February 14th isn't the easiest day at the best of times – leaving for work can be difficult when the door’s wedged shut with fuscia coloured pizza ads. But having your relationship status splashed across the pages of a national gossip magazine rates pretty badly on our scale of successful Valentine’s Days.
So, having been rather aggressively described as ‘Bite’s single girls, Amy & Antonya’ in this week’s Heat magazine, allow us to put the record straight: We do, in fact, have a bevy of options this V-Day, some more attractive than others, only the raciest of which involve Haagen Daz and a TV remote. But we do realise not everyone is so lucky, so for those seeking love (or loathing) this week here are our hot tips:
For all the lovers in the house there’s Valentine’s Day; for everyone else there’s ‘The Love Doctors’, AKA Hardcore Romantique. As seen on this week’s ‘Bite’, their dazzling array of pick-up and love advice will deliver you from lonesomeness before you can say “ticket for one, back row please”, with sexy dance moves to match (move over Kerry Katona, this is the celebrity work out video you’ve been waiting for).
If having your love life reduced to rhyming couplets and proposing to strangers isn’t your bag, track The Love Doctors down at their monthly cabaret night, Dr Maglio’s Secrets at St. Aloysius Social Club in Euston. If escapologists, contortionists and human spitfires can’t distract you from the dust gathering in your lingerie drawer, nothing will.
For those who REALLY don’t like V-Day, The Last Tuesday Society are hosting an Evening of Exquisite Misery Valentine’s Special, and no-one does anti-celebration like they do. Expect crying booths, a seminar entitled “How To Deal With a Broken Heart”, and musical performances by bands whose lead singers don’t have dates.
Helpfully, this year’s Valentine’s Day helpfully coincides with London Fashion Week, ensuring wherever you go will also be populated with the beautiful children of St. Valentine himself. Hence a party sponsored by vintage clothing giant Beyond Retro with music by the Broken Hearts descends quickly from dream into nightmare when you realise it’s the after-show party for London-based designer Aganovich (Feb 14th, Queen’s Gate).
Luckily, news just in from the scientific world is that hungry men prefer a rounder woman*, so this might be the week to kill two birds with one stone and bag yourself a chisel jawed hottie and front row tickets to next years’ shows. Alternatively, take a random man to dinner and eat all his food.
Enjoy! Love hearts and kisses,
A&A xx
* It’s true!!! Read and rejoice