Because sometimes you just want to drive a screwdriver into your eardrums if you hear “All I Want for Christmas Is You” one… more.. time. Here’s a playlist of holiday songs that AREN’T on a constant loop at Forever 21 and Home Depot, and haven’t been run into the ground. In fact, I’m going to pour myself a nice Theraflu-and-vodka and enjoy these seldom-heard holiday gems RIGHT NOW.
Fear’s 45-second Christmas punk classic “Fuck Christmas” from 1982.
Pansy Division’s fabulous “Homo Christmas” with its unforgettable lyrics “Licking nipples / Licking nuts / Putting candy canes / Up each other’s butts.”
Here’s The Monkees singing the 15th century Spanish villancico “Riu Chiu” live from their 1967 Christmas special.
“Jingle Bells,” re-interpreted by that retro-Space Age hipster Esquival.
Beck “Little Drum Machine Boy.” From BangItOut: “In 1996, Beck was asked to put a track on KROQ’s annual Christmas tape in Los Angeles – instead of delivering a Christmas track, he released a Chankuah version of “The Little Drummer Boy” called “The Little Drum Machine Boy” Mixing a robot version of “Boruch Atah Hashem..” and funny Hanukah Pimp lyrcis to the tune of the Christmas favorite “Little Drum Boy.”
Robert Erle Keane’s white trash Christmas anthem “Merry Christmas from the Family”
Merle Haggard’s “If We Make It Through December” about being laid off at the factory, and figuring if the family survives until spring they can move someplace warmer. A real upbeat ditty.
Harvey Danger’s melancholy yet rousing “Sometimes You Have to Work On Christmas (Sometimes)” – one of may favorites.
“Snoopy VS the Red Baron (Snoopy’s Christmas)” – based on the famous World War I Christmas day battlfield armistice. I’ve included this as an alternative to the near-ubiquitous Vince Guaraldi Trio’s “Charlie Brown Christmas” album, because PLEASE JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY.
Wizzard 1973 hippie/glam-rock classic “I wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day”
And speaking of glam, here’s T-Rex with “Christmas Bop.”
And the now-thoroughly disgraced Gary Glitter singing “Another Rock N Roll Christmas.”
“The Night Santa Went Crazy” by Wierd Al Yankovik
Culturcide’s “Depressed Christmas” (sung to the tune of “White Christmas” with a slurred voice mumbling, “My slit wrist glistens…as I listen…to the last Christmas song I’ll ever hear.”)
Red Swan’s story of jealousy, revenge, and arson over the holidays: “You Son of a Bitch, You Stole My Woman, Now I’m Gunna Burn Down Your Christmas Tree Farm”
Alice Cooper’s version of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”
The Smashing Pumpkins strangely underrated holiday ballad “Christmastime.” Seriously, why is this song NEVER played? It’s one of the best Christmas songs EVER WRITTEN.
Sonic Youth’s “Santa Doesn’t Cop Out on Dope”
The Jacobites “Teenage Christmas”
Wendy and Lisa haunting and “The Closing of the Year” – from the Robin Williams movie “Toys.”