The Douchebag Brothers

“If you’re gonna make an asshole of yourself, try not to do it on television.” Now, that’s a small piece of advice I wish we had been offered in grade school. In this age where reality television has become such a huge part of our culture, it would apply more often than one would think and would definitely be a lot more helpful than learning square roots.

If you’ve been watching the latest installment of Big Brother then you’ve been privy to one of the best seasons of the show in years, and have seen a place where that aforementioned word to the wise would have come in very handy. The characters on Big Brother have come to life and provided hours of entertainment; but along with that, Eric has decided that he’s gonna be this year’s waste of space. The guy can’t win challenges, refuses to say goodbye to certain people when they get kicked out of the game (game being the operative word), tells dumb jokes, has no skills, makes stupid facial expressions as though he were the joker from batman without the makeup, lies about not having a girlfriend outside of the house, says that he’s falling in love with a girl on television, has his nipples pierced, TALKS TOO LOUD EVEN THOUGH HE HAS A MICROPHONE ON, wears women’s clothes, and just generally is a human toolbox. Every season has one or two so I thought it would be fun to go back and take a look at the biggest douchebags of Big Brothers past.

Since BB1 was based on the European version where the public actually voted people out, everyone tried to stay on their best behavior so true douchebaggery wasn’t readily apparent. Therefore, I’ll skip that horrible season and jump on to the second installment, which proved to have its fill of horrible houseguests. Bunky cried every two seconds, Hardy lifted weights and dyed his hair, Nicole was a mess from start to finish, and evil doctor Will took home top honors with his annoyingly stupid rhetoric that was neither clever nor charming, but none of them could top the douchebag that is Mike Malin. The guy looks like Melissa Etheridge and Larry Bird conceived a love child, and although he said he was in his thirties, he looked like he was in his fifties and still wore hip-hop gear that made him look like a reject form the television show Head of the Class. He whined and cried, was mean for no reason, said was in the “cool group” (that alone makes you not cool, dolt boy), and even tried to propose on the finale to another less-than-thrilled cast member. He rapped, for God’s sake! Extraordinarily enough, he was brought back on the All Star season as Dr Will’s human penis pump and managed to convince the producers to let him win the show! (They are rigged, folks, just trust me.) These characteristics put Mike Malin as the president of the Big Brother Douche Bag Hall of Fame.

Big Brother 3 turned out to be one of the best season’s of all with Danielle strategically kicking ass, Lisa flying quietly under the radar, Amy drinking up all the alcohol, and Marcellas making the dumbest move in reality history by not using the veto on himself. Although Roddy was one of my least favorite people to ever be on television, it is the foul pig of a man Jerry who wins the crown of King Douchebag. He called Marcellas “sister” and said he understood the plight of the black and gay people in the house. He cried about the injustices of the world, ate a lot, down-talked to the other houseguests, sucked at challenges, was lazy, wore an oxygen mask to sleep, burped, farted, and had absolutely no clue what was going on in the game. Also, as Danielle pointed out, “he came out of the bathroom and didn’t watch his nasty hands” before he prepared food. Jerry’s public display of embarrassment is now legendary douchebagism.

Big Brother 4 kinda flows along the same guidelines, just much more contrived. While Alison acted like a human venereal disease and Jun laughed and ate her way into the finals, it was Robert the waiter from Los Angels who made the biggest fool of himself on the show. He would name-drop celebrities that had come into his restaurant like they were his friends, he constantly cried and harassed his useless ex girlfriend Erika with his longwinded stories that were not interesting or important to the show, but it was his constant picking and twitching that pushed him over the top of douchebag hill. He picked his nose, picked his ears, chewed his nails, pulled on his feet, scratched his head like he had lice, and just made people sick with his manically frantic behavior.

Big Brother 5 is better known as the forgotten show. No one really had strategy or stood out, they kinda just bumbled along for three months until hottie Drew finally won. You know you’re in trouble when the queen of white trash Diane is seen as the mastermind of the season, and although I would love to give the prize of biggest douchebag to Cowboy, I just think it’s not nice to be mean to the mentally handicapped. That leaves Scott. The overgrown child thought he was the sexpot of the season, which could not have been any further from the truth. Not only did he have the brainpower of dried flank stake, he aligned himself with Cowboy and the self-proclaimed “metrosexual” homosexual Jase, and the three of them could not have come up with the correct spelling of “a.” He had one of the grossest and most oddly disproportionately shaped bodird since Linda Hunt (look her up), and he just got on my last nerve.

Big Brother 6 was the first one to see a woman earn the title of douchebag when the undereducated, foul-mouthed Ivette graced us with her unpleasant presence. From the get-go, the lesbian expressed her love for another douchebaggy player named Eric who got kicked off in the first couple of weeks. Never before or since has someone been so obsessed with a person they’d known for only a short while, and her constant crying over his absence made America wince. She started fights, had absolutely no strategy, didn’t understand big words, spoke in unintelligible sentences, cut down other players, and still managed to find her way into the finals against fellow douchebagging Maggie who ultimately triumphed.

Big Brother All Stars was just a cornucopia of douchbaggery. Even some of the best players from seasons past fell into the producer’s trap of making a fool of themselves for no reason. All 12 left the house with a little less dignity, but once again Mike Malin earns the distinction of being the worst of them all.

Eight seasons of debauchery, catfights, rigged outcomes and unfortunate displays of human behavior. That is the Big Brother legacy, so BB8 Eric, welcome to the family!

That being said, this Tuesday on the Spike network, I, Dylan Vox, will make an appearance on the creatively fun new show called Murder. Check it out; I undoubtedly will be the biggest douchebag on the show. BLOG HARD!

It’s always a business doing pleasure with you.

– Dylan Vox