Photo by Jake Thompson
It’s 2016 and you’ve managed to keep one out of your sixteen (thousand) new year’s resolutions.
Good work. You’re already doing WAY more than like, most of the population. So thumbs up.
A new year brings all sorts of NEW ways of seeing yourself, reinventing yourself, and above all, what kind of person you want to BECOME in 2016. Here are my top 5 life hacks for tricking your friends into thinking you have your shit together.
5) PUT LIQUIDS INTO TINY GLASS BOTTLES
If you’re like me, after work, my mental capacity for scripted television is pretty bleak. (I like to Netflix-binge on weekends when my brain can handle a plot line). So I turn to Kitchen Kween and life coach Ina Garten.
One way to trick your friends into thinking you’ve got your shit together is (dinner parties) putting liquids in tiny jars. Think about flour, EVOO, balsamic vinegar, pasta, your jar-stuffing ability is limitless!
4) READ SOME SMART SHIT
You don’t even have to read them, but stash your Seventeen mags under your bed and stack some smart shit (like Good Magazine, Dwell, Foreign Policy, Bust, etc) on your coffee table. Just be prepared to wikipedia whatever your friend says when they bring up anything, like, political at the dinner table, so you don’t blow your cover.
3) SUBSCRIBE TO A COUPLE PODCASTS
They are free and they will make your friends think you’ve ditched Top 40 for a heavier fare. With ones like Switched on Pop, Things You Missed In History Class, and Planet Money, you’ll have plenty to listen to while making that new recipe you found off WholeFoods.com.
2) GET A GYM MEMBERSHIP
I know, I know…working out is (awful):
But whoever said growing up is easy is one big fat liar. If growing up were easy, working out would be too. Unfortunately, the genetic betrayal that is our destiny will soon find it’s way into your astral body and even just the act of PURCHASING a gym membership will make your friends think you have your life in order. Most gyms are doing package deals for the new year, so grab the Rhoda to your Mary and sign up. Even if you go once a week, you’re like ninety-five percent above being the average garbage couch potato person.
1) MINERAL WATER ONLY, POR FAVOR
Yes, that’s because they have their shit together! Carrying one of these around with you while strutting your stuff on your daily walk to the office will immediately command power and that you’re like, really on top of this thing called, “Life.”
Try one out and see how much you’ll even convince yourself your life is in order.
This post approved by the OG Party Girl: