My Personals Ad

The other day I was sitting in an airport waiting for a plane that was inevitably late. I had finished the book I was reading and decided to pick up a newspaper. I skimmed through the news, which never seems to change, finished the sports pages, and then found my way to the personals section in the back. My first thought was disbelief that they actually still had a personals sections in the paper. I mean it’s an online world nowadays where pictures and profiles litter cyber space, and I was just in shock that small three-line ads with no pictures and very little description were expected to be the answer to true love. Then, after reading a few, I was shocked even more; one sad little ad had a 34-year-old white male seeking his other half.

It was a sad for a few reasons. First, that someone doesn’t think of themselves as a whole person without a partner sounds like a lonely existence. Of course, it’s great to share life with someone else, but if you can’t be happy with yourself, what good are you going to be to someone else? It was also sad that someone went to the newspaper and paid money to place an ad so generic that anyone or everyone could respond to it. I mean, are some people so desperate for a relationship that they can’t be specific about what they want?

The ad got me thinking about what I would say if I placed one. How would I describe my perfect partner if there were a big menu board like the one outside Wendy’s that allowed me to create the perfect person? Well here it goes:

I’m looking for a person who loves to laugh and has learned the secret that life is short and you only get to go around once so make it good. I want a person around my age who works out, has an education, a good body, has a valid driver’s license, has their own place to live, a job that makes money, and has at least some sort of education. I want someone who looks as good as me, but not better, and who is as smart as me, but not smarter.

I want someone who thinks I am the funniest person on earth and gets that I don’t concern myself with life’s little problems and doesn’t concern themselves with them either. There is almost nothing in the world that I find too sacred to make fun of and am looking for someone who has the sensibility to understand that nothing I say should ever be taken personally.

I don’t want someone in my life that is overly sensitive or feels the need to argue about small, unimportant things. I don’t want someone who is gonna be jealous or competitive with me, but instead wants to do better because of me and encourages me to do better because of them. I want someone around my height who is in shape and is bowlegged (I have no idea why that turns me on, it just does). I want someone who doesn’t have an accent at all unless it is southern (but not redneck or white trash) because other accents begin to grate on my nerves after a few minutes.

I want someone who doesn’t drink or do drugs, but not because they have a problem with drinking and drugs, but just because they have chosen not to do them because they realize that life is so much more interesting if you give it your full attention. To make that clearer, I don’t want someone who is addicted to things, whether it’s drugs or AA meetings because addiction just seems like such a weak quality.

I don’t want someone who is sensitive or who becomes offended easily. I don’t want flowers or cards or birthday parties, I just want someone who is cool enough to know that those things are superficial. I’m a guy’s guy. I don’t cry unless it’s something really terrible like a death in the family or a national tragedy, and I don’t want to be around people who cloud themselves in misery about the troubles in their own life. That doesn’t mean I don’t want someone who can’t feel, it just means I want someone who can prioritize and realizes that there are so many more important things to focus on outside their own little existence.

I’d rather debate politics or movies or something other than talk about my feelings because the God’s honest truth is that most of the time I just don’t care or have feelings about things. I want someone who likes the same type of movies, books, sports, and entertainment that I do, and can find the humor in all of it.

I want someone who loves it when I talk and sing, who thinks I’m sexy and will tell me when I’m not. I want someone who is extremely talented in at least one thing whether it’s drawing, playing guitar, or foosball, just as long as there is the passion to be talented at something. I want someone who is extremely laid back and yet has amazing sex. Someone who wants their own house and wants to have kids, has a good relationship with their family, and who will have a good one with mine.

I want someone who I can make fun of and not have them get offended, and I want someone who will do the same to me. I want someone who doesn’t have to be with me all the time, but still misses me when I’m gone. I don’t want to hear other people’s problems, and don’t expect someone to listen to mine. I want someone to share good times with and do things with and neither of us drags the other one down.

I wrote this out and realized that what I wanted was me. I’m my ideal, and that made me realize that I don’t need to find my other half because I’m a whole person. So, yeah, someone else in my life would be cool, but I’m confident enough to say I will never be so desperate that three lines in a newspaper will make me happy.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking – I’m a narcissistic pig-fucker and there’s not anyone like that in the world, but that’s not the point. The point is to know what you want and not settle for less and when you achieve high expectations then you have truly found your soulmate. YOUR TURN. Write your own personals ad. You may be surprised just how good the dream can feel. BLOG HARD!

It’s always a business doing pleasure with you.

– Dylan Vox