Your royal doucheyness

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Spencer Pratt is changing his name to “King Spencer Pratt.” And why the hell not? “I’ve decided since there is a Queen of England and a Prince William that there should be a king of America,” he tells Us magazine. “I nominate myself for that role.” This comes a week after he nominated his wife as “the new, modern-day Michael Jackson.” And with that, the universe collapses onto itself. Black is white, day is night, and I am the Queen of Romania.