OK, so what do I know? The ratings were lousy and the reviews horrible and Fox pulled the plug on Anchorwoman after just one episode. But then I loved The Comeback, another fabulous non-hit. Reuters explained that the series was accused of devaluing the work of real journalists. Just as I was pondering this, my eye drifted slightly to the right on their web page: A gaping hole has been found in the universe and a woman set fire to her ex-husband’s penis.

I still don’t know what defines a credible news anchor. I do know that you have to be able to read the news while looking like you aren’t reading anything. People with eyes that can be clearly seen scanning the TelePrompTer are a non-starter. Deep-set eyes like Matt Lauer’s or supermoist ones like Meredith Vieira’s that have a random permatwinkle make all the difference. The eye thing is so important it doesn’t matter if you can barely read aloud. Ann Curry mangles almost every other sentence she reads off the TelePrompTer. Gaffe follows gaffe; on Thursday she was late for a link; when she showed up she said, “I forgot I was on live television.” On Friday, as a reporter came on from a secret location, Ann tried to guess where he was. “I guess,” said a pokerfaced Matt Lauer, “this is about our acting skills as we all know where our reporter is… it’s in our notes.” “Oh, I never read those,” said Ann.

Because the news is so fake and manufactured, everyone conspires to emphasize how real it all is, beginning with the anchors. They may be so good-looking and coiffed that they seem gay, like, say, Anderson Cooper, but they really go places and really get their hands dirty – like Anderson Cooper! That’s why you won’t find him waving a flag in a pride parade anytime soon. News-anchoring is a man’s role. It’s the hunter-gatherer thing; in the Iron Age men used to bring home the bacon, in the Information Age they bring home the news.

Which explains why I loved Lauren Jones as a choice of anchor. She wasn’t a bimbo, she was a drag queen. A breath of fresh air. Unlike her newsroom colleagues who were so uptight about their credibility they couldn’t even breathe, Lauren Jones had that fearlessness and a generosity of spirit derived from a knowing sense of who she was. And she had great TelePrompTer eyes!

But, more’s the pity, we won’t find any of our news anchors in a wig and high heels. And Katie’s ratings are in the toilet. So, so long, Anchorwoman.

– Fenton Bailey