The trailer for 50 Shades of Grey has arrived, featuring a positively fetal-looking Jamie Dornan. Seriously, why have they infantalized him by shaving off his beard? Jamie Dornan looks dead sexy with a beard. He slays with a beard. It’s his best feature. It’s 2014 – we are at peak beardiness as a culture. Not since the Edwardians have so many men had so many beards and looked so fabulous wearing them (don’t talk to me about those dirty hippies). And yet out of the blue, 50 Shades of Grey has made the outrageous character choice to buck the overriding trend of the decade and make their leading man look like a boybander… or a pickled guinea pig. It boggles the mind. You know who Jamie Dornan looks like without a beard? Look at those beady little eyes. It’s ANDREW FREAKIN’ MCCARTHY! And that’s not sexy. I don’t want Andrew McCarthy to tie me up and pour jam on my nipples (or whatever they do in 50 Shades, I don’t know). This is an outrage.
This looks like a shit show. I’m out.