I’ve written to you guys before about my strange obsession with Michael Alig’s outrageous (but somehow thrilling) stunts during the ’90s, but I just had to jump on the I-have-to-have-my-Thursday-Phone-Call-from-a-Felon-Fix bandwagon. So here’s my two grams (I figure James and Michael might like that instead of two cents). Please pass this on to both of them if possible.
First of all, girls, girls, girls, what’s the matter here? You’ve left your most devoted fans starving for that special kind of jailhouse gossip and insight that only you two can provide. I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation. You have the best reality show ever going on via a simple phone call once a week. It’s like a Spelling soap opera crossed with Survivor, except Michael doesn’t get kicked off, he just keeps getting moved to another island once in a while. Last Saturday I had just finished cleaning my apartment, when I decided to chill out and surf the net for some light hearted entertainment. Then it hit me, I haven’t read Phone Call yet this week! So bam, I rush to the WOW Report site, only to be thoroughly disenchanted, let down, disappointed, dismayed, and stunned. There’s no report from the big house. No twisted, yet mesmerizing humorous anecdotes from the two foremost authorities on the socially bizarre. My day had been ruined.
Please, whatever you‚re fighting over, try to get over it. Bitch slap each other over the phone a few times, write some dastardly op-ed column in the Village Voice, or evoke some spell to get back at the other one, but whatever you do, get back on the phone and get us some dish. For us twisted freaks that might never experience life the way you two have, you’re our last hope. Don’t let us down. Pop some E and love each other again.
Oops! Looks like Michael and James made up! Sorry about my previous email. You can still send it to them if you want. I suppose it’s good for their egos. :)