Knife Writer

Proof that ping balls have more than 2 uses. Stick with it.

I fancy a dance this morning.

Over the last few months I've thoroughly enjoyed reading the blog of The Youngest TV Controller in History... a thinly veiled parody of Danny Cohen.

Today, he signed off, for the first time using his real name.

It's Dominc Vallely, commissioning editor of Dragon's Den. Who knew?

In memoriam: a section of my favourite post, in reaction to the mis-editing scandal.

"Exec drops by 2 weeks into the roughcut, and is aghast at the lack of dramatic 'jeopardy' in the storyline. Drained and knackered P/D explains: "look, that is just how it happened, okay?!" Exec, fearful that the cut won't play well with me, orders dramatic changes to real-time narrative "to inject some fucking bite and energy to it". P/D, by now just wanting an easy fucking life after a shoot-from-hell, relents after noble effort to protect the genuine timeline of events. Starts sweating about the fact his very trusting contributors still have his mobile phone number.

A week later, I pop down to the edit, cool as fuck, expecting to be impressed. The assembly is adequate. Fifi is going to hate it.

MY ARSE IS ON THE LINE!

I need some major fucking changes, fast. "Can you make the mother look more angry at her son's behaviour?" I demand. The world-weary, exhausted P/D looks puzzled: "She really didn't get much more animated than that." The Exec - taking my line - barks back: "Well why the fuck not! Look at her son's disrespectful behaviour. I would fucking kick the cunt out if he did that in my house!"

I pipe up - "yes, yes, YES!! Have her boot him out of the home. Brilliant! Did you get any shots of the son storming out of the front door that we could cut in?" P/D looks even more pained, and commands his editor to trawl the rushes.

4 days later, I pop down again for the second viewing. Eureka! Half way through film, just when it needs a little pick-me-up, the son *does* indeed storm out, leaving his mum in fucking tears. I love it! Real moment of jeopardy. Critics will respect this scene, and viewers will be hooked. Television magic. I'm semi-hard. Congratulate P/D on remarkable 'turnaround' in narrative.

Programme airs 6 months later, I get a nice pat on the fucking back from Fifi, the Exec finally breathes a huge sigh of relief when the show gets 2.1 million (AND up against Big Brother!!) but I hear that the P/D has quit telly and decided to train as a marriage counsellor. Poor him!"

ps. it took 2 hours until someone posted his address and mobile number as a comment...

I always thought the sea from a very tall cliff was the most satisfying place to relieve myself into. But urinal.net has proved me wrong, over and over again. This is just asking for 20 part series in which Donal must tinkle into all of them only armed with 20 pence and a re-fillable bottle of Dr Pepper.

When you've turned to feeding your cats as you would chickens - it really has to stop. Below - the full Reuters report...