Prisoner #97A6595 aka Michael Alig is officially released from prison today. In honor of that occasion, I thought I’d jot down a few thoughts about life in the new millennia to pass along to him.
It’s a very different world you’re re-entering into. So much has changed in the 17 years since you last walked among us. For instance: We have talking pictures now! And cronuts!
Boys are cuter in the 21st century. And dicks are bigger. These are facts. If you don’t believe me, spend an hour on Tumblr. Another odd thing: EVERYBODY has killer style now. Kids in Peoria are as fabulous as the kids in Williamsburg. It’s all rather dizzying, and kind of depressing. When everybody is fabulous, nobody is.
OMG. Burger King changed their french fries and the world has never been the same.
Cabs take credit cards now.
We don’t use the “t” word anymore. (It’s “trans” now) And don’t even joke about it. The PC police will GET YOU. Also: “cisgender” is a thing now. Sprinkle it liberally into conversations to give yourself a bit of gravitas.
Viral videos, blogs, GIFs, memes – there’s a whole world waiting for you online. But the internet is a scary place. Things get weird fast. I suggest dipping your feet in slowly. Gently. Here are a few fun, soothing videos to get you going: David After Dentist, The Prancercize Lady, Charlie Bit Me, Sweet Brown, Two Girls One Cup…
Technology develops at light speed now, you don’t want to get left behind. You NEED a smart phone, a computer, a DVR, and a tablet. There are no two ways around this. And be sure to keep up on all the latest upgrades and gadgets. You don’t want to be like me. I still have an iphone 4. Its calculator is an abacus. My Grindr only has Pilgrims in my area who want to hook up. It’s OLD.
Things we don’t need any more: Phone books, dictionaries, maps, and encyclopedias. They’re all in your phone. IT’S CRAZY.
Things it takes awhile to get used to not needing anymore: Photographs, books, and newspapers. You’ll fight this, but eventually you’ll succumb. It’s a paperless world now. Adapt or die.
You aren’t going to believe this one: Clubs play top 40 now. Rihanna, Britney, Katy Perry. That’s it. It’s very sad. The scene has changed. Clubs aren’t the subversive pleasure palaces of yore. Now, it’s just a thousand shrieking girls taking selfies and dancing to “Wake Me Up” by Aviccii.
95% of your time in any given club will be spent having your picture taken. Seriously. It’s. All. You. Do. Picture after picture after picture.
Until you want to snap someones head off.
Speaking of clubs: You’ve become a bit of a legend since you went in (YOU’RE WELCOME) and you WILL stop the room the first few times you go out. It’s an odd sensation, but even odder is when it doesn’t happen. See, you’re old now, and although many of this generation were raised on Party Monster , sometimes you’ll find yourself in a room where everybody is completely CLUELESS. They’ve never seen the Geraldos or Phil Donahues or Jenny Joneses. They’ve never heard of Angel. They don’t know or care who Julie Jewels was. They don’t even know who Andy Warhol was. A 21-year-old at WOW had never heard of Moby. MOBY. It’s weird. The generation that has the greatest access to knowledge in the history of mankind is the one that cares the least about it. So there will be places where you go where NOBODY WILL RECOGNIZE YOU and NOBODY WILL CARE. And because you are no longer a cute little twink, 20-somethings will LOOK RIGHT THROUGH YOU. Or worse: SNEER at the old man. Joy Behar once said that after 35 nobody looks at you on the beach anymore, no matter how good you look. It’s true. And it’s true everywhere. My point: Enjoy the times people recognize you, because not being recognized when your old SUUUUUUUCKS.
What else… what else….
Something happened to the Twin Towers. They aren’t there any more. Ask around for the story.
If you need a conversation opener, try “gluten.” It’s all anyone talks about anymore. Say you’re thinking of going gluten-free, and see how people light up.
Obama wants us to cough into our elbows now, instead of our balled-up fists.
You’re going to need to download the following apps ASAP: Grindr, Scruff, Jack’D, Uber, Snapchat, Vine, Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, spotify, Wikipedia, Moviephone, IMDB, HuluPlus, Fruit Ninja, and Angry Birds (dated, yes, but you need to catch up)…
A crash course on social media platforms:
Facebook is where you find people you went to high school with who now own pretend farms.
Instagram is all the people you avoid at parties posting pictures of their breakfast.
Twitter is just people you don’t know making pithy comments about serious subjects they know nothing about.
Pinterest is where morbidly obese cat ladies pin pictures of what Cersei would wear.
Tumblr is micro-blogging for tweens + gay porn.
And Vine is always just sx seconds of extreme torture.
Haterz gonna hate, of course, but the worst of the worst are YouTube commenters and Redditors. You have been warned.
Stay away from Beliebers, Little Monsters, and Directioners. They make holocaust deniers seem well-reasoned. And they will cut a bitch if you cross them.
Breaking Bad. You need to Netflix that shit NOW. (Also on your to-do list: Get Netflix.)
Movies. I was thinking of starting a #MoviesMichaelNeedstoSee on Twitter, because I can’t possibly list 18 years worth of important, life-altering movies off the top of my head, but here’s where to start: Donnie Darko, Bully, Gummo, Mysterious Skin, Blair Witch, Election, Jaw Breaker, Y Tu Mama Tambien, Apt Pupil, Hedwig, Spring Breakers, Funny Games, Happiness, The Rules of Attraction, American Psycho, Boys Don’t Cry, Velvet Goldmine, Fight Club, Bad Santa, Scream, The Ice Storm, Boogie Nights, Igby Goes Down, Rushmore, Die Mommy Die, Last Days of Disco, AI, Lost Highway, 28 Days Later, Pan’s Labyrinth, District 9, Capturing the Friedmans… and on.
Funny side note: Drug dealers almost always have Party Monster on. Or Kill Bill Volume 2. Literally WITHOUT FAIL. Every drug dealer’s apartment you will ever go to (and I’m not advising you to got to any… but) there they are. There YOU are. On a loop.
Drugs. Omg, there are so many new drugs that I’m advising you not to do. You can’t, of course, because you’re on A SPIRITUALLY ENLIGHTENED PATH now – planting trees in Angel’s name and building homes for orphans and whatnot. The last thing we need is for you to chew off some hobo’s face while high on bath salts. But there’s a WORLD of new synthetic drugs you should AT LEAST be aware of: K2, Salvio, Meow Meow…
OH. There is ONE drug that you really OUGHT TO TRY. You’ll just love it, I know it.
NO SIDE EFFECTS. And NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW you’ve done it.
It’s called krocodil.
Really, Michael, I’m just going to get a tiny, little gram of krokodil as a getting out present…. Thank me later.
Well. That should get you started.
All my best wishes for you’re newly rehabilitated life. Enjoy the new millennia, it’s been waiting for you
James St james