Just Ask Joey

Dear Joey With the upcoming election I can't help but wonder what would happen if let's say, John McCain dropped dead tonight. Does Obama win by default? Or even worse, does Sarah Palin become the Republican nominee? I need to know, because with less than 24 hours left I am starting to freak. Seriously freak!! Charlie for Change

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Dear Joey I'm a divorced man living the sweet life in Bend, Oregon. My wife cheated on me back in 2004 and because of it I am now living rather large. My whole family still lives in Bend and I spend most of my time with them and my girlfriend Rita. It's a fun life and I wouldn't go out of my way to change it. Two weeks ago I received a random call from my company's competitor about a job opportunity in Pennsylvania. It's a regional management position with a salary and title that is significantly better than my current position. It is obviously a no brainer, but leaving my life here doesn't seem that easy. I will miss my family dearly and things with Rita will probably end, but something keeps telling me to just go and do it. Any suggestions? Stan

Just Ask Joey

[Ed note: Of course, Joey is currently honeymooning in Hawaii with his new bride, the lovely and talented Lindsay, but he left us this letter to post during his absence.]

Dear Joey I am a fan of yours. Your answers always seem a bit off-center, which I like. Often, you pose more than you posit, though that difference is subtle. Anyway, here goes: Sometimes when I enter the men's room in my company's office, I am bowled over by the odor of the previous occupant's dump. I try to hold my breath while I pee, but my lungs just aren't what they used to be. Tell me, is it harmful to breathe fecal-smelling air? Does it carry any disease or toxins? Or is it just lunch? Nostrildamus

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Dear Joey What is the appropriate age for a man to stop wearing tighty whities and switch to boxers? Underwearer

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Dear Joey With all the talk about tear gas at the Democratic Convention last night, I was reminded of the first time I ever got popped with the ol' pepper spray. And although I attended my fair share of protest marches in my youth, it was actually the United States Army that gave me my first taste of the tear gas.

It was during the Chemical and Biological Defense portion of my Basic Training. The training regime requires that a soldier knows how to quickly and effectively don their protective gear and gas mask. And as a way to test a soldier's readiness, the drill sergeants bring the trainees into a sealed chamber filled with CS gas. But it's not until after you've proven that your gear works effectively that the fun really begins. That's when, for some bizarre and unknown reason, the drill sergeants start ordering everyone to remove their masks! I will never forget that experience. The tear gas gets in your lungs and it feels like you are being choked to death by fire. It burns your skin and makes your eyes and nose water profusely. It's disgusting and more than a bit scary. Just as I was about to go into full panic mode, one of the drills grabbed me and pushed me through the exit door. But the fun didn't stop there, oh no. Because waiting for me on the other side of the door was a photographer waiting to take a picture of me looking like death warmed over for the Basic Training Yearbook. A memento of my humiliation.

And I started to wonder. Does the army still employ these types of whacked out training rituals on new recruits? Then I thought, this would be a great question for Just Ask Joey. AGNW

Just Ask Joey

Dear Joey What is the protocol these days with mix tapes (or mix CDs, as is now the custom)? I burned a CD of some of my all-time favorites songs for a good buddy and said, "Listen to this stuff I like when you get a chance." That was like a month ago and he still hasn't said anything about it. Does his saying nothing mean he didn't like the music or he didn't listen to it or what? I wouldn't be insulted if he didn't like it because I know everyone has different tastes, but it was really cool music and we share the same taste in movies. So should I just ask him outright or wait for him to bring it up? Oh, and btw we're not gay, if that's what you're thinking. Burned

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Dear Joey When I climb into bed at night, I like to pop the buds into my ears and set the iPod for one hour of shuffle. I usually fall asleep before the second tune is over, but I can only assume the music continues for another 50 or so minutes. Tell me, is it possible for me to dream while the likes of Dylan, Arcade Fire, and Velvet Underground are competing for the attention of my subconscious? Not Awake Yet

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Dear Joey If I remember correctly, I read on the WOW Report some time ago that you were in the army and fought in Afghanistan, you dear thing. I hope you weren't wounded or otherwise harmed. My question, and I do have one, is this: Since, I assume, you've been in the thick of battle, have you given any thought to how the war in Iraq might be ended so that both those for and against it will be satisfied? Or, since this is the WOW Report, Do you think it's possible for Britney to ever have a comeback? Just Asking

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Dear Joey I completely love your advice and need your help. I'm not a very social person but have taken to having lunch with "the girls" I teach with from time to time. But now, one of the girls has decided that she wants to include the douchebag husband of one of us (uh, not mine). And he's an asshole. He insults everyone. He breathes through his nose when he eats. He snorts. His hair is greasy. I cannot believe that my friend, who is very critical of others, cannot see this. We are 3 or 4 females who want to rant. She invites this dickweed, so we can't rant. ding dang. help. Helpless in Virginia

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Dear Joey I am in a delicate situation. The person I'm directly subordinate to at work has serious issues with personal hygiene. I don’t know if its glandular or cultural, but the man smells like ass, old socks, and garlic humus. In general, he responds angrily to any kind of negative feedback, but I swear I'm going to vomit the next time we are in close quarters, which in his case is anything smaller then Rhode Island. The Scentless Apprentice

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Dear Joey I know you've been in the military, so I was wondering if you have any insider info about the existence of life on other planets and if you ever heard of bona fide UFO sightings that were covered up. Curious

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Dear Joey I'm a terribly famous homosexual "of a certain age" who is MADLY in love with you. Does that excite you? Does that turn you on? If not, what can I do, what can I bring to the table that will make you mine? For instance: I can get you into Moustache Mondays for free, and possibly even score a couple drink tickets. Does that sweeten the pot? Really break it down for me, babe, what I need to do to make you-n-me happen. Fabby von Fab-Fab

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Dear Joey Recently my sex tape hit the web and I don't know what to do. I already have a struggling acting career and feel that this isn't going to help. Am I fucked? Verne (not my real name)

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Dear Joey I recently got into a little bit of trouble with drinking and driving, and one of my punishments was to wear an ankle bracelet called SCRAM. It monitors alcohol levels in your system. So basically I cant have even a sip of alcohol until my sentence is over, which is in about 3 months. Just wondering if you have any suggestions on things i can do in the meantime that do not include drinking. Please HELP! Bored out of my MIND

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Dear Joey Life affirming! Yes, life affirming! This is what comes to mind when I read the WOW Report. It's beautiful words pick me up when I am down and smack me in the face when I am being a grumpy Gus. It takes a lot to win the title of life affirming as I feel not too many things are. The Beatles, freshly cut construction paper, a cool mountain breeze, and now The WOW Report all fall into my category of life affirming.

Unfortunately your column, if you can even call it a column, is far from life affirming. It's cynical Debbie downer bullshit takes my bad days and makes them worse. Have you ever considered getting a real job and stop trashing old folks? I'm not acting, dude. I'm straight and old and I envy the gay/young freedoms. I've considered going gay just to enjoy the freedoms but I am already old. And having people like you (i.e. gays who aren't actually gay but sadly mistaken by some douche bag as gay) put people like me (straight men who are older than dirt) into brackets pains me. I have a life. A straight, affirming, old life that shouldn't be judged by some guy named Joey. What kind of name is Joey anyway? Dissed. Brian

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Dear Joey Hello! I am visitor in your great country. George Bush 4 more year! I want to get and understand the USA and things that happen on 4th of July. My girlfriend Kikuki will be here. I want to show good time. Good American time! Hotdog! Baseball! Fly Fishing! Great American time! I saw John Adams on Home Box Office network and love USA! Could you be my book of Dummies. How to have great American weekend for Dummies. Ha! Oishi Kazihiro

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Dear Joey I first just want to let you know that writing this to you has taken a lot, but I am at the point where I have nowhere else to turn without hanging my head in shame. So being such an avid fan of James St James and the WOW Report I figured this is the best thing to do. Anyway, about a week ago I lost my virginity. I'm twenty years old and even though it was my first time having sex it wasn't my first time with a boy. The sex was great and I will never forget how wonderful it felt. A couple days later I showed up at class and several of my girlfriends were upset and concerned for me. Apparently the boy I slept with isn't who I thought he was. After several days of typical college girl banter I finally came to the realization that my girlfriends were right. The twenty-two-year-old college senior who had plans to take over his father's boating company next spring has turned out to be a thirty-six-year-old insurance salesman. I found this out because he is cousins with one of the guys who lives on my floor. How could his happen!? It felt so wonderful and he was so nice. We danced all night long and he even made me a secret drink that he said only special girls get. I thought I was in love...with a 22-year-old assistant boat sales man named Daryl. Patty

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Dear Joey I started MySpace stalking this boy I thought was really cute. This went on for months until finally I figured out where I could "accidently" bump into him at a concert I found out he would be at (by reading his comments). And since I knew EVERYTHING about him it was easy to find things to talk about. I poured it on thick – playing up how much we have in common (of course I'm not really into any of the same stuff but whatever). Now that we have been seeing each other for awhile my friends think it's weird and that I should come clean, but I think we could be really happy. I can't keep this secret inside but isn't he going to think I'm crazy that I steal his underwear or pick up his used tissues from his wastebasket and save them in a box? Is there ever a good time to tell him that I'm a creepy stalker that tricked him into bed? Stalking in Sunnydale

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Dear Joey People think that my girlfriend is a bad influence on me, but I don't think so. She's been helping me through some rough times but no one sees that. They just end up putting the blame for all my fuck-ups on her. What should I do to make my friends and family see her differently? Los Angeles CA

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Dear Joey I have been seeing my best friend's boyfriend as more than a friend now. We sneak out once in a while and do things "friends" shouldn't do. We have conversations over IM that we shouldn't be having either. I love my best friend and I know that I'm doing something wrong, but I cant help it! And it's weird we do something one day and the next day it's like it never happened. I'm not in love with this kid, at least I don't think so, but I have no idea what to do anymore. My best friend knows nothing about this! I feel bad, but I still like it. Any advice? So-Called Best Friend

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Dear Joey Well it happened again. The third time this month. It was Friday and I was sitting at Applebee's after work as we always do, listening to another one of my co-workers lame stories about her ex-fiance and his demand of getting her pregnant before she turned 23. Not having much interest in the five-year-old story, I turned my attention to the basketball game which played on a small television in the corner. While sitting there enjoying my Bud Light and buffalo wings I was approached by one of the new investments consultants, let's call him Frank. Frank is what Leno would call a "fruit cup" and although I have nothing against him or his sexual orientation, I like to make it openly aware that I am straight. But recently Frank has made several sexual overtures that I have had trouble brushing off. Like the time he grabbed my...well, I will just leave it at that. How do I get Frank to stop making these passes without having to give him a hummer in the men's room? Alex P Keaton

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Dear Joey Over the weekend I decided I wanted to become a cheerleader. I'm 47 and work as a forest ranger in Grand Rapids, Michigan. My whole life has been devoted to botany and it wasn't until six weeks ago that I started to become disgusted with my day to day life. I mean don't get me wrong, being a forest ranger in the great lake state is truly an honor, but lately it just hasn't been up to par.

This morning I quit my job with the United States Forest Service and am now driving 3,000 miles south to Sarasota, Florida, where I will be competing in the 32th Annual Sarasota Amateur Cheer Competition. Is my rash decision-making and obsession with double handsprings out of control? Or is following the path of the universe the right choice? I feel like my brain is flooded with right and wrong choices. Please help me. In the mean time I will be practicing my cradle catch in the courtyard of the Sarasota Holiday Inn.

Cheerful and Fearful

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Dear Joey My family thinks I'm gay. I am planning a trip this weekend to visit my father and stepmother. I have not been shy about my faghaggotry. Why should I? I love fags! However for the last two years as a resident of Corntown, Michigan, I have put dating and getting laid on the back burner. I simply find the pickins of C-town to be red in the neck. How do I approach this delema? My best friends live in Louisianna, and I plan to move there when I'm done with school. My family thinks I'm moving to be with my "gay" lover, when in actuality, we are only friends, and frankly lesbians scare the BeJesus out of me. And even if I was a dyke, shouldn't they be happy for me? They must want me to "get a man" like my sister, who's break ups end in PPO's. Thank you for your wisdom at my time of crisis.

[Name withheld]

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Dear Joey

I slept with my gym teacher last night. I don't know why, I just did. There's just something about 47-year-old women in sweat suits that just does it for me. I mean it was fucking ridiculous. I've never seen a women, or anyone for that matter, bend the way she did. It was crazy. And the stuff she did with her tongue. I'll keep it PG for all your underage readers. Anyway, I'm kind of worried that she might be pregnant. See, normally when I'm doing the nasty I bag it. But this particular situation was a little different. She asked me to go raw, so I did. It was the best sex of my life and I don't have to worry about running the mile this semester in class, but I'm still quite worried. What should I do? I would hate to be the guy who knocked up his gym teacher.

Frantic in Frisco

New Feature! Just Ask Joey

We know him, we love him, we trust him with most of our secrets. So why not, we thought, get Joey Maiocco to share his youthful wisdom in an advice column on the WOW Report. This is the guy who saw battle in Afghanistan, after all, so he eats does-my-boyfriend-really-love-me for breakfast. We start with a letter from a girl in Las Vegas, but we invite you to send your very special, unique, and heartbreaking relationship problems for Joey's analysis to justaskjoey@worldofwonder.net.

Dear Joey,

I'm having trouble with my mom and we have been fighting a lot lately. I feel like she's trying to make me be like my older sister. My mom always had my sister on a pedestal, but all the pressure was really getting to my sister and she got into drugs. They had a big fight and now hardly even speak to each other. I don't want to end up like my sister or disappoint my mom, but she's putting all the pressure on me now to be perfect and great. I'm not sure what I should do.

Venting in Vegas