You Say Goodbye and I Say Fuck You

The Beatles' "Hello Goodbye," icky from the moment Paul conceived it, is enjoying a very painful rebirth thanks to those Target commercials. How many versions of the song have been used to sell toothpaste and housewares so far? It's getting to the point that we're afraid to turn on the television. Is the retail emporium attempting to win a Guinness Book world record?

The Christian Right

Never in a million years would we have thought we'd like this guy, but we totally adore him. Here's the haphazardly hilarious Project Runway winner and probable red-carpet host at the next MTV Movie Awards, Christian Siriano, talking to MTV's Control Freak about the clothing lines of The Hills' Heidi and Lauren. We think he doesn't like them. (Watch here)

Soap Oprah

Did anyone watch Barbara try to cry on Oprah? It was pathetic. OMG, I couldn't stop re-winding. Yes, yes, I know all the chatter is about how she dissed about Star Jones and Rosie and her black lover...blah balh blah. The truly revealing moment was Barbara trying to pump some tears out of her totally snatched eyes. Oprah cued her perfectly, and she tried so hard. Really she did. OMG, it's fabulous TV, watching Barbara try to cry! Sell the product sweetie! The best she could do is get misty-eyed recounting her sister's death (and the bad speech that day). Hmmmm. (ABC News)

– Randy Barbato

Ugly Lohan

One of the first shots of Lindsay Lohan's guest spot on the May 22 season finale of Ugly Betty. Lohan plays a mean high-school classmate of Betty's who reappears and makes her life hell. Sounds like "...and Lindsay Lohan as herself." Lohan will continue her guest arc in the first five episodes of Betty when the show returns for a third season. Re Lohan's on-set onset: "Lindsay was on time and actually arrived on set early," said a source. "She did a good job." But it was also said that another of the show's guest stars, Naomi Campbell, "displayed very un-diva-like behavior on set." (ABC; Metro)

Spears Reappears

On May 12, Britney Spears reprises her role as Abby on How I Met Your Mother, but instead of crushing on Josh, she flips for Barney. "Everyone was so nice," says Spears of her previous Mother experience. (Us)

Channel Knowledge

Mary-Kate Olson on Weeds, Britney Spears on How I Met Your Mother, Lindsay Lohan on Ugly Betty. Now we get word that Paris Hilton will be guesting on an episode of Lost. No idea if she'll be in a flashback or a flashforward, but she's bound to flash something.

The Mystery of the Lost Body Hair

Defamer wants to know what happened to Jack's chest hair. He was as hirsute as a West Hollywood bear cub on the island (at left), but on terror firma (at right, in last night's ep) he's as smooth as a newborn's anus. What gives? It would be a trivial observation on, say, Samantha Who?, but on Lost, even much lesser details are of great import.

Channel Knowledge

Actress Nicholle Tom, from IFC's The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman, sent us this emai:

Just wanted to inform y'all that I have an extremely intense Cold Case coming up. It airs on CBS this Sunday at 8PM. I play a drug-addicted mother who is accused of killing her baby in a fire. Oh yeah, it's a happy one, and just in time for Mothers Day! But seriously, I learned so much on this show, it was an amazing experience for me, and a really great character. I worked really hard, and I'm very excited! So, please enjoy the show, or set your TiVo/DVR boxes! Love and Happiness to All!

The Walters Affair

However horrible it is now to picture The View's slightly doddering senior, Barbara Walters, being intimate with a man, she did in fact have her share of flings. On Tuesday's Oprah she admits to having a yearslong affair in the 1970s with Edward Brooke, the Republican senator from Massachusets. "I was certainly involved," Walters tells Winfrey. "He was exciting. He was bwilliant. It was exciting times in Washington." Brooke was the first African-American to be popularly elected into the Senate, in 1967, and because their romance would have ruined both their careers had it been made public, Walters waited until now to tell it in her new memoir, Audition. (CNN)

Americon Icon?

Call me a snob, but I normally don't watch all those competition programs such as Dancing with the Stars or American Idol. But ohhhh boy, I watched American Idol last night. For those old enough to remember, on occasion an ancient I-don't-give-a-shit Bette Davis, with a face contorted from strokes, would put on a big flowery hat and motor over to Burbank to appear on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson to say whatever the fuck came into her head. It was like this delicious train wreck and I was in my teens and after every appearance I just thought: "Now THAT is how I want to be in my autumn years." But I've changed my mind. Now I want to be Paula Abdul. Wasn't she glorious? I'd give anything to have all that hair piled on top of my head, sleep-deprived and drunk on live national television and just be sassy and say shit that had no relationship to reality.

– Ray Cochran

In Arm's Way

Handsome Chilean soap star Cristian de la Fuente, who recently served jury duty on World of Wonder's ¡Viva Hollywood! star-search show, suffered a severe muscle cramp in his arm, oddly, while dancing the samba with partner Cheryl Burke and had to end the routine abruptly. Burke said she "heard something crack." (gaywired)

Diff'rent Folks

Gary Coleman and Shannon Price on Divorce Court, where Price says of the 40-year-old virgin, "If he doesn't get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a 5-year-old does. He, like, stomps the floor and yells, 'Meehhhh,' and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too." The two-parter airs this Thursday and Friday. (AP photo)

Ken Lee Tulibu Dibu Douchoo

A contestant on Bulgarian Idol tries her hand at singing a Badfinger/Nilsson hit in English. She should have used her brain instead of her hand. (t/y Dirk)

Curry Dish

Madonna appeared on the Today show yesterday to promote I Am Because We Are, the documentary about her Raising Malawai charity. Unfortunately, she pulled the short straw and got WOW's favorite Today personality, Ann Curry, as her inquisitor. Here's some of what dlisted had to say about the spot:

Madge's faux British accent was intact through the whole interview. You know, it didn't bother me. I was too distracted with Ann Curry's creepy soft "interview voice." The bitch has serial killer voice! It's the voice you hear after you've been kidnapped and tied up at the bottom of a well. The serial killer crawls down, holds you, strokes your hair and tells you in creepy Ann Curry voice that everything will be okay. I'd rather hear Madge's phoney British accent than Ann's phoney "I care" voice.

Who Doesn't Know Gary Coleman?

It seems like only hours ago that Cary Coleman married his ginger sweetheart Shannon Price. But eight months later, the couple have ended their union on television before Judge Toler in a two-part Divorce Court. The relationship sounded sketchy from the beginning when Coleman said he was glad to know Shannon did not know who he was when they first met, and a year later she proposed to him after an argument. The divorce airs May 1. (Bossip)

Desk Set

We've been looking forward for a long time to Conan O'Brien taking over Jay Leno's desk on the Tonight Show when Leno is forced to retire in May '09, but we're not sure we're embracing the news that Jimmy Fallon will replace O'Brien. If we find we don't like the self-conscious gigglepuss, we'll switch to Craig Ferguson, who's hilarious.

The Genius of Gossip Girl

So it takes New York magazine to say out loud what we've all been thinking: that Gossip Girl is the "BEST. SHOW. EVER." Yep, you heard them. EVER! As in THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION. Forget Lucy, Mary Tyler Moore, Seinfeld and Lost (PLEASE can we forget Lost?). It's Gossip Girl, plain and simple. According to the article, GG is (quote, unquote) "the future of television," it is "changing the very model of successful TV," it "GETS New York" unlike any other show, and "because against all odds, it offers profound social commentary." It''s a hell of an article – read it in full HERE.

– James St James

Celebrity Accomplice

As if it weren't crime enough that Celebrity Apprentice is green-lighted for another season, the acquitted double-murderer OJ Simpson has asked the sphincter-mouthed Donald Trump if he can be on the next show and the request is being considered. "Simpson really wants to do it. Trump and NBC are thinking about it, but are being very cautious," a source told Page Six. "There's a certain amount of heat associated with Simpson." Really.

Mother Love

The stunt casting continues on How I Met Your Mother, though without as much fanfare. James Van Der Beek guested last night as Robin's onetime boyfriend, Canuk rocker Simon from her '80s music-video years. The sitcom did a number on the former awesome Dawson, making him paunchy and with thinning hair, emphasizing his still magnificently huge head, then gave him an ironic retroglam look for his spot in Robin's long-lost B-sider video, "Sandcastles in the Sand."

Gossip Girly Boy

Face it, guys: As much as we all want Chase Crawford's character on Gossip Girl to bottom for badboy Chuck Bass, there is NO WAY IN HELL that the PTB will allow their breakout heartthrob to go homo. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER. We DO know, however, that SOMEONE is about to come out of the closet, and I'm thinking (and hoping and praying) that it's pretty little crazy-boy (crazy little pretty-boy?) Eric van der Woodsen. Connor Paolo (who plays Serena's little brother) is all soft and pretty like a girl, anyway, so it's just a hop, skip, and jump to "class queer," RIGHT? And look at how good he looks in a dress (picture from the movie Alexander)! Mark my words, people.

– James St James

A Rose Is a Rose

'Charlie Rose' by Samuel Beckett is like Frost/Nixon by Harold Pinter.

Spears Reappears

Now that Neil Patrick Harris has as good as retracted his remark about How I Met Your Mother not needing stunt casting to improve its ratings, the sitcom has been made safe for the return of Britney Spears, whose guest appearance not long ago was wildly overpraised simply because she wasn't awful. She'll probably be Emmy-nominated. Since she's reprising her role as the receptionist in a dermatologist's office, we can only hope Sarah Chalke will return as the dermatologist. Meanwhile, series regular Jason Segel almost seems like stunt casting these days. (Peeps; photo via Socialite's Life)

A Fierce of Nature

Tiny, hilarious designer Christian Siriano, winner of the most recent Project Runway, subject of a spot-on Amy Poehler impression, and one-man champion of making "fierce" new again, will be guesting as himself on the May 1 ep of Ugly Betty. And he's bringing a trunkful of designs and an entourage to wear them. That's Betty costar Becki Newton in a fierce number, above.

Meow

The network that has just reportedly landed Project Runway, has also apparently landed The Flying Tigress. The Lifetime Network might be dressing up their programming schedule with cable's most fashionable series, but when it comes to branding... well, you know what they say: You can lead a horse to water but... (via TV Week)

Fashion Wars at This Year's Upfronts

The LIFETIME vs BRAVO smackdown continues and is the buzz of this year's cable upfronts! This morning, the LA Times featured Lifetime's Andrea Wong touting her new spring wardrobe, which of course features Project Runway, but within hours of the paper hitting the stands there was an LA Times on-line update featuring Bravo's Lauren Zalaznick sharing their new line up, making playful jabs at Harvey Weinstein AND reminding everyone that season 5 of Project Runway will be on Bravo! Whew!

Exploratory Forecast

Mark Mathis, weatherman at WCCB in Charlotte, North Carolina, cracks himself up (and, yes, us) repeating a medical term just reported on the air by one of his colleagues. (via Radar's "Cloudy with a Chance of Fabulous" post)

Pup Culture: Bakers Not Barkers

Artist William Wegman's genius Wiemaraners bake up some bread on Sesame Street, circa mid-'90s. Hilarious, and just a wee bit creepy. (via OMGblog)

[Funny Headline Here]

We can't imagine what Jay Leno and Ryan Phillippe could have in common that Leno would think of them as friends, especially after nearly driving the Stop-Loss actor off the Tonight show stage recently with his unrelenting gay-baiting. After obliquely apologizing the next day for embarrassing his guest, Leno shrugged off the incident when asked about it at a premiere in Hollywood last night. "That's all silly, of course," he said. He hasn't seen or heard from Phillippe since the night in question, but still insists, "We're friends. I mean, it's a talk show. That's what you do." Thankfully, we have only one more year of him. (Peeps; photo: Paul Smith/Featureflash/Retna)

Baby Got Backup Dancers

Long thought to be a has-been, Vanilla Ice's music still does it for some people. Like this entertainment reporter on a local Los Angeles news program, who had backup dancers at the ready when she broke into a just-horrible, not-funny rendition of "Ice Ice Baby" in the middle of reporting the on the arrest of the alleged wife-beaater last night for "hitting and kicking" his wife. Asked about the backup dancers by an anchor, she said they "light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle everywhere."

BFF, Not BARFF

After casting directors sent out calls in New York for "hot bitches and fierce guys" to audition for MTV's reality show, Paris Hilton's My New BFF, the assembled horde "looked like Barbie threw up," a witness told Page Six. "All the girls looked like versions of Donatella Versace. They all had bleached blond hair, too-dark tans, and were wearing tight, shiny dresses. All the guys that were there were gay."

A Guy Walks Into a Barr

Roseanne Barr is single but doesn't plan to stay that way. "I went and had vaginal rejuvenation surgery," she told Craig Ferguson last night. " And now I have a vajunior. And I'm not afraid to use it." (Video at HuffPo)

Reports from the Felled

It's a bungle out there. TV correspondents get what the kids call "owned" in this humorous and horrifying compilation.

Mike Who?

Nominations for the MTV Movie Awards will be announced next month, but we already know that Mike Myers will be hosting the show June 1. That'll be interesting because with all his voiceover work lo these many years we're not sure what he looks like anymore. But we're sure he'll do at least part of his hosting duties in a Scottish accent. That never changes.

Is Big Love Reality TV?

Fueled by a 15-year-old girl's claim that she'd had a baby by her 50-year-old husband, over 400 women and children were taken by Child Protection Services from the fundamentalist sect of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints yestereday in West Texas and placed in shelters. Suffering and heartbreak aside, the scandal will be just the ticket ratings-wise for the polygamist drama Big Love when it returns in the fall to HBO, which hasn't been feeling so hot lately. (Video at keyetv)

Harvey Weinstein Is a Tranny Mess

Project Runway, one of cable's biggest hits and the show that discovered the talented and hilarious Christian Siriano, will be moving in the fall from Bravo to Lifetime unless NBC can stop it. NBC Universal, Bravo's parent, is suing the Weinstein Company, Project Runway's parent, saying that Harvey Weinstein promised NBC it would have first refusal rights to future cycles of the series, which Weinstein refused to honor and instead concluded a deal with Lifetime on February 7, while continuing to negotiate with NBC Universal for two more months. Got that? Says the Weinstein lawyer: “We believe that this lawsuit is without merit. While good for the market for lawyers, it is always unfortunate when parties try to win in court what they have lost in the marketplace.” Says the president of Lifetime: "I could not be more excited that Project Runway is coming to Lifetime.” (NY Times)

Walken After Midnight

****ing With the Stars

Chris Crocker made it into a recent episode of South Park. Pretty cool, but in the ensemble of viral stars it's hard to top the Dramatic Gopher.

He's So Sure

RadarOnline is of the opinion that the open-mouth, tongue-involved snogging John Mayer and Perez Hilton performed for a full five minutes at club Stereo in 2006 is probably a lie perpetrated by Ashton Kutcher for his new show Pop Fiction. Although Mayer's rep calls the story "completely ridiculous," Hilton's so sure the kiss happened that he took a lie detector test with a guy from Fox's The Moment of Truth.

Lost and Found

Just because a person dies doesn't mean he can't be in a relationship. That's what two stars of Lost discovered recently. Evangeline Lilly, who plays Kate on the endlessly arcing ABC series, and Dominic Monaghan, who played Charlie until last season, had been lovers since meeting in Hawaii in 2005 – were even possibly engaged – but ended their romance when his character suffered death by drowning. But a source told Star magazine that "they never stopped loving each other. She remained in Hawaii for the show, and he moved back to Los Angeles when he was killed off, so the distance took its toll. They decided to take a break, but it was really hard on them both." Now, it seems, they've realized that "they want to spend the rest of their lives together." (Female First)

But They're Not F*cking

Really, if Jimmy Kimmel's videos get any funnier, only dogs will be able to hear them. Last night he showed the audience a day he had with fairy godmother Richard Simmons. (And no, that's not our tech assistant Steven Sims at the supermarket, in case you were wondering.)

Actors Sold Separately

If you didn't buy any of Britney Spears' wardrobe from her now-somehow-legendary guest appearance on How I Met Your Mother, don't miss out on this other CBS sale. Saturday on the Radford lot in Studio City, everything worn, sat on, thrown, married in, broken, eaten off, or ventriloquized on the soap Passions will be for sale. Nine strange years of stuff.

Wouldn't you like a chance to get a hold of Tabitha's bowl, Vincent's set of He/She costumes or Spike's pimp clothes, or the plastic fish guts that used to cover Kay when she came home from the cannery?

What Ted Sed

On Charlie Rose's PBS show last night, CNN creator Ted Turner said that not taking drastic action now to stop global warming would be "catastrophic." "We'll be eight degrees hotter in not 10 but 30 or 40 years and basically none of the crops will grow. Most of the people will have died and the rest of us will be cannibals." Two flaws in that statement: 1) Instead of "the rest of us," he should have said "people" because he won't be "us" in 30 or 40 years, and 2) everyone knows that appetites lessen in warmer weather. (NewsBusters)

Ambulancing With the Stars

TV ER: American Idol contestant David Cook was taken to the hospital with heart palpitations after last night's live show. And Dancing With the Stars' Derek Hough was taken away on a stretcher yesterday after spraining his neck rehearsing moves with his sister.

Jay Is Dumb

Regarding Jay Leno's unrelenting teasing of Ryan Phillippe on the Tonight show last week, the cliché of heterosexual maleness had this to say in a statement: "In talking about Ryan's first role, I realize that what I said came out wrong. I certainly didn't mean any malice. I agree it was a dumb thing to say, and I apologize." Not enough groveling, Leno. What should happen is Leno should be taken into the greenroom and beaten. Says GLAAD president Neil G Giuliano, "We are proud of Ryan for refusing to participate in Leno's thoughtless attempt at humor. Under the guise of comedy, the talk show host is demonstrating a lack of respect for the gay community and insensitivity to both his co-workers and the audience, to whom he owes an apology." But, Neil, the audience was complicit by busting its collective gut laughing. It is they who owe the apology. (Us; photo NBC)

Back to School

Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas, who penned the pilot for the CW's 90210 spinoff, plans to bring a whole new cast of characters to the zipcode. The pilot’s premise, he says, is about a former graduate of West Beverly who reluctantly returns from the Midwest with wife and two children in tow to become the school’s principal. His mother's a former actress headed back to rehab. The first official cast member is Canadian Dustin Milligan, above, who'll play Ethan, the school's likable star athlete. (TV Watch)

TiVo 911

Pregnant man Thomas Beatie chats with Oprah on Thursday. New Kids on the Block reunite on Friday's Today.

The Jig Is Up

Ashlee Simpson's people are saying she won't be promoting her new album on Saturday Night Live when it drops "because they're dark the week we are here in April and there were no other opportunities later in the year." But word from SNL is that they said no to Daddy-manager Joe Simpson. Not only did she embarrass herself and the show when she was exposed lipsynching back in 2004, but she was reportedly a "pain." (Page Six; photo: INF/GOFF)

Sweet Charity

You can own a piece of TV history and wear it too. Like cake. Britney Spears, you'll recall, wore this crème Nanette Lepore cardigan with blue beaded flowers when she played a receptionist of How I Met Your Mother, above. Now, as promised, this thin-knit cardigan with ruffled 3/4-length sleeves and ruffle bottom, blah blah, along with all her other Mother wardrobe, is being auctioned, we assume for charity. (t/y Cooper)

A Disneyland of the Mind

ANNOUNCER: Hey, Britney, you just scored big acing the role of a receptionist on the low-rated CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother! What are you going to do now?

BRITNEY: I'm going to London play Blanche DuBois in the West End revival of A Streetcar Named Desire, y'all

Wanted: Your Gayest Look

When Ryan Phillippe guested on the Tonight show last week, he gallantly endured Jay Leno's 1950s-style homophobic "humor." Armed with the research that Phillippe had played television's first gay teen on the soap One Life to Live, Leno asked the uncomfortable actor to give his "gayest look" at the camera, pretending it was his lover Billy Boy riding in shirtless from Wyoming. Phillippe threatened to walk off twice. The segment was hard to watch. But something good has come out of this appalling nadir in late-night talk: the My Gayest Look.com site, on which blog readers are encouraged to give their gayest looks at Jay Leno. Like this one. (t/y Beau)

Simon Says

When the BBC turns Simon Doonan's memoir, Nasty: My Family and Other Glamorous Varmints, into a sitcom, he hopes everybody's-first-pick, Oscar-winner Linda Hunt, will play him. "Linda would be great," says the creative director of Barneys, "and she's about my size. I'm just 5-foot-41/2 on my passport." The series, produced by Jon Plowman of The Office and Absolutely Fabulous fame, will be "deranged, wacky and brilliant," says Doonan, and "they might even have me play my own grandmother." (Page Six)

Of Interest

Stage mother Rocky from VH1's I Know My Kid's a Star and Alexis Arquette

Alfred E Chuleta

Hiya. My LATimes collea