Penal Code of Honor

Drudge gets his hands on another penis! This time it's Michael Jackson's.

But what he doesn't mention is where he got that drawing he posted today under the headline GRAPHIC: EARLY MICHAEL JACKSON ACCUSER SKETCHED SEX ORGAN. . . . It's right out of Victor Gutierrez's book, Michael Jackson Was My Lover, which WOW has optioned to make a movie out of and, in fact, the sketch was posted here on the WOW Report on March 7.

Postcard from Cannes #2

This first day of the market was all about ROCK AROUND THE BLOCK! To celebrate, last night the show distributor, Zeal TV, hosted a dinner at this fantastic, very French restaurant called Felix (see photo). Various nets & producers came by to talk Block‚ and everyone just loves, loves, loves the show.

A group of us then ran off to the Martinez Hotel for the official opening of MIPTV. Alas, I must admit to you all that I have not been in tip-top Sandy-party-like-a-rock-star mode, as I have had the most horrendous cold & cough, the worst in years. At dinner, I was told that lots of cognac and cigarettes were a good cure for any flu or cold. Guess what? Wrong! And this morning, Viva la Piha didn't feel so hot.

Nevertheless, WOW continued kicking bum-bum at the convention today. CAMP MICHAEL JACKSON has a huge amount of interest and, as always, every buyer I meet with says the WOW catalogue is like a breath of fresh air.

Must run! Off to some pre-dinner drinks at the Carlton Hotel and hopefully some scandalous activity later?

big besos,
Sandy

[Ed FYI: Camp Michael Jackson is being codirected by Q Allan Brocka, who currently has the gay romantic comedy Eating Out playing in selected theaters.]

Of Interest

Venerated Village Voice gossip Michael Musto just emailed us a head's up, so to speak, saying, "I blow your fine corporation at the end of le column." But of course we knew that because we read le column every week. It's a mention of WOW optioning the Victor Gutierrez book, Michael Jackson Was My Lover. Oh, and Mikey, if you read this, the venerated thing was just for alliterative purposes. Although we do adore and revere you, we still think of you as that teen from Bensonhurst.

Telemondo

What's hot on the box around the globe.

BABY GENIUS
Airing in India is the Challenge of the Child Geniuses or, as it's known over there, Race to See Who Can Grow Up to Become a Successful Doctor/Engineer and Come to America to Save Our Family from Such Wretched Human Conditions. Should be a huge hit.

BYE BYE BIRDIES
The BBC is in production on The Week The Women Went, an experimental series where all 80 women living in the village check out for seven days. The men have to fend for themselves while their mothers, wives, and girlfriends are away. I think this is how Fire Island got its start.

THE OTHER FOOTBALL
In Denmark, 16 computer geeks and stamp collectors will go through a pro soccer bootcamp in the reality series FC Nerds. They will eat, sleep, and breathe the jock life in hopes that they can get into prime shape. And by prime shape, they mean a girl's pants. And by girl's pants, they mean by someone who's not a hooker. And by hooker, they mean blowup doll.

BAD, DANGEROUS, AND THRILLING!
The creepy - yet highly addictive - nightly series The Michael Jackson Trial is scoring sky high ratings for E! and has been sold in Canada, Germany, Netherlands, Sweden, and Denmark. How do you say Jesus Juice in Swedish? Why, Saft Kristus of course!

LOOK OUT FOR
Trappist Punks, a new format that sees young offenders sent to live and work as monks. Worth watching for the title alone!

– Benjamin Buzboi

Tickle Me Jacko

Not the latest toy from Hasbro, but the latest witness testimony from the Santa Maria courthouse. The 24-year-old son of a former housekeeper at Neverland took the stand yesterday and told how Michael Jackson fondled his teeny wienie on three occasions, starting when he was seven. (E! online)

"We were watching cartoons, and [Jackson] just started tickling me, which was cool," the man. . . said of the first alleged molestation, according to the Associated Press. ". . .It eventually moved down to my little private region, I guess. . .around my crotch area." . . . [H]e thought Jackson's move was "weird, but not super weird because you were tickling."

When Jackson tried the reputed tickling trick on him at age 10, while the two were watching TV at Neverland, the man said he no longer thought it funny. "Michael was pretty much behind me, like spooning me, again with the tickling," the man said, per Reuters. "This time it was longer." Jackson reached into the boy's shorts and touched the child's testicles, the man said. The touching and tickling lasted about "two cartoons' worth," the man said, per Reuters.

It's the sort of activity that makes Perez Hilton over at Pagesixsixsix "want to slather Michael Jackson in duck butter and shove his plastic head in the oven so he will just finish melting."

Pretty in Pink

In 1995, the California Legislature reversed the rule that past behavior is not admissible against a defendant, especially when the defendant is accused of domestic violence and child molestation. Therefore, the judge in the current Michael Jackson case has ruled that the jury will be allowed to hear all the past allegations about Jackson, including those concerning Macaulay Culkin and Jordie Chandler and that "grooming" business, where boys were carefully prepared for and craftily eased into the molestation. Allegedly, of course. You may already know this, but we really needed an excuse to run this adorable photo of Mac and Jacko in what appears to have been happier times. Who knows? They sure look happy. (This Is London)

Jackson Gets Booked

Roger Friedman has a story today on Fox411 about the Jackson trial. That's Michael Jackson for those of you who might have just come back from vacation. On Mars. Friedman goes on at length about this and that, Jackson's former publicist, key witnesses blah blah, a book proposal, underage boys blah blah blah, "prior acts," the mother of the boy who received $20 million in '93, judges, attorneys, Jackson's maid, etc, blah blah.

Then he gets to the part about Victor Gutierrez and his book Michael Jackson Was My Lover, the book concerning Jackson's 1993 accuser, Jordie Chandler, that was so hot that the Gloved One took Gutierrez to court. And, oh yes, it's also the book for which World of Wonder has optioned the movie rights.

What's really interesting is that every boy [district attorney Tom] Sneddon would like to paint as a victim of Michael Jackson comes from a book written by Victor Gutierrez.

The book, "Michael Jackson Was My Lover," was not published in the U.S. because Jackson won a libel suit against the author.

Gutierrez's writing is much more pornographic than anything the police say they found at Neverland.

The boys mentioned in the book are actor Macaulay Culkin, Britney Spears choreographer and MTV star Wade Robson, Pepsi commercial actor Jimmy Safechuck and the less well-known Jonathan Spence and Brett Barnes.

Gutierrez, it is rumored, made up a lot of his material after stitching together bits and pieces of speculation from the maid who worked for the Chandlers, the family at the center of the 1993 case.

Sneddon doesn't have a boy who is not named by Gutierrez, or one who has spent any time with Jackson.

The judge himself ruled out testimony about Safechuck and Barnes. Culkin, Robson and Spence categorically deny anything inappropriate ever happened to them at the hands of Jackson.

The most interesting witness allowed by Judge Rodney Melville could be June Chandler. She hasn't seen her son in 11 years, and he hasn't spoken to her or his younger sister in that time.

June Chandler's desperation to appear as a her son's defender and champion on the stand is understood. But she received $1.5 million from Jackson in 1994, and defense attorney Thomas Mesereau could make her feel worse than she already does in his cross-examination.

Ranch Addressing

If Kit Culkin's word means anything, his son, little Macaulay, was never molested by Michael Jackson – surely a load off all our minds. In a single-spaced 40-page letter that came into the possession of Fox News' Roger Friedman (though its intended recipient is not named), Culkin talks about the family innocently falling asleep in a number of innocent locations about the roomy Neverland ranch.

"I never saw or heard anything at all during my early days of knowing Michael to suggest that he was a pedophile," Culkin writes. "My kids never slept with Michael. I need mention this because on the [Martin] Bashir program, Michael admitted that he did sleep with children; and well he may have, but he never slept with mine. Whenever at Neverland, they always had their own quarters, as did their mother and as did I. Michael's bedroom (an enormous room with a fireplace and French doors leading out to a private garden) was almost always an open place to hang out in, as was most all of the rest of the house."

(More)

But this editor never knew Kit was the brother of actress Bonnie Bedelia. Did you?

The Voiceover Sleepover

Today on Popmuse, blogger tells the behind-the-scenes story of when Michael Jackson lent his voice (as John Jay Smith) to the episode of The Simpsons in which Homer meets that large white guy in a mental hospital who thinks he's Michael Jackson. Remember? It's the story Simpsons producer (and Jennifer Tilly's ex-husband) Sam Simon told on Howard Stern yesterday. Jackson had insisted on extra scenes with Bart, including one where he spends the night with the little brat. Then there was that Bart doll that Jackson. . . . Well, he kissed it when he thought no one was looking. Jeezus, Bart's a cartoon! Oh, but of course – Bart never grows up. (More)  

The Basement Tapes

It's murky down in the WOW basement and its walls are covered with punk graffiti. But we braved it to find this clip from a show WOW made for England's Channel 4 in 1995. The show was an hourlong confection called Made in the USA and featured interesting stuff in various American cities, hosted by Laurie Pike This one was about Los Angeles. It had segments about, um, celebrity stalkers, Michael Jackson's gauntlet of protection, and these two comics who, when they were kids, took a ride with Jackson through Disneyland's Pirates of the Caribbean and then drank champagne with him at Club 33. (Watch the clip)

Victor Gutierrez

Author, Michael Jackson Was My Lover

1. Describe yourself as if you were writing a personals ad.
Small, fat, ugly Latino, lots of lawsuits, not good in bed, reporter, needs a good female attorney or publisher.

2. If you had two tickets to paradise, where would you go and who would you take?
I will go to Neverland, not the ranch, take Jacko and leave him there. Or Thailand. Whatever makes him more satisfied.

3. Who plays you in the movie?
It has to be Danny de Vito. Bratt Pitt is little bit lighter than I am.

4. Who do you go to for advice?
If I get a lawsuit, an attorney. The Dalai Lama doesn´t respond to my emails. And I don´t understand what the pope tells me.

5. What makes you cry?
Dust in my eyes.

Thriller

So the book that WOW has optioned, Michael Jackson Was My Lover by Victor Gutierrez, has become a valuable collectors item, according to Jeannette Walls at msnbc.msn, selling on eBay for up to $350. Pretty good for a 217-page paperback. We read the book back in 1997, it's the real deal (hot), misplaced it, got another one recently from the author, and want to show you a page from it (above). “Now that Michael Jackson is back in the news for something other than his music, there’s a lot of interest in that book,” a close follower of the Jackson case tells Walls. “There’s information in there that can’t be found anywhere else.”

For Bidder or for Worse

Yep, there it is. As predicted, Debbie Rowe is offering up on eBay the diamond ring given to her by Michael Jackson on their wedding day a surprising nine years ago. The gaudy one-carat platinum ring is now at $16,100.00. Ms Rowe has apparently approved this copy (emphasis ours):

This is the only wedding ring purchased by the King of Pop, given to Debbie Rowe on their wedding day, November 15th, 1996 in Sydney, Australia. This beautiful ring was given to Debbie and she would love someone to have it who appreciates the beauty and intention in which it was given.

Michael Jackson Was My Amante?

As you might or might not know, World of Wonder has optioned Victor Gutierrez' excellent book, Michael Jackson Was My Lover, the well-documented account (a "secret diary") of Jackson's relationship with his first known accuser and the accuser's family who sued Jackson. The Spanish-language version of the book has an extra chapter not appearing in the US version, all about former Menudo star, Ricky Martin, who was then appearing in the soap General Hospital. Here's a rough-around-the-edges translation of some of that chapter:

Amongst the photographs confiscated by the Police during the raid, the detectives found some of an unidentifiable Hispanic boy. Later they discovered that they were of the singer, and ex-member of the band Menudo, Ricky Martin. Who is now an actor on the North American soap opera "General Hospital". Even though the Photographs of the now actor were taken from magazines & promotional stills. They sufficiently indicate a liking towards the ex member of Menudo.

Continue

Jacko Feels Sicko

The list of possible witnesses read to the 240-member jury pool in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial-of-the-century in Santa Maria sounded like the VIP guest list at some tired nightclub: Elizabeth Taylor, Jay Leno, Quincy Jones, Kobe Bryant, Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross, Chris Tucker, Corey Feldman, Brett Ratner, Nick Carter and his younger brother Aaron, Larry King, Ed Bradley, Deepak Chopra, Uri Geller, David Blaine, Steve Wynn, relatives of Marlon Brando, plus hundreds of others. Even Star Jones wouldn't be interested (but she'd try to get on the list anyway).

But selecting the final jury today has been postponed until the 22nd because frail flower Michael Jackson became ill with the flu en route to court and had to be taken to a local Santa Maria hospital emergency room and promptly admitted. Hmm. Some people here at the WOW offices have had the flu recently, including this editor, and none had to be treated with anything other than over-the-counter geltabs. But it must be difficult getting nasal spray up that tiny nose without surgery. Unless the sudden illness is a stalling move. (Yahoo, My Way)

Don't Stop Til You Get Enough

Louise Brown, a WOW researcher from the London office was in Santa Maria with some other staffers covering the start of the Michael Jackson child-molestation trial. She sent this missive on Tuesday, February 1, but we've only just come across it. It's something to read during this lull in the proceedings.

I got down to the court house just as MJ was arriving and there were only about 100 fans there to greet him. It was a complete change from yesterday's bedlam. I found Emily and she had said that most of her gang were still in bed after a night's vigil at Neverland. I got the sense that most fans had needed the lie-in after Monday. Later I found out that there was a big group at Neverland cheering him on as he left the ranch on his way to court.

So the atmosphere at the court was slightly more subdued. I was inside the court grounds when at about 12 noon all the press started getting itchy and setting up to shoot and I found out that Michael was on his way out and that court was adjourned until Monday. There was a bit of a buzz while all the news crews got set up ready to shoot the departure 2 hours before the scheduled time and also reporters started to record items about this unannounced change of schedule. I was in prime position to see MJ leave court, which was exciting. The Sky News team celebrated once he left and started packing up so they could fly home. So did the other crews. I was a bit dazed, it was over so quick.

Apparently, the Judge had his 250 jury candidates and was sending them home with forms to filll out so jury selection can start Monday. One point to make is that he promises court to be adjourned daily at 2.30pm.

So I was about to wander off to lunch when Emily grabbed me and told me she was driving to Neverland and did I want to go. Duh, silly question. So the two of us drove up to Los Olivos. I had a good talk with her on the way. It's about a half-hour drive through wine country. She's got some good thoughts about the trial and about MJ; she's a good person to keep on side.

Up at Neverland nothing much was happening. There were about 100 fans there just waiting for something to happen. That's apparently what they do, just wait, and wait. The sun was so hot and it was a wierd atmosphere. A lot of "who's the biggest fan" rivalry, but I think that was mainly the heat and the frustration of the day. The mum and daughter from Brighton were there so I got to talk to them more. And Evelie, the filmmaker fan from NY. So we got to chat a bit more too.

The one thing I will say is that a car is definitely mandatory in these parts. There seems to be no public transport and one taxi firm per town. I was getting itchy stuck up in Never(any excitement)Land so Emily and I drove to Solvang for a drink.

Solvang is fantastic, it's like toy town, you expect the gingerbread man to run across the road. It's like a cardboard cut out theme park. When Emily went back to Neverland, I got to walk around and got talking to the owner of the Copenhagan Inn, where the fans are staying and she is good value too. She said that there weren't as many fans in Solvang this time compared to the arraignment, but she's already full during March and is expecting more. She's a good person to talk to.

I had to get a taxi back, which Teri will kill me for but even the driver was interesting. She told me about the time that she collected fans from the court to take them to Neverland and she got invited in with them and she talked about her friends who know Michael and how they
swear he is innocent.

Also the Santa Maria taxi service is basically a husband / wife team and they are brilliant too. They are talking about doing a regular shuttle service between the court, Solvang, and Neverland during the trial. Another example of big business in Santa Maria while the trial is on.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Bob Ranch at the chamber of commerce about getting some of the city officials (police, mayor, etc) involved, so I'm having breakfast with him before getting my flight to LAX.

I walked down to the bowling green today and it really is straight out of a Bush / Cheney promo video, lots of old people whiling their days away on the bowling green / golf course.

Anyway I'm hogging the computer in the lobby and people are starting to huff and puff. I'll probably get time to email you before I fly home. I'm going to hunt for some veggie food in this beef / bbq / fried chicken / burger town.

– Louise Brown

The St. James Version

MONDAY, SANTA MARIA COURTHOUSE – Are you kidding? Of course I came. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Why, it’s ground zero for the most important legal decision of our lifetime! A Scopes Monkey Trial for the 21st century! The themes are epic! The consequences dire! This is big-time stuff, folks. BIG! BIG! Biblical even! This goes way beyond Good versus Evil. We are here to decide if good can even exist in the modern world! Is faith even possible in a forensics-based society? And what about the children? MY GOD, WILL SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

Let’s face it, with Michael Jackson there is very little middle ground. He either represents all that is good in the world, or all that is twisted and evil. Consider the facts. Assume for a minute that he’s innocent. No really. It could happen. If he TRULY IS innocent, if he is who he claims to be, and his heart is pure, and his actions are truly charitable – if he loves God’s children and wants only to do what’s right by them. then, by god, he really is A SAINT AMONG MEN. Praise the Lord and pass the duck butter. If such a man really exists, than there IS goodness in the land, and the meek shall inherit the earth, and hey, maybe unicorns do exist, and world peace is possible.

But if he is guilty – and with a sinking heart we must in all likelihood steel ourselves for that possibility – why then, let the records show that he is truly EVIL INCARNATE. A monster, through and through. And we must therefore question the motives of each and every “good” person on earth and suspect that beneath their altruism lies a darker motivation.

Like I said: SPIRITUAL ENDGAME.

That’s why we’re all here in Santa Maria, California.

The battle lines are drawn. The stakes are high. The outcome, life-altering. THE TENSION IS ALMOST TOO MUCH.

I worry most about the Michael Jackson impersonators. They have the most to lose here. I mean, WHAT HAPPENS when the person you have based your entire life and career upon, suddenly falls from grace? What would you do? Where would you go? What happens on that dark night of the soul when you must admit to yourself that you have based your whole life upon a fraud?

As I wandered through the crowd I spotted Navi, the most famous MJ impersonator in England, and asked him those very questions. Watch the video for his surprising answer.

His support isn't surprising. The majority of people are beyond the beyond. Well, you’ve seen the news footage. The endless parade of fans from around the world. Sobbing psychos from England, France, Japan, Poland, Belgium, and beyond holding homemade signs and flags: “LEAVE HIM ALONE!” “U R THE VICTIM HERE, MICHAEL!” “THE BRIGHTEST STAR IS YOU! “ All of them absolutely convinced of his innocence. Nothing but a sea of absolute fanatics as far as the eye can see, wearing white as a symbol of his purity.

Except.

Except for one old lady, one sad and heroic lady at the edge of the crowd, who just about broke my heart. Her name was Diane and she, alone, held a sign that read “WE BELIEVE AND SUPPORT THE VICTIMS OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE.”

“I was molested as a child,” she told me, “and it’s so important to listen to them.” We talked for a few moments about how hard it was for her to stand there, every day, and be attacked by the Jackson fans.

Just then, somebody threw a rock at her sign. “YOU’RE UNAMERICAN!” screamed the head of the MercyForMichael website. “YOU DON’T REPRESENT AMERICA! HE’S INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY! GET OUT OF HERE!!”

People cheered, and a crowd formed around Diane.

She trembled slightly, but held her ground. Eventually the angry mob moved on.

It was a depressing little scene and I thought about it all day long.

Back in my hotel room that night, there wasn’t much to do, so I decided to bone up on my Rabbinical legends (of course, of course). I discovered an ancient bit of lore that I clasped to my bosom and embraced as fact:

It is said, and thus believed, that at any given time, there are in existence 34 good people on the planet, whose purity keeps God from giving up on us and destroying the world all over again (with floods and Tony Danza talk shows and so forth). There can never be ANY LESS than 34 people – and by God, let’s hope that there are more. So, if any one should die or fall from grace and lapse into unChristian-like behavior, someone else must rise to beatitude to take his place.

I decided that Diane, of course, is one of them. And, as discussed before, Michael WAS, but his purity is being challenged, and therefore the fate of the world hangs in the balance. Yes, with him, goes the world.

(For the record, these are the other 32, as far as I can figure:

3. Oprah
4. Dr. Mathilda Krim
5. Dear Abby
6. Nelson Mandela
8. Rosa Parks
9. Ricky Martin
10. Sister Wendy
11. The old lady from TITANIC
12. Tammy Faye Messner
13. Ty Pennington
14. Matthew Shepard’s mother
15. Desmond Tutu
16. Betty White
17. Joan Embry from the San Diego Zsoo
18. Me
19. Julie Andrews
20. Ben (but not Jerry)
21. Christiaan Amanpour
22. Paul Newman
23. Kermit the Frog
24. Montel
25. Jim Galasso
26. Madeline Albright
27. Todd Oldham
28. Della Reese
29. Maggie Smith
30. Morrissey
31. Doris Day
32. Keanu Reeves
33. Carol Channing
and 34 is a tie between Jai Rodriguez and the Pope)

So now we know: If Michael is found guilty, God will destroy the world. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Stay tuned, as the story continues.

– James St. James

British Intelligence

Go back to your lives!!!

Dear American friends,

Regular readers of British Intelligence (and I have recently learned that this group has grown beyond my immediate family) will know that WOW London takes great delight in pointing out examples of odd behaviour that only Americans can possibly be guilty of.

And indeed, we were so looking forward to adding the antics of Michael Jackson’s screaming fans in Santa Maria to the list.

Now, I happen to like Michael Jackson. He seems a decent, well-meaning sort of chap, and his music is enjoyable. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that he is the victim of gold diggers and, if this is the case, you simply have to feel sorry for him. Of course, he may also be as guilty as sin, in which case, he deserves everything that’s coming. I digress – the point is this: I’m happy to sit here and type that he has my support, at least in so far as he’s innocent until proven guilty.

What has got to me are these nutters that have left their jobs to camp outside the courtroom. What on earth are they thinking?! I wouldn’t do that for a close relative, let alone some pop star. People – send a letter of support or something, but haven’t you got your own lives to lead?

So, I was reading up on the subject, ready to write some haughty Brit-speak about how stupid Americans can be, when I made the startling discovery that some of these wierdos are BRITISH!!! I need an explanation. Something doesn’t compute. I feel… defiled in some way, by this violation of Britishness. Someone must have an answer?

– Brit Brit

Snap!

If the Michael Jackson on the left had remained black, he might have looked now like the 45-year-old on the right. Jury selection for his child-molestation trial begins today in Santa Maria. (courtesy forartist.com)

Semenly Inappropriate

In an item cleverly headed Butter Be Startin' Somethin', the British website Popbitch says that when Michael Jackson's hanging with his special little friends, he refers to semen as "duck butter." (Maybe that's "Duck! Butter!") But why he would even be referring to semen at all when he's around the youngsters is a mystery. It seems inappropriate. Guess we'll have to wait until it comes up in court.

Meanwhile, speaking of court, James St. James thinks he detects that Jacko has got himself a brand new face for court.

Stuff

From Miss Congeniality to Miss America. Sandra Bullock just gave $1 million to the American Red Cross to aid those in need after the tsunami in Southeast Asia. She also gave $1 million after the 9/11 terrorist attack. Give the girl a Wowie.

Here's a goofy picture of Wilmer Valderrama from today's Page Six.

We always knew Milla Jovovich could sing, even before she modeled and acted. And she's still at it. Listen to "Don't Fade Away," courtesy of ohnotheydidn't.

She was previously married to a schoolteacher and he was briefly married to Lisa Marie Presley, Yahoo News says matter-of-factly, regarding the union between Debbie Rowe and Michael Jackson in 1996. Whatever. Debbie's dumping the diamond wedding ring on eBay right after she gets it appraised. All 13.2 carats of it. No word on whether Jackson's putting their two children on the auction site.

Michael Jackson to Tekeste Kahsay: What's the Problem?

An Eritrean man living in Sweden has won a £15,000 lawsuit against a medical tribunal that turned his skin white. Tests taken after Tekeste Kahsay was injured at a sawmill showed he had a potentially fatal liver disease. Pills prescribed for the disease worked wonders on the liver, but altered Kahsay's pigmentation. "I disappeared," he said. "I was a black man inside and a white man outside." Shunning by his community ensued. In an odd sidebar, the doctor who treated him has vacated his practice due to severe psychological problems. (ananova.com)

Backstreet Boy

Jane Carter, mother to pop singers Nick and Aaron, seems to be on television everytime we turn it on, rambling about Aaron, the younger Carter, and his sleep-over at Michael Jackson's house last year. Now Page Six relates what she tells Access Hollywood about the night Backstreet Boy Nick abandoned his tween idol bro Aaron at Jackson's ranch after the 45th birthday party for the, uh, Gloved One, King of Pop, whatever. Seems the 15-year-old had a wild, unsupervised night of "dance lessons" and "riding around." Wink wink.

"I think I remember him saying that he had smoked some marijuana with him or something like that. That was a really wild story he told me, but I don't know if I should believe it or not," Leslie Carter tells [Access]. Just a few months after Aaron spent the night at Neverland, Jackson, 46, was charged with molesting a 13-year-old cancer patient.

After that, Jane Carter says, prosecutors called her and later grilled Aaron about his night at Neverland. But she says she has "no idea" what he told them. ". . .Even if nothing happened, which probably nothing happened, that I know of, it just doesn't look good," she said

Out of the Woodwork

There's all kinds of news about Beyoncé and her many endorsements and merchandise, blah blah blah, but the fact that her new Tommy Hilfiger cologne is based on the aroma of Kellogg's Complete breakfast cereal is really weird to us. Is that with milk?

Roger Bart will have a recurring role on ABC's Desperate Housewives as a pharmacist new to the Wisteria Lane neighborhood. And Cynopsis tells us that Carol Burnett called the producers of ABC's daytime drama All My Children to find out exactly when the riveting storyline (the one that's just put the soap at #1 among the 18-to-49 female demographic) is to conclude so she'll be sure to catch it. Doesn't she have TiVo?

Joseph Bartucci Jr, a 38-year-old Louisiana man who claims to have recovered a repressed memory, has accused Michael Jackson of forcibly blowing him in a limousine and then asking for reciprocation. The NY Daily News reports that the alleged crime occurred 20 years ago, when Bartucci was 18. Bartucci suddenly remembered the assault after seeing a TV show concerning the King of Pop's current assault charges. Bartucci is suing the beleaguered pop star, but at least one legal expert is skeptical of the charges.

. . . Then the Good News

During times of darkness, our spirits are, if not lifted, at least distracted by gossip. Which is why celebrities keep being born (bless you, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, and Prince Harry) and why Popbitch keeps spewing out tidbits like the following, which the WOW Report has condensed somewhat for your convenience.

At a Japanese hotel recently, Elton John checked in as Lillian Lollipop, primarily because it amused him that the staff find it hard to pronounce. At other times, at other inns, he's used the pseudonyms Lord Choc Ice, Lord Elpus, Binky Poodleclip, and Fanny Beaversnatchclit.

Which Desperate Housewives star used to deal drugs to fellow students at college? The star was so successful that they even had business cards printed with a pager number and company name, Little Buddha. (Note sex-neutral pronoun "they" – not necessarily a female.)

Alexander McQueen's dressing room at his fashion show in a low-rent section of Paris featured an all-white decor – sofas, curtains, carpet, et al. When McQueen didn't show up at the start of his show, an assistant eventually found him crawling on the floor of his dressing room, shouting, "Where the fuck is the coke? Who the hell put white carpet in my dressing room!"

What famous rocker, during a video shoot in the late '80s, offered $100 to any member of the crew who would eat his coke-encrusted snot? One actually did but refused the money.

Unreal Estate

Debbie Rowe is saddled with the reputation of once being married to Michael Jackson and of bearing two of his three children (we can only hope artificially). But it's her six dogs that are forcing her to move to larger quarters. The LA Times's Hot Property reports that she's selling her three-bedroom, four-bathroom, Beverly Hills-adjacent house for about $2 million. The house has a 20-foot-high-ceilinged livingroom, fireplace and sauna, and features an outdoor area with a pool, bar, fire pit, and surround-sound speaker system. She's looking to buy a house that is zoned to stable horses so she won't have to travel so far to ride.

Any thoughts? Alimony? Hush money?

No Jackson 4?

In the interest of fairness, we should probably report the Reuters story in which Michael Jackson denies his sperm was successfully inserted into a woman in Florida who is now pregnant with four of his babies. We posted that news from the Daily Mail via Us here four days ago. "This is not true, and we are not going to further comment on stories of this nature," publicist Raymone Bain told Reuters, then went on to further comment that it was not true that Jackson was the father of any children born through a surrogate-mother arrangement. "This is not true. None of this is true," she said. Also, Michael Jackson is not responsible for the death of Oscar-winning director John Schlesinger. (yahoo)

King of Poppas

As Brad and Jennifer (sigh) mourn the miscarriage of their much-wanted baby, Michael Jackson, the world's unlikeliest of fathers, awaits the birth of what can only be called a litter of puppies, reports the Enquirer via the Daily Mail.

It seems that while Jackson was awaiting trial on 10 child-abuse charges, his sperm had no fun outlet so he had some of it artificially inseminated into an actress who wrote a letter to him supporting his claim of innocence. (That's all it takes now to get the King of Pop hot.) She "eagerly" agreed to the procedure when he suggested it, claims a source. The demon seed took hold in May and now the unnamed woman is pregnant with not one, but a number of little Jacksons that will eventually sport untoward names and face bunting. "There were five embryos implanted in her and four took," said the source. They'll be handy backup for when his current offspring, Prince Michael, Paris, and Prince Michael II aka Blanket, are taken away from him.

You Didn't Hear It Here

Brad Pitt has confessed he’s hung like a hamster. When asked if he represented the perfect male specimen, Jennifer Aniston's husband said, "I don't know if that's true," claiming his manhood was nothing to boast about. "I’m hung like a hamster.” [Ed. note: Hamsters lead very active sex lives.]

Michael Jackson has commissioned a fashion designer to create a different outfit for him for every day of his child molestation trial. The star asked Willie Scott, the personal designer to radical Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan (and Prince), to dress him for his court appearances.

Sources claim the 41-year-old Demi Moore and her 26-year-old boyfriend Ashton Kutcher were secretly married while staying at a spiritual kabbalah retreat in Florida last month during the Jewish festival of Passover. Demi’s spokesman, however, insists they have not tied the knot.

Vogue editrix Anna Wintour, who doesn't like lesser staff to speak to her, farts loudly in the Condé Nast ladies' rooms and leaves without washing her hands.

Stuff and Nonsense

It doesn't look good for Michael Jackson, now that we the jury can look at his just-unsealed court papers. Seems Mikey tried it and he liked it. According to thesmokinggun, it's a ten-count felony indictment for the kink of pop.

And speaking of nutty Jacksons and their plastic surgery, here's Cindy Jackson, the woman who famously had herself made over to look like Barbie.

She is quite open about her odyssey for a complete aesthetic overhaul. Facelifts, two nose jobs, three eye operations, a permanent lip enlargement and fat-filling procedure, three chemical peels and a dermabrasion, two breast operations and four liposuctions later, the plain girl from Ohio looks Barbie-pretty - highlighted blonde hair, picture-book profile, sleek limbs, hourglass figure. Deborah Hutton, Vogue Magazine

Enabling.

OK, when you've done all you can with plastic, it's time to move on to rubber. You know what I'm talking about. There's this quick 'n' easy way to create your new best friend in the privacy of your kitchen. That's hot. Or this one. Cloning is so not random.

Q: Why Are Michael Jackson's Underpants Too Tight?

A: Because they're not his. OK, so you might have heard that VH1 is planning an unauthorized biopic on Michael Jackson, from the peak of his success to the pique of his legal nightmares. The channel is currently in preproduction in Canada, casting for Jacksons and key figures in the ungloved star's public and personal life. Showbiz moms take note: There will be roles for juveniles.

But the real, most unauthorized Michael Jackson movie, a full-blown theatrical release, will happen later on, when WOW and Victor Gutierrez collaborate on adapting Gutierrez' book, Michael Jackson Was My Lover: The Secret Diary of Jordie Chandler, an investigative spill-all that was almost too hot to publish. Gutierrez, a modest, soft-spoken man, was in the offices here not long ago, taking meetings and receiving kudos from those who've read the book, which is out of print and as scarce as chickens' teeth (copies sell for $275 to $2000 on the Internet). I once had a copy, and it's well worth whatever you pay for it. Devilish.

From Dewey Webb's Lurid Library review:

After flipping through just a few pages--the photo section alone includes sketches of the Gloved One's genitalia, photos of the "actual bathroom" where alleged sexual transgression took place, as well as snapshots of one of the reputed victim's "shit and urine stain[ed]" underwear--few will argue with the author's dubious claim to fame. [T]his vanity-press sleazefest contains material lifted from a journal reportedly kept by the Jackson-obsessed teenager who received a $20 million payoff in return for dropping a sexual-assault case against the singer a few years back

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Superhot Advance Fashion Tip

The single glove, the surgical mask, the braided jackets, the bandage as accessory. Michael Jackson has always been ahead of the trends. Now CNN has caught Jackson wearing a ski mask in a Wal-Mart and the fashion world holds its collective breath.

"When the officer stopped the vehicle, Michael was the only one with the mask on. He removed it so the officer could see who it was and the officer found there was nothing to it, and that was the end of the story," said Lt. Bill Kimminau of the Glenwood Springs Police Department. "It was a routine call, other than the fact that now it's Michael Jackson."

Next thing you know, Blanket will be the hot new name for newborns.

It Pays to Get in Bed with Jacko

Martin Bashir, the British television journo whose documentary, Living With Michael Jackson, was seen by 27 million people in the United States last year, is said to be on deck to replace Barbara Walters when she leaves (and not a moment too soon) her post on ABC's 20/20 in September. The Guardian UK says the deal could be worth a million bucks to Bashir.

TV executives were not aware of the move until yesterday afternoon, when they were still celebrating Bashir's success at the Royal Television Society's journalism awards on Tuesday. Living with Michael Jackson, an edition of the Tonight programme presented by Bashir, was named programme of the year at the ceremony.

While the Jackson documentary capped Bashir's career, there was a backlash when the singer made his own film that showed Bashir praising his relationship with his children. Jackson launched a legal action that is still outstanding: at the time his spokesman said Jackson felt "betrayed" by Bashir's portrayal. The singer has since been charged with molesting a 12-year-old boy with whom he was shown holding hands in the film.