Bravo’s hotly anticipated premiere of Being Bobby Brown last night did not disappoint entirely. The two back-to-back eps were as grisly as one hoped they would be, but surprisingly dull, vaguely depressing, and almost entirely unrevealing. Bobby and wife Whitney moved about the reality show in slow motion, like two farm animals mating, feeding, and probably dropping turds in their wake (OK, talking about dropping turds) They ate, they kissed, they said “I love you” ad nauseum, and in lulls during eating and kissing and loving, they laughed at things not particularly funny (and if you had to be there to get the jokes, well, we were). Burns and Allen they’re not. In their all-too-infrequent lucid moments, they conversed exclusively in puzzling non sequiturs. They ate squab in a fancy restaurant, and judging from their behavior it appeared to be their first time for both. When Whitney got dolled up, she still looked like an attractive bag lady with bad hair, complaining of aches. Out in public, she was rude to most of the people who asked for a photo or autograph; conversely, Bobby signed or did anything for anybody. It’s obvious that on the occasions Whitney closed the bedroom door to the cameras and us she and Bobby were not gettin’ busy, but gettin’ something else that Bobby told Matt Lauer the other night would not be included in the show.

Adds Randy: Whitney and the lip gloss! Helllooooooo.

And Fenton says: This series is the 21st-century Romeo and Juliet. Whitney is especially poignant. Whether ravaged by fame or crack – or both – she seems worn out, poor thing. But at least Bobby makes her laugh. Say hell to the no!