Kids can Suck and Lessons Can Be Learned
When we’re young the world doesn’t seem so perfect, but it’s true that as you grow up you can only remember the good times, or at least the times that seem good to you now. So I want to tell you about some of those things that happened to me. You know, the trials and tribulations that have molded me into the self-obsessed, neurotic, fame whore that I am.
Once, in fourth grade, I was deep in thought during a critical spelling test, and the word “island” had me totally perplexed. (Speaking of which, why is there an “s” in that word?) It was so important that I got the word right that I hardly noticed that Mary Keeling, the weirdo who sat in front of me and who had failed third grade like nine times, had turned around and was starring at me. Mary was about twice my size, but this was a test, so I told her to turn around. She subsequently picked her nose and rubbed a whopping booger on my desk. Being the stud that I am, I leaned over the side of the chair and puked all over the poor kid next to me. Twice. Funny now, not so funny then.
When I was seven, my brothers and sisters and I went trick-or-treating and we ran into the neighborhood bullies. My brothers and I were dressed as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and my older sister was in a white bunny costume. The bullies jumped us while we were walking up to a house, and my brothers and I were terrified. (They were big, dude! I swear) Well, my sister, who has no fear, beat the crap out of one of the dudes and they left us alone. When we returned home my mom was met at the door by three crying Ninja Turtles and a big white bunny soaked in blood. That’s a brilliant sight.
We were sitting around watching Dazed and Confused in college one time and had ordered Papa John’s pizza. If you’ve ever ordered from there, you would have observed that along with the delicious grease-filled pizza they always include a nice hot pepperchini. Well, we were acting crazy and my roommate decided that launching the pepperchini at me would be great fun. It hit me in the eye, and let me tell you, IT BURNS! I ended up having to go to the emergency room, and I was fortunate enough to have to wear an eye patch for the next week.
Ah, the joys of being a stupid kid. Isn’t it weird how things that were so mortifying then seem so comical now?
OK, I have conspicuously left my discussion of the premier of Survivor until the end because I thought hearing about boogers, my bloody sister, and runaway pepperchinis would be somewhat more interesting than the actual show. I don’t want to go on any sorta rant, but I would like to point out some interesting facts of the show. First, I found it very interesting that most of the players, although I guess technically diverse, were so completely whitewashed that I couldn’t even tell that they were minorities. I mean, look at the picture and you tell me if you can see a lot of diversity. B, I love how the Asian Americans were great at the puzzle, the Latin Americans were the first group with tension, the white people were stealing chickens, and the black people had trouble in the water part of the competition. And 3, I LOVE that this is the first time in the history of Survivor that the three women were able to ban together – though they weren’t really in an alliance – to get rid of a male contestant. ATTENTION WHITE WOMEN: See how the African American women were able to overcome petty jealousy and work together toward a common goal? So if a woman ever does run for president, forget about how much you don’t like her hair or think she is too uppity – just support her. I think this is my first lesson from the show.
Now tell me about something stupid you did when you were a kid that seemed horrible at the time, but is now just a silly anecdote. BLOG HARD!!!
It’s always a business doing pleasure with you.
– Dylan Vox