In today’s Media Bistro, Kevin Baker answers freelance writers’ questions on how to spice up copy to enthrall editors and guarantee publication. In “Just Add Celebrities!” he explains how, in a gardening article, he described an encounter with a bed of candelabra primulas as “…like snorting champagne chiffon off the romping opulence of Shania Twain or mocha truffle mousse off Vin Diesel’s thrashing Mustang abs.”

Q: What if I don’t know any celebrities?

A: What are you calling your autobiography, Under My Rock? Mary-Kate Olsen, Mel Gibson, Osama Bin Laden, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Star ‘Swagzilla’ Jones—there is the richly allusive tapestry of your next chapter right there. Stop looking for excuses and start writing!