plan for two weeks for shipping) and literally everyone will either want to take a picture with you (or drunkenly laugh at you). It’s fun.
There you have it, hunties.
You will be changed. You will die inside. You will be reborn.