From the Desk of the JG

As most of you know, today is my last day at World of Wonder. After three remarkable years, I'm off to pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a professional tap dancer. Yes, I realize it's an ultra-competitive and cutthroat business, but damn it, it's what I was born to do.

But before I leave I did want to say, in this very public forum, that this company will always be very close to my heart. It's been my one and only job in Hollywood, so it's a both sad and exciting time for me as I venture out to try new things.

I've met so many fantastic people over the years - some of them are reading this email right now – and while there are far too many to single out, I did want to especially give an enormous thank you to Thairin Smothers, who has literally been there for me since day one. And it goes without saying that I am immensely grateful to the brilliant psychopaths who own the building, Randy and Fenton.

So when I'm selling out the Staples Center, tapping in front of thousands of adoring fans, I will have all the great people at WOW to thank for giving me my first shot and always encouraging me to do what I love. Dance like there's no tomorrow!

And as tradition goes, I hope to see you all across the street at Boardner's for a goodbye beer. Maybe even two.

– JG

From the Desk of the JG

Here's a question for you. Why are there so many James Bond news items all over the internet? Really, does anyone care? Personally, I could give a shit as to who is chosen as the next 007. I just don't understand why this is news. Not with all that's going on in the world. No, I'm not talking about Katrina or the Supreme Court or even Iraq. I'm talking about the real news. The stuff that anyone really cares or talks about. Celebrity news.

Katie and Tom are pregnant. Paris is single. Nick and Jessica are divorcing. And Lindsay Lohan is blaming Mexicans for her reckless driving. This is major, major stuff. I'm not trying to be a sarcastic asshole here either. I'm not one of those holier-than-thou pricks who rhetorically whines, "Why are we talking about this when there's so many real problems going on in the world?"

I'll tell you why we are. Because that other stuff is boring. And most of us aren't that smart. After all, we did elect a functional-illiterate president. Twice.

From the Desk of the JG

Let's clear things up. Despite what you've read on this blog, I am not in fact the Orange County terrorist. I've never been to Afghanistan, I don't wear turbans, and I like to eat bacon. True, Adam and I may share some similar physical traits, but we are not the same person. I've never even wished a jihad on America. I love America. Land of the free. Home of the brave.

And while it was disheartening to see this young man turn his back on our country, it was even more of a letdown to watch how truly awful his movie was. I mean, did you see this video? Giant turd. And worse off, it didn't scare anyone. It got worse reviews than Stealth. Again, I'm no terrorist, but from watching the news the past few years, I've picked up some things. Adam, if you're out there, here's five quick notes on how to make a much more effective terrorist sequel:

From the Desk of the JG

I keep reading about this supposed slump at the box-office, and I ask myself, what is keeping me from going to the movies? It's not the annoying Fanta commercials. It's not a lack of quality films being released. And it's certainly not the accessibility and convenience of DVDs. The answer is as plain as Britney Spears' face and literally sits right under my fat ass. It's the price of those damn cushy seats.

If theater owners are really concerned about declining numbers, they should offer punch cards. See 7 movies, get the 8th free. Encourage consumerism. You'd see an immediate spike in ticket sales. It's like Subway, before they discontinued their system. You go there only to get your card punched. And while we're at it, what's the deal with Subway ditching this gimmick anyway? Are profits down now that they've hired so many "sandwich artists" to stack cold cuts? Now Coffee Bean is doing the same thing and abandoning their punch card system. You can't tell me that giving away a few free coffees is hurting business. It's coffee. It shouldn't cost $3.50 in the first place. You're making a killing. Be thankful and reward the junkies who support you on a daily basis.

From the Desk of the JG

There's some bizarre shit out there. Shit that doesn't really make logical sense. Like that disgusting pig Kathy Griffin getting her own show. But that's the type of shit that I can nonetheless still believe. But this shit here, this shit I just don't get at all.

The March of the Penguins has grossed more than $18 mil and counting at the box office. Who are these people going to see this movie? How is it possible that a documentary about penguins is sweeping the nation? In fact, this weekend it's projected to become the second highest earning doc of all time. It's about penguins. Marching. And being cold. That's about it. Believe me, I saw it at Sundance. There's not much more to it.

From the Desk of the JG

With all this talk about what's in and what's not, I feel the need to chime in with my own advice on sartorial matters. Are you ready? Grab a pen. My new tip for the summer season is...shorts!

I just got a pair myself this weekend at the Gap. Twenty bucks. They're a nice light greenish / khaki. Baggy but not ridiculously big. Long, but not like skateboard degenerate long. They're age appropriate and are good for work or play. I've now worn them three days in a row without shame, but really, why should I be ashamed? I'm clean. And I'm proud to boast about my most recent purchase.

Here's the great thing I've noticed about my shorts. Not only do I look fantastic in them, but they're keeping my body temperature at a very grounded and comfortable level. Because I don't know if you've noticed, but it's fucking hot out there.

Many of you have endured my various phases. There was of course the winter beard, which was pretty well received. Then there was the less popular spring fedora craze. Still, you stood by my side with your support. So here I am again, extending my best (and exposed) leg forward and hoping that you'll not pass judgment when you see me time and time again this summer in my glorious shorts.

– Jim Galasso

From the Desk of the JG

On this Fourth of July weekend, as we celebrate another year of our great country's freedom, I was going to talk about the abominably appalling list of the 100 Greatest Americans compiled by the Discovery Channel.

If you didn't hear, We The People selected Ronald Reagan, and not founding father George Washington, or the nation's most important president, Abraham Lincoln as the single Greatest American. As bothersome as this news was to me, it had to be taken with a grain of salt. After all Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Phil and Brett Favre were also among this rag-tag, less than prestigious bunch.

From the Desk of the JG

As seen here earlier, we now read that Tom fake-popped the question. That's the present. But reports keep coming in on the backstory of his insincere and bizarre courtship of Katie Holmes. Rolling Stone says the gig was first offered to Jessica Alba. Radar claims that Scarlet Johansson, Kate Bosworth, AND Lindsay Lohan were all considered for the part, before wisely passing.

We've learned today that the list doesn't stop at celebrity, as WOW's own Fenton Bailey alleges that he too was approached to be Tom's new arm candy. According to Fenton, a team of Scientologists, wearing bright blue leather jumpsuits and pointy hats, took him out for Starbucks and schooled him on the ways of the universe. He says that the meeting lasted about an hour and half, and the word "positive" was used no fewer than 47 times.

"There was a brief period, maybe like 15 minutes, where I actually considered it," Fenton tells us. "Not for the celebrity, or the perks that come with being Tom Cruise's beau, but for those flashy jumpsuits. They just looked so cool! Real Space-agey, And they promised me I could get mine in pink."

Eventually, as we all know, the story ends with Katie Holmes getting the lead role in this artificial sham of a relationship. Still, one wonders what would have happened had Fenton taken the bait and signed up for the cult. A part in Mission: Impossible 4, an Oscar? He'll just have to wait for the inevitable split-up.

From the Desk of the JG

Man, am I envious of Anurag Kashyap. Of course, Anurag was yesterday's winner of the 78th Annual Scripps National Spelling Bee, which means right about now he's elbow deep in hot tail. I mean if history's any indicator, he's sure to see more ass than a toilet seat this weekend. These mini wordsmiths are the ultimate playboys. Like Burt Reynolds in his prime. Take a look at last year's winner, David Tidmarsh.

Sure they put in hours of tedious practice every night. And they sacrifice a normal teenage social life in exchange for reading the dictionary. But, as they say, the juice is well worth the squeeze. Once they hit that national stage, with the spotlight shining down brightly on them, the world becomes their oyster.

Endorsement money rolls in by the barrel. They never have to pay for a meal again. And the women. Oh boy, the women. It's the life. How do I know? Let's just say I have some experience.

But in addition to these congratulations, I just want to send a warning to Anurag. Don't let this victory get to your head, young man. For as wondrous as the spoils of success can be, remember this, it's all about the spelling. Because today's king is tomorrow's O-R-N-I-T-H-O-R-H-Y-N-C-H-O-U-S.

– Jim Galasso
________________________________
Jim Galasso won the National Spelling Bee in 1991, and is the author of Can I Have The Origin, Please: Spelling, Drugs, and Me.

From the Desk of the JG

Love getting drunk with friends, but tired of the same old drinking games? Well say goodbye to Asshole, Beer Pong, Keg Stands, Hearts, Tippy Cups, Beer Cheesi, Beer Golf, Checkers, Beer Jenga, Beer Uno, Aces, Brain Damage, Circle of Death, Power Hour, Drunk Driver, Drug Dealer, Go Fish, Fuck You, Buzz, 31, Anchor Man, Dimes, Dog Doo, Quarters, Spinners, Taps, Voodoo, 6 Cups, Beer Die, Three Man, Scum Bag, Beer Hunter, Boat Races, Graduation, Key Stone Cops, Sevens, Shotgun, Shoulders, Frisbeer, Letters, One Duck, Questions, Rhyme, Matchbox Game, I Never, I Robot, Roxanne, Shit On Your Neighbor, Smile, Suck And Blow, The Blues, Million Dollar Drunk, Name Game, Touchy Feely, Waterfall, Who Shit, Bat Beer, Beers for Cheers, Brady Bunch, Casino, Hi Bob, SMASH, Strange Brew, OC, Breakfast Club, Tympani, Whoville, Caps, Chandeliers, High Low, POD, World Cup, Cardinal Puff, Cow Tipping, Depth Charge, Guess the Note, Name That Tune, Hashing, Sink the Battleship, States, Stoppers, Thumper, Tips, Viking, Whiz, Bullshit, Fuzzy Duck, Ibble Dibble, Wuss Douche Bag Fucker, Zoom Swartz Bifigliano...and say hello to Edward 40 Hands! It's the drinking sensation sweeping the nation.

The title of the game is derived from the Tim Burton film. But unlike the poor and freakish Scissorhands, this physical defect will make you the envy of all your friends! The supplies and premise are simple. Using duct tape, have someone wrap a 40 (preferably malt liquor) securely around each hand. Open the beers beers by mouth, and drink til their gone. Your hands will not recoup their freedom until both 40s have been properly downed. First to finish gets the undying respect of the group. For the expert edition, repeat the above steps.

Easy. Fun. Wasted.

Enjoy!

– Jim Galasso

From the Desk of the JG

The following is an excerpt from an interview with Amber Tamblyn. It can be seen in its entirety in the June issue of Rolling Stone:

"I thought I was going to die that night. We were so fucked up. Coke. Pills. Vodka. You name it, we'd fucking done it, man. It was all a haze. And you know, when I'm on coke, I think I'm fucking invincible, right?"

She stops and lights a cigarette, "So I get in the car. I'd just gotten this new Porsche. Beautiful car. Custom made Gucci interiors. The whole deal. Cost me a quarter of a mil."

Pausing to exhale, she blows out a ring of smoke. "I learned that from that cocksucker Mantegna. That guy's a blast. Now where was I?"

We're at the Coffee Bean on Sunset Blvd, and I notice that she is easily distracted by passersby. I ask her if she is aware of this. "Oh, shit yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? These animals are always looking for something to put in their goddamn rags. Like Joan of Arcadia can't have a good time. You know, Joan is a character. People don't fucking realize that."

Confused, I tell her that I didn't realize people associated her as this Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid type party girl. "Yeah, right," she laughs. "Don't I wish? I wish people could just focus on my work, and not who I'm fucking, you know?"

A young girl comes over to ask for her autograph, which Amber dutifully signs. "That," she pauses "that is what it's all about. Connecting with people. But the sad thing is, that girl will probably go to school on Monday and tell people, I met Joan of Arcadia and she was a huge bitch."

Her voice raises, "That's the shit I put up with every motherfucking day. I give my all. I give my love. And what do I get in return? Sure I have a beautiful house in the hills. And yeah, I make a shitload of money for doing something I love. But is it really worth the judging? I don't know, man. Haters. They're all fucking haters."

Amber Tamblyn can be seen Friday nights on CBS's Joan of Arcadia and in the upcoming movie The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

From the Desk of the JG

I'm feeling a little down today and I'll tell you why. It's not that Constantine was voted off American Idol last night. Though that didn't help. It's not that Lost was a repeat. That clip show was much needed. And it's not because when I walked in the door this morning I was literally slapped silly by James. Because frankly, I think I deserved it.

It's because last night I went to Rudy's Barbershop and got a fresh new haircut. And only one person in the office has noticed so far. My dear friend Mary Ann. Bless her heart.

This bothers me because I always make it a point to comment when someone gets a new do. Even if I don't like it, I smile and say it looks good. It's just the way I was raised. But the point of this isn't to talk about how polite and well mannered I am. That's a whole other posting.

I'm just saying. It's common courtesy. When someone gets a haircut, you acknowledge it. You say something. It's like a sneeze. Or when your friend starts dating someone new. You just grin and say, "looks good" or "God bless you" or "yeah, she seems...nice." Even if she's super ugly. Regardless of what you think. Or how bad your teeth hurt from grinding together. You just do it.

So my friends at WOW you've dropped the ball. You've made me feel unloved and unnoticed. I hope you're proud of yourselves.

– Jim Galasso

From the Desk of the JG

I'm slow. Behind the times. So yesterday. While everyone is talking about the Tyra screamfest last night, I was busy watching American Idol. Does anyone still follow that show? It's my first season, so you'll have to forgive me. I never watched it before. I thought I was above it.

But now I'm doing a new thing. I'm trying not to be judgmental. You can do that when you live in a world of TiVo. You don't have to be as selective. It's all out there and it's all fair game. I even watched an episode of Chasing Farrah. See, no judging.

Back to Idol. I don't have a favorite. Other than Simon. He's really funny. I mean he tells people to their face that they are horrible. Not just horrible performers, but horrible human beings. It's goddamn priceless.

The other two idiots I could care less about. Paula's face is completely frozen and I don't think it's because of the Botox. I think she is constantly reminded that she is the luckiest moron in the world to have stumbled onto this gravy train and can't wipe the smile off her face because of it. And Randy. Oh lord. To me, a giant black man shouldn't say "Dog, you totally rocked, dude" to a 17-year-old white girl who just sang "Oklahoma." It's just not natural.

As for the competitors, I'm not really sure who I'm pulling for. Scott's pretty good. Anyone who pulls out "Against All Odds" – twice! – is alright in my book. I mean how can you not love that song? "Take a look at me now/I'm just an empty face/And when I see you/I know that/It's what I have to chase/So take a look at me now!" I've been trying to buy it on iTunes all day, but mine is busted (Tommy, can you take a look at it?).

The moral of this story. Don't judge, because you never know who's going to bring the wonderful gift of Phil Collins back into your life.

– Jim Galasso

From the Desk of the JG

We learned today of the sad passing of a brilliant comedic mind. Mitch Hedberg was one of the funniest stand-ups around. Here is just a small piece of his genius. – Jim Galasso

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means it's dirty.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
 
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
 
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic." "Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Why are there no "during" pictures.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

When someone hands you a flier, it's like they're saying, 'Here, you throw this away.'

I wish I could play Little League now. I'd be way better than before.

I had a bag of Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They reminded me of when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, "Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like mine."

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again" because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No. But I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

[Ed note: Read what there is to read about Hedberg's death at mtv.com.]

From the Desk of the JG

Today is an exciting day. Why? Because finally finally finally The Office is here! I am a huge fan of the BBC series, but am a little nervous that the humor won't translate. I mean the original British version is so funny, I'm just not sure we can nail it down here in the States.

Remember this scene from season one? I was in stitches:

Office manager: Hello.
Office worker 1: Hello
Office manager: Want a spot of tea to match that spot on your tie?
Office worker 1 (looks down at shirt)
Office manager: Made you look.
Office worker 1: Jolly good joke sir.

Or this classic from season two:

Office manager: Let's go out to lunch everyone, my treat!
Office (in unison): Horrah!
Office manager: Not you though, Man With Unidentifiable Speech Impediment Wearing Baby Diapers. You have to stay here and file papers, mate.

And please, let's not forget the hysterical exchange from the Christmas special. I still tear up thinking about it:

Office manager: Did you see the bobbie down by the pub?
Office worker 3: I didn't, no.
Office manager: Well you weren't looking hard enough. He was right there.
Office worker 3: I haven't been to the pub yet sir. It's only quarter past 11.
Office manager: It's got to be 5 o'clock somewhere.
Office worker 3: Cheerio.
Office manager: Right.

So you see my point. This show is perfection. But of course we had to meddle with it. I just pray they don't butcher it too badly, because comedy like this only comes along once in a blue moon. Or as they'd say in The Office, it's like Margaret Thatcher's jubblies.

– Jim Galasso

From the Desk of the JG

Not in 60 years has a dictator come along and governed with such ruthless autocracy. Stamping their mark on a nation, and spreading terror among its people. There is a new tyrant on the global scene. One we should be wary of. I am of course speaking of Tina Fey and her stronghold on Saturday Night Live. Now, I'm not comparing her with Hitler - per se - but I am on to her scheme of world domination.

She and her little henchman, Amy Poehler, cover the show from top to bottom. Their fingerprints are all over every sketch. It's like watching a goddamn eighth-grade slumber party. They invite Maya Rudolph over only because she's in their class and they are obliged. While Rachel Dratch gets to join the group to make them feel prettier.

A year ago, both Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were on top of their games. They were charismatic and witty. And Tina Fey's resurgence of "Weekend Update" made her a critical darling and fan favorite. Throw in the success of Mean Girls and she's a freaking star. Even a sex symbol. In short, I was in love. Apparently that was Phase One of the plan. We're now fully immersed in Phase Two, which is to rule the show with a tightly clenched iron fist.

How else to explain the men of the cast? There's the underused Seth Myers and Chris Parnell, the misplaced Horatio Sanz, followed by a group of piece-of-shit comics who couldn't funny themselves out of a wet paper bag. Have there ever been worse players in the show's history than Finesse Mitchell and Fred Armisen? They are the antithesis of funny. Don't tell me that Tina Fey doesn't know that. I'm on to her. I'm wise to her whole plan.

Now most of you are probably saying, You're 26 years old and should be doing better things with your life than spending Saturday night in front of the television. I say to you, Yes I should, but I have social problems and am afraid of gatherings, both large and small. So I'm stuck with little choice.

But consider yourself warned. Don't let Tina Fey enter Phase Three, which by my calculations is getting her hands on nuclear weapons. She's already sent Amy Poehler to invade Arrested Development and I'm sure she's got her eye on replacing Dan Rather at CBS. The revolution is being televised. It's up to us to keep the bloody casualties to a minimum.

– Jim Galasso

The Purloined Blog

[Ed. note: Jim Galasso, who writes the WOW Report's "From the Desk of the JG," has of late not been. He tenses up, we think, gives himself blogger's block. In his own blog, The JG, he's all loose-limbed and fearless. So, while he's sleeping, we've broken into The JG and stolen his latest post in its entirety – links, comments, and all.]

March 11, 2005
_____________________________________

TV Guide

I think I've officially replaced The Trump Show with The Contender. It's pretty good. And at the end, rather than some bored room (note the clever spelling. Damn am I quick. I bet no one has ever written that before. Note to self: In this week's letter to Entertainment Weekly use the "bored room" line. Yeah, that's sure to get me published. They'll be forced to include me in the letters section. I will triumph. Okay, where was I? Am I still in the parenthesis? This has to be breaking some standard grammar rules.) there are two guys beating the shit out of each other. This is where reality tv should have gone years ago. Organized and unapologetic violence. It's a beautiful thing. Sly is the man.

I'm lukewarm on Fat Actress. There's only been the one episode so far, and it was mediocre. It's got potential, but I thought the writing was weak. Obviously it's a knock off of Curb. The music, the shooting style, the Hollywood cameos. But Curb is exponentially smarter and funnier. You just can't compete with Larry David. So come up with your own shit. Why the docu-series look? It doesn't make sense if you're just going to write it and edit it as if it were a sitcom. Still, I think it could be funny. We'll see.

Finally, I think it's official. The OC is done. It's a horrible show, with annoying characters, cheap publicity stunts, and corny storylines. I'm completely embarrassed that I still watch it. I don't know how much more I'm willing to put up with. The question is, will Skylar ever take down the Seth Cohen poster in his office?

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From the Desk of the JG

What's worse than listening to a Republican argue politics? Listening to a nine-year-old Republican argue politics. Have you heard of this kid Noah McCullough? If not, you will soon. He's going out on a nationwide tour, acting as a delegate of the conservative lobby group Progress For America. He'll be talking about the benefits of Bush's plan for a change in the system.

Again, this kid is nine.

When I was nine, I wanted to play baseball for the New York Mets. Most kids that age dream of being firemen, astronauts, Audrey Hepburn. This kid wants to fix social security. And you know what, it's not cute. Not in the slightest bit.

I've got some advice for little Noah. Go outside. Scrape your knee. Get into trouble. Throw rocks at cars. Shit, I don't know. Do something that's not going to get your ass kicked everyday at school. Like going on the Today Show and asking Katie Couric for her vote - in 2032.

And the kid's mom is sitting right next to him on the couch with Katie. Smiling. Saying it's his calling. And maybe this is how presidents are made.

Presidents? No. Twenty-seven-year-old virgins? Yes. Unibombers? Yes.

From what I can gather, this kid isn't Mozart. He's not writing books on political theories and building a working democracy in Iraq. He's just spitting out what he reads. And that's fine that he's got an interest in this stuff. But to make public appearances to talk about it? Get the hell out of our faces.

Is it any surprise this kid started his TV career on Leno?

From the Desk of the JG

I was going to take out a full page ad in the trades, but frankly, I don't have that kind of scratch. I'm not Rob Schneider for chrissakes. But I did want to make an eleventh-hour plea to Oscar voters to recognize this year's best movie, and the WOW Report is the only outlet that would let me do it. Still, they're charging per word, so I'll keep this short.

Dear Members of the Academy,

Although I am excited about this Sunday's telecast of the 77th Annual Academy Awards, I am putting forth a last ditch effort for your consideration of a film that I believe was grossly overlooked during this Awards Season. That film is Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, starring the incomparable Will Ferrell.

Co-written by the SNL alum, the movie is a period piece with a political message. It's not simply a goofball comedy, with the occasional, yet well-placed boner joke. It speaks about the women's equal rights movement of the '70s, and in particular the plight of news anchor Veronica Corningstone, played with incredible moxie by Christina Applegate.

While the cinematic innovations in comedies are often brushed aside when the trophies are handed out, I ask you to reconsider in this case. This is Will Ferrell in the performance of a lifetime. He entices loud belly laughs and tearful sobs as the hardheaded Burgundy. He smacks you in the face with a ferocious and, dare I say, feral passion, and reminds us all to "stay classy," in the tradition of the legendary Humphrey Bogart and Clark Gable (two people, I should point out, I know virtually nothing about).

Most of you have quietly grumbled about this year's crop of films being less than stellar. So I beg you, members of the prestigious Academy, to reconsider. Stop the presses, and demand another vote. You owe it to yourself.

Classily Yours,
Jim Galasso

From the Desk of the JG

The positive movie reviews that we're getting (and I say "we" as if I'm the creative force behind this doc) are nice. But sometimes critics can't be trusted. Sometimes you just need a friend's advice. I've asked some of the people in my life for their feedback on Inside Deep Throat.

"I've got a rocket in my pocket." - My buddy Gregg

"I saw boobies. Big fake boobies!" - My cousin Tim

"It's the Spider-Man II of insightful porn documentaries." - My online chat buddy, spideysenses4193

"That thing Harry Reems has is enormous. I mean look at the size of that thing. It's so gigantic. But why'd he shave it off?" - Chris McKim

"I liked when the T-Rex ate all the aliens." - My four year old neighbor, Billy, who I told I was working on Jurassic Park 4: Dinos in Space

"Yes, I get the joke. You've said it everyday for the past three weeks. Now seriously, would you like a six-inch or a footlong." - Sandwich artist Miguel from Subway

"Shameful. Disgusting. Ungodly. (Whisper) When does it come out on DVD?" - Father Thomas McGinley

"That Gerard Damiano is one sharp dresser." - Me

"Will Smith has done it again! Undeniably charming!" - Moye Ishimoto

"Run! Run now! Run as far away from that place as you can." - My mom

– Jim Galasso

From the Desk of the JG

Frankly, I'm shocked. I know you can't believe everything you read in the press, but this is Page Six. The creme de la creme of tabloid gossip. They've got clout. Still, I'm having a hard time accepting today's lead item. According to the New York Post, my bosses are GAY. Both of them.

"We are gay." Fenton Bailey confirmed.

There it is. In black and white, for all to see. This shocking revelation was brought about by the legendary Legs McNeil, who is famous for. . . well, to tell the truth, I have no idea what this guy if famous for. But his name is Legs, and that just screams ingenuity to me.

Now, I knew they were "shitty filmmakers," as Legs so eloquently put it. And I knew they were smug, stupid assholes who made fun of everybody, as Legs also stated. After all, I've worked with them for over two years. But homosexual? I was completely in this dark on this one. Who saw it coming? Not this guy.

This would explain why they are constantly trying to put product in my hair and make me over. And all the pink around the office. It's starting to make sense now. The ever-present show tunes, the leather chaps, the lisps, and the perfectly manicured eyebrows. How could I not see this?

Well, this changes everything. I could accept their sleazy behavior before, when I thought they were just dickheads. But now I've got to watch out, you know how those gays get. Always trying to infiltrate the straight world and copy everything we do.

I feel so confused, so alone...but at least I still have James.

– Jim Galasso

From the Desk of the JG

Great, Super!

The talk this week around the office is all about the Super Bowl. Yes, we have a huge movie premiering tonight at the ArcLight (and opening in a big city near you next weekend), but the people here at WOW are die hard football fans. There have been some pretty heated debates about who will win.

I sat down with Randy Barbato, Fenton Bailey, Thairin Smothers and James St. James to talk about Sunday's matchup.

FB: If you look at Bill Belichick's success, not just as a head coach, but in his years running Parcells's D in New York, he just always gets it done. He's the master. His guys are always prepared, and they're one step ahead.

RB: That's true, I'm not doubting his genius. He gets his guys ready. But I think on the opposite sideline, Andy Reid has done an equally impressive job with...

TS: You're kidding, right? You're comparing Andy Reid to Belichick? How many titles does Reid have?

RB: Well, none.

TS: That's right. So what makes you think he can beat the world champs this year? This team chokes in the big game. They dropped three NFC championship games in a row.

JSJ: They've gotten over that hump though. The team this year is different than in years past. You've got a healthy Brian Westbrook. The return of Jeremiah Trotter. And don't forget TO.

FB: TO's not going to make a difference. He hasn't played in 7 weeks and he's got a bum ankle. He'll catch three passes for minimal yardage.

RB: This isn't just any receiver we're talking about here. This guy is one of the top three wide outs in the game, who is in better shape than anyone in the league.

JSJ: He will open up the passing attack to let Donovan go deep. And New England is going to keep an extra man on him, which will allow McNabb to run.

FB: He's not going to run. New England will keep a spy on him. Teddy Bruschi will shadow him all day. Belichick and Romeo Crennel will throw zone packages and blitzes at him. McNabb, as great a player he is, doesn't have the talent around him to beat the Patriots.

TS: I completely agree. The Pats shut out Peyton Manning. Shut him out. Why wouldn't they do the same to a lesser Philly offensive attack?

RB: I just think this is Philly's year. Something is telling me it's their year. Jim Johnson will put pressure in Brady's face and not let him throw the ball downfield.

JSJ: I got Philly too. Look for Westbrook to have a huge impact on the game. He can catch and he can run. That guy is a big time difference-maker.

TS: I gotta stick with the champs. Tom Brady's got two Super Bowl MVPs. I see no reason he won't get his third. He's cool under pressure. He's his generations answer to Joe Montana.

FB: Agreed. Should be a rout. I just don't see how you beat this team. They play so well together as a team. Look at what Troy Brown has done this year. I like New England by at least two touchdowns.

– Jim Galasso

From the Desk of the JG

I've always believed that at one point in every man's life, he should have a beard. I've tried a few times in the past, and always wound up quitting after a week or so. It takes real stamina and endurance to complete the full beard. I've toyed with goatees, but those aren't the real thing, and they always end up looking, well, kind of wack.

After my recent trip to Sundance I was inspired to go the distance, and I have to say, I've got a pretty decent one going right now. And the Beard Magic is working. I feel more confident, more free and more handsome. Like Tom Brady. Justin Timberlake. And Saddam Hussein. I'm not saying I'm at these gentlemen's level – yet – but they are the models on which I've based my facial stubble.

As I once read somewhere in a famous book, if you want something that's worth anything, it's going to take work to get that something. Or is it that for important things you need to believe to achieve, and then that something will come to life. Is that it? I'm not so great with expressions. Regardless, this beard isn't going to just happen. I will have to have a serious dedication. Ignore the itching. And nevermind the naysayers who tell me I look like a dirty hippie.

My beard and I wish you well, as I hope you do the same to us.

– Jim Galasso

Urp!

We keep forgetting to swipe this clip off of Jim Galasso's blog, The JG. It's of poor Tyrone Davies who went on his local morning show to talk about his documentary on monkeys who went into space. He was very very nervous. We've been in that situation ourselves. But this never happened. Watch the clip and be patient.

From the Desk of the JG

OK, I was supposed to be on the Star Watch beat Sunday night for the Golden Globes. The higher ups here at WOW had the fantastic idea of recording the minutes and tracking all of the heinous things spewed out of Star Jones' mouth. I was supposed to make funny comments on them.

It was a terrific idea.

Well, it didn't happen.

I got home too late and missed the whole red carpet. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing. Either way, I blew my assignment. (Although on a side note, I was tempted to have Moye draw up another one of these petitions for Usher, who inexcusably was rocking dark shades indoors. Get over yourself, you dick.)

So where am I going with this?. . .Oh, right. . . We are all very excited about the early returns on the petition. We're at 150 and counting. But unfortunately that's not going to cut it, folks. We're taking on a monster here. We need to hit at least 10 grand. The Oscars are five weeks away. There's still time.

Now do your duty as citizens of this world. Donate to UNICEF and sign this goddamn petition.

Thank you.

– Jim Galasso

From the Desk of the JG

As many of you have probably heard, Star Jones recently said she was blessed by God for missing the tsunami in Thailand where she was honeymooning with her gay husband. Many of you probably also heard that that was A MONTH AGO.

So never mind how this disgusting human being actually got on television in the first place, let us instead concentrate on how to get her off of it. And fast. Somehow she's spreading. We only have a few days before she hits the red carpet for the Golden Globes. Therefore, I (and by that I mean Moye, who is far more computer literate) have started an online petition. Sign it and pass it on. Tell a friend. Do something good for all of mankind.

Sign the petition here.

– Jim Galasso

From the Desk of the JG

I missed LOST last night and I'm afraid I'm going to be all thrown off now for the rest of the season. I hear there was some sort of little toy plane that Freckles McFrecklie killed some dudes in a bank robbery to get. Then Dimples Von Dimpleton took the briefcase that contained it and she had to physically pry it away from him. Damn, she's a badass. I wonder what Dr. Stubbleface was doing the whole time. Probably being awesome. That's what he's best at.

And what about Pregnant O'Preggy? Did she get rescued yet? And what is Iraqi Pete up to? Is the transmitter fixed? And Hobby Hobinstein? Chubby Chubberland? Old Crazy Balderdash? The Bobbsey Twins? What is going on?

I really can't afford to miss any more episodes. Clearly I can't remember everyone's name as it is. I'm too busy trying to figure out where the hell they are. My dear friend James St. James (that's right, I'm a name dropper!) thinks the island is an alien circus. He may be right. How else to explain the polar bear and the monster in the bushes?

Regardless, that JJ Abrahamston is one clever fella.

– Jim Galasso

From the Desk of the JG

Today on imdb Joe Simpson is quoted as saying that his daughter Ashlee is going to be a "huge movie star. She's like Meg Ryan or Cameron Diaz, with probably more depth. When we're done, she'll play it all."

I read another quote in GQ, where he says about his other daughter, Jessica, "She is just sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!"

If you just had to stop yourself from vomiting, you're not alone. The point is, this guy sounds like a real asshole. And I imagine him to be the type of asshole that asks and answers his own questions. Like this:

"Do I think that my daughters are extraordinarily talented? With all my heart. Do I think they'll both be the brightest stars in Hollywood? You betcha. Are we going straight to the top? No doubt in my mind. But are they still grounded and level headed? They sure are. Is it all about the work? It is and always will be. Have I used sex to sell their marginal talent? Not more than anyone else has done with other female pop stars.

"Do I regret the decisions I've made? Not on your life. If given the opportunity, would I squeeze Jessica's boobs? Talk to me after a few whiskey sours. Have I ever thought that life would be easier if I disowned Ashlee? On occasion. Did I nearly do it after the SNL fiasco? I had papers drawn up. Was I wrong to do that? Maybe. Do I think that if I mixed their DNA with Clay Aiken's in some sort of genetic cocktail that I could create the ultimate teen idol? I do. Have I tried it? I've gone through three unsuccessful mutants already. Has stardom gone to my head? No, I'm the same old country bumpkin that I've always been. Wink."

– Jim Galasso

From the Desk of the JG

I won a radio station contest not too long ago and received the unbelievable prize of attending an in-studio session with Lindsay Lohan. She performed some of her new tracks for us, one of which was her anti-war song "If I Was President."

Dylan it's not, but I tell you, the kid's got some protest chops. Unfortunately, this song did not make the final cut on her new album, Speak. But I was lucky enough to get a copy of the lyrics.

what's up with the world today,
i don't know what's up
people fighting people dying
i think it needs to stop

why can't there be peace all around
no more planes dropping bombs
all over the ground

no one should have a gun
there'd be lots more love
and everyone would have fun

the kids in iraq are hungry and dying
our president says he cares
but i think he's lying

i ask you mr. president where are the weapons
we went to war for those weapons
but where are those weapons

let's stand up it's not too late
we have the power
to change the fate

if i was the president
color of skin would not matter
we'd all party together
life would be much phatter

if i was the president
color of skin would not matter
we'd all party together
life would be much phatter

it's not just in our dreams the future is now
let's all smile and hug
it will happen somehow...

From the Desk of The JG

As Head of Development, I hear and read a lot of reality show pitches. Most will never see the light of day, so I figured this would be a good forum where these creative gems can be seen.

Hey, You're Not a Doctor
We take three regular people and pit them against one another in the field of medicine, to see who can pass as a real MD. Set in the ER at Cedars-Sinai we watch as the people – who are barely high school educated – deal with healing serious illness, fatal gunshots, and brutal accidents. Can they cut it under the pressure?

I'm in a Red State, Get Me Out of Here!
We take a single mom, a married gay couple, a black teenager, and a Mexican immigrant and see who can go from state line to state line without being either arrested or demonstrated against. It's The Amazing Race meets Survivor meets Deliverance.

For Love or Soup
We take a group of homeless people and each week they are given the choice of a hot date or a hot meal. The game is filled with surprises, and the end features a major twist where one horny hobo will chose between a trip to the Playboy mansion or a lifetime supply of Jack In the Box. 

Trading Corpses: Meet Your New Body
We take two recently dead bodies and switch them at the morgue. The families don't know it until they get to the open casket at the funeral. After the initial shock, they let loose with a tirade of a eulogy, revealing their true feelings about the deceased and how they never lived up to the person they could have been.

– Jim Galasso