Where's the Beef?

No beef on board. British Airways has removed beef from its in-flight dinner menu in a tip of the turban to its Hindu passengers. BA, now PC, has replaced the beloved British institution of meat and potatoes with your choice of fish pie or chicken. Or you could just drink. (This Is London)

Bite Me

Check out the new episode of WOW UK's Channel 4 online show, bite. This week, Antonya tries her hand at the trapeze, Ami sets fire to her record player, and Zena almost gets cryogenically frozen. Find out why at www.channel4.com/bite!

– Rachna Suri, producer

Teenage Suicide: Don't Do It

In a phenomenon eerily reminiscent of the 1989 movie Heathers, only much less funny, a 17th teenager has been discovered hanging in the Bridgend area of South Wales. Like many of the other 16 suicide victims, Jenna Parry had her own page on teenage social networking site Bebo. Police will examine this and other websites on her computer for clues, but early indications suggest that there are no immediate links between her death and a known controversial website that advocates suicide. While police maintain that there are no links between the 16 previous suicides in the area, locals fear otherwise. Developing. (Source)

Bite Me

Check out the new episode of WOW UK's online show, bite. This week, Amy proposes marriage, Zena feeds a lemur called Zena, and the Hardcore Romantique love doctors teach the girls how to exercise the main muscles used in romantic interactions!

– Rachna Suri, producer

Bite Me

Have you ever seen a piano being smashed up with a sledgehammer? If not – or even if so – check out this week's new bite and see Ami trashing the place, Zena getting lashtastic, and Amy getting her belly out. It's bellies and bullies on bite!

– Rachna Suri, producer

Bite Me

Get your Lindy Hop on! Dancing like John Travolta doesn't have to be a trial, as Zena finds out in this week's new bite, World of Wonder UK's online show for Channel 4. Hollywood-style Lindy Hop classes are fast becoming the hippest ingredient for London's coolest nights, cos obviously all us Brits really want is to be Yanks. You'll be triple-stepping in no time.

– Rachna Suri, producer

London 2007: The Highs, the Lows

Gee Corbett from World of Wonder's London office writes:

The HIGHS:

The Return of the Spice Girls: Victoria Beckham and her posse of Cavalli-clad pop puppets decided 2007 was going to be their year. The comeback video saw Mel C and Baby looking pissed off as Geri rolled around in nothing but a bra while Posh Spice cocked her legs in gaffer's tape bondage. Scary Spice frolicked around the floor and rubbed her groin. For a bunch of middle-aged, dried-up, vocally challenged, common slags, they sure know how to put on a live show. Posh pointed, Scary roared, Baby bounced, Sporty sported a sports bra and Ginger looked as desperate and uncomfortable as she always did. Thanks for the memories, now fuck off.

Pete’s PA: What was not to love. Plastic surgery masterpiece, pop icon, and generally daft dresser Pete Burns was looking for a PA. Bring on an assorted bunch of Britain’s craziest characters, lock them in a house together, set a few challenges, throw away the key, and wait for them to stab each other in the back. Genius.

Amy Winehouse: Ohhhhh the Winebag, so much talent, so much hair, and so little sense. My mother always told me "Drugs are for Mugs" and she had a point. Britain’s biggest talent may still be top of the charts, while her personal life is what tabloid dreams are made of. Get well soon Wino. WE LOVE YOU.

WOW’s new development team aka The United Nations: When America, Ireland, and Wales collided there was a creative explosion. Many ideas were simply ahead of their time. Jew-swish (Jewish gays doing something camp), Celebrity Death Race (tagline: What could be more tragic than dying to be famous), and Families (broad but brilliant).

Kerry Katona: The ex-Atomic Vomit singer and reality TV car crash gave us the best quote of the year: "Mum said it was sherbet and wiped it all over my mouth – it was speed."

After the jump: The LOWS

Who Gives a Suck?

Well, actually I do, but I liked the line. Struck me yesterday that British people just don't say suck. Sounds odd. Salman Rushdie (he's British really) weighed into the heated debate over Muslim women wearing veils with, "He (Jack Straw, Minister) was expressing an important opinion which is that veils suck – which they do," while David Blunkett, a former Minister, defended his excursions with a much younger blonde by describing himself as a "sucker." This isn't the forum to argue the merits of veil wearing, nor would I like to comment on Blunkett's sucker status (he is many things, and this isn't the one to worry about) but I reckon the language kind of blows.

– Cat McShane

Tim F**king Who?

Alas, the brief, yet entertaining, Henmania at Wimbledon, which sweeps across the nation for usually just 9 days of the year, has been cut short to a mere 96 hours and ended yesterday in great British style. British tennis #1, Tim Henman, was knocked out of the competition faster than you can say loser, but had just enough time to shout out to his fans to "make some more f**king noise. Its f**king Wimbledon!" OK Tim, so why didnt you hit the f**king ball? All British hopes now rest on young Andy Murray, although he too looks like he could also have a bit of a potty-mouth. Henman Hill is dead. Long live Murray's Mount.

– Laura Price

(Photos: Andy Murray, Tim Henman)

You Wear It Well

Prince William's birthday suit is looking pretty good as our young royal turns 23 today. Good enough reason as any to post a shirtless picture of our heir to the throne eh.

May Contain Nuts

Elton John was named this week as Britain's favourite celebrity. To celebrate it was deemed appropriate to erect a pure chocolate statue of him, which went up yesterday. No nibbling allowed. (The Sun)

- Tim Hancock

God Bless Bob

The real, unchocolatey Elton is one of the millions going crazy for Live 8 at the moment – Bob Geldof having decided that the answer to world debt relief is a knees-up with his mates in the centre of London. I was doing quite a good job avoiding the ruckus, until this morning, that is, when my phone beeped and told me that I had won a pair of tickets. I can't even remember entering the draw but, even so, I'm now strolling round the office smugly telling everyone, feeling like Charlie from the Chocolate Factory and counting the days till July 2 when I get to see Mariah Carey, Coldplay, U2 and Sir Paul McCartney. Possibly all on stage at the same time in a big anachronistic nightmare. Today, eBay have even disallowed people auctioning tickets. "It's capitalising on the misery of millions," Geldof moans, but anyway, I'll have to be dead not to turn up.

- Tim Hancock

An Anthem for London

Dear American friends,

The London Underground system, universally known as "The Tube", is famous the world over. It is, after all, the oldest underground train service on the planet. It makes the NY subway look like a startup. And for this, we Brits are rightly proud.

However, what is universally known in London, may not have filtered to the outside world. In short, the Tube sucks. Big time.

It's extortionately expensive (the average Londoner spends around $10 a day), filthy, filthy dirty, has no air conditioning, and is completely unreliable. Delays and breakdowns cost London businesses BILLIONS of pounds a year.

And then the drivers go on strike over pay, even though they earn more than twice the national average wage, meaning you cannot get to work at all, and the guys that run the Tube (we call them "Fat Cats") take home millions in "performance" bonuses each year.

This is not a rant - it's every Londoner's opinion of the Tube. The situation is not a glitch or temporary thing. It's the way it is, always has been and always will be.

So, imagine my delight when I saw this movie. Needs volume. Has strong language. Will become London's very own City anthem. Enjoy.

- Barry Shaverin

(WOW London is indebted to Jeremy Godfrey from inthehouse.co.uk for bringing it to our attention.)

Apprentice UK Update - Return of the Potty Mouth

The Apprentice is building steadily over here. Last night, finally, it was WOW London fave James Max's turn in the spotlight as a "Project Manager".

The task: retail. The two teams each took an area at world famous snooty department store Harrods, and competed to see who could shift the most gear in a day. James' team won. But if they had been deducting points for swearing, he would have been in real trouble. Pity the boy's poor mother, who must have been watching at home from behind her armchair.

And we waved goodbye to arch-villain Adele who, after having faced the chop so many times before, finally got what was coming to her.

Things will hot up from now on - just about everybody left seems to be both likeable and capable. But of course, WOW London is backing Mr Max to go all the f***ing way.

– Barry Shaverin

Tourist Restaurants

"One must have standards"

WOW London can't decide whether he's a proud Londoner, or just a snob. Here's the story.

I had plans to meet a friend the other night for dinner. She's from Scotland, so can be forgiven for not knowing the restaurant "rules" in London.

WOW London blurts into the 'phone, "Sure, just find a restaurant near Oxford Circus and let me know where to meet you". Not a smart idea.

You see, she had chosen a "Tourist Restaurant".

I'm on the way to Oxford Circus, waiting for the call. It comes. Then, the horrifying news. I scream into the 'phone "DON'T ORDER, DON'T ORDER!!!" and break into a sprint. Thoughts race through my mind - What if I'm too late? Will I have to go in? What if my friends see me? I run faster, knocking old ladies from my path...

It was a nightmare scenario. I could see her through the glass, under the neon, wine in hand, cutlery laid out before her, awaiting delivery of her order. I steeled myself, and went in. A Rubicon had been crossed, and I would never be the same again. Oh the shame!

Of course I didn't let on the thoughts that were going through my head. I did the English thing – smiled at everyone, made a few polite comments, and looked through the menu. But I couldn't keep it up for long. It was too much to bear, I could feel a sweat coming on. What to do?

I opted to buy my way out of the situation. Before the food had even arrived, I called for the bill. Everybody stared at me blankly - the Czech waitress, the people at the table next to us (from Canada one side, Spain the other), my Scottish friend. I was alone - a Londoner among tourists. Then the manager was called. He, a Frenchman, also stared in disbelief.

I mumbled something about being in a hurry and smiled. Did they know? Could they see through me? Had I revealed the big secret?

Big secret? Londoners need read no more. But for the rest of you, an explanation:

In your own city, you know which places are good to go, and the places where only tourists go – "Tourist Restaurants". Blissfully unaware of the reputation but impressed by the central location, bright lights and catchy name, they flutter in, wallets first – you know, the whole moth & candle thing. It works. Keeps the tourists out of the places we like to go to. And you can snigger at them as you walk past the window and see them looking blankly at their foul, expensive, tourist food.

In London there are two such chains: A******* ***** *****, and G*********. My friend had chosen G*********.

There are three reasons why these are mostly asterisks:

1. The WOW Report doesn't wanna get sued
2. EVERY Londoner knows what they are just from that clue
3. It would be breaking the code to reveal the secret to non-Londoners. If we did that, not even the tourists would eat there, and then we wouldn't be able to snigger at them.

Sorry, but that's just how it is. But avoid the neon and you won't go too far wrong.

- Barry Shaverin

Worrying Times

Princess Michael - race relations not her strongest area

Dear American friends,

I’m actually rather troubled. Last week, this “delightful gentleman” was jailed for desecrating a Jewish cemetery. Quite right too, for we in Britain cherish our multicultural and tolerant society.

Or so I thought.

In the last month, there has been such an onslaught of anti-Semitism from the upper echelons of society that you could be forgiven for thinking that our aforementioned graveyard-centric friend was merely following the example set by his betters. This recent glut seems to have started with dear Prince Harry who, as previously described on the WOW Report and pretty much everywhere else, attended a party in Nazi regalia. Everyone called for an apology. He refused. Still, his father did ground him for a while, so that’s OK.

Meanwhile, the Labour Party, our esteemed government, were preparing their campaign for the next General Election, expected this summer. Their first shots: posters depicting two senior Jewish members of the main rival party as either very non-kosher flying pigs or as Fagin, an evil Dickensian, anti-Semitic caricature. Apologies trickled out reluctantly, and the posters were withdrawn. Eventually.

Next, London’s upstanding mayor, Ken Livingstone, compares – on record – a reporter he knew to be Jewish to “a German war criminal, a concentration camp guard” for having the audacity to ask him a question as he left a public reception paid for by the London tax payer. Everyone – even Prime Minister Tony Blair – called for an apology. He refused. And keeps refusing.

And at the end of last week, the very royal Princess Michael of Kent takes up the baton. You remember her – she’s that charming lady who told a group of African-American diners in New York that they should “remember the colonies” when they dared to be noisy in the same restaurant as her. In an interview with a German newspaper, she defended Prince Harry’s Nazi costume, explaining that the only reason there was any fuss at all was because of “the ownership structure of the press,” meaning, of course, that the press is owned by Jews.

Now, to my knowledge not one national newspaper in the UK is Jewish owned. But even if every newspaper in the world was owned and run exclusively by rabbis, that would still be an outrageous comment, worthy of the Fuhrer himself. In fact, I think it’s as bad as kicking over headstones.

Sometimes, it’s hard to believe that we are living in the 21st Century, and that we commemorated the liberation of Auschwitz less than a month ago. Still, at least we have the Royals for guidance.

– Barry Shaverin

The Apprentice UK

James Max

WOW London has been excited for months about the UK version of The Apprentice, which starts tonight on BBC2. So excited, in fact, that we just had to check out the contestants on line as soon as they were published. Imagine our surprise when WOW’s old friend James Max popped up.

Max auditioned for one of our own shows – the details of which, sadly, must remain top secret for now – last year. He was a sensational character, and narrowly missed out being our presenter.

Our money is on him to go all the way with Sir Alan Sugar. We’ll keep you posted.

– Barry Shaverin

It's All Kicked Off Over Here

Dear American friends,

I’ve lost count, as I’m sure have you, of the number of time I’ve opened my writings with the words “Dear American friends (DAF), not much happening in Britain today. . ." Well today, DAF, nothing could be further from the truth. The headlines are full of the sort of stuff that our favourite paper, The Sun, can litter with BOLD FACE. As indeed they have.

Where to begin? “With the ROYAL WEDDING” I hear you cry. All the details are out, and littering every front page across the globe. The Sun is covering it on pages 4,5,6,7,8,9,10 AND 11. He went down on one knee. They will honeymoon in Vegas. Kidding. (Wouldn’t that be wonderful if they did?) They will honeymoon in Birkhall, the Scottish estate given to the prince by the Queen Mother. His sons have given their blessing. He’s set up a trust fund for her kids. She will be called the Duchess of Cornwall. Blah blah blah.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy for them. Really. But I just don’t care all that much. I have enough trouble getting excited when people I know get married – why should I want to read pages and pages about people I don’t know? Is that unpatriotic of me?

Now, if you want to know what does excite me, let’s talk about THE BATTLE OF IKEA. Yes, you read that right. The story is that Ikea opened a new store in North London. It’s easy to picture a dull suburban scene. But Ikea, for some strange reason I haven’t yet discovered, decided to open at midnight. They also offered some silly bargains on the first furniture sold. THOUSANDS of people turned up. Whole families went. They queued for up to 18 hours. The store was overwhelmed. People left their cars in the middle of a freeway to get as close as they could. There were stampedes, crushes, and even a stabbing as people fought over flatpack. See the disturbing pictures for yourself.

- Brit Brit aka Barry Shaverin

[Ed. note: Shaverin was the first to report – early yesterday morning – news of the royal nups, but an unfortunate technical mishap deleted it from the WOW Report. Our apologies to all parties.]

Don't Stop Til You Get Enough

Louise Brown, a WOW researcher from the London office was in Santa Maria with some other staffers covering the start of the Michael Jackson child-molestation trial. She sent this missive on Tuesday, February 1, but we've only just come across it. It's something to read during this lull in the proceedings.

So the atmosphere at the court was slightly more subdued. I was inside the court grounds when at about 12 noon all the press started getting itchy and setting up to shoot and I found out that Michael was on his way out and that court was adjourned until Monday. There was a bit of a buzz while all the news crews got set up ready to shoot the departure 2 hours before the scheduled time and also reporters started to record items about this unannounced change of schedule. I was in prime position to see MJ leave court, which was exciting. The Sky News team celebrated once he left and started packing up so they could fly home. So did the other crews. I was a bit dazed, it was over so quick.

Apparently, the Judge had his 250 jury candidates and was sending them home with forms to filll out so jury selection can start Monday. One point to make is that he promises court to be adjourned daily at 2.30pm.

So I was about to wander off to lunch when Emily grabbed me and told me she was driving to Neverland and did I want to go. Duh, silly question. So the two of us drove up to Los Olivos. I had a good talk with her on the way. It's about a half-hour drive through wine country. She's got some good thoughts about the trial and about MJ; she's a good person to keep on side.

Up at Neverland nothing much was happening. There were about 100 fans there just waiting for something to happen. That's apparently what they do, just wait, and wait. The sun was so hot and it was a wierd atmosphere. A lot of "who's the biggest fan" rivalry, but I think that was mainly the heat and the frustration of the day. The mum and daughter from Brighton were there so I got to talk to them more. And Evelie, the filmmaker fan from NY. So we got to chat a bit more too.

The one thing I will say is that a car is definitely mandatory in these parts. There seems to be no public transport and one taxi firm per town. I was getting itchy stuck up in Never(any excitement)Land so Emily and I drove to Solvang for a drink.

Solvang is fantastic, it's like toy town, you expect the gingerbread man to run across the road. It's like a cardboard cut out theme park. When Emily went back to Neverland, I got to walk around and got talking to the owner of the Copenhagan Inn, where the fans are staying and she is good value too. She said that there weren't as many fans in Solvang this time compared to the arraignment, but she's already full during March and is expecting more. She's a good person to talk to.

I had to get a taxi back, which Teri will kill me for but even the driver was interesting. She told me about the time that she collected fans from the court to take them to Neverland and she got invited in with them and she talked about her friends who know Michael and how they
swear he is innocent.

Also the Santa Maria taxi service is basically a husband / wife team and they are brilliant too. They are talking about doing a regular shuttle service between the court, Solvang, and Neverland during the trial. Another example of big business in Santa Maria while the trial is on.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Bob Ranch at the chamber of commerce about getting some of the city officials (police, mayor, etc) involved, so I'm having breakfast with him before getting my flight to LAX.

I walked down to the bowling green today and it really is straight out of a Bush / Cheney promo video, lots of old people whiling their days away on the bowling green / golf course.

Anyway I'm hogging the computer in the lobby and people are starting to huff and puff. I'll probably get time to email you before I fly home. I'm going to hunt for some veggie food in this beef / bbq / fried chicken / burger town.

– Louise Brown

Antiques for Beginners

Dear American friends,

I wrote just a few days ago, almost apologetically, about the weirdo Brits we’ve been sending your way to attend the Jackson trial. From the emails I have received, it seems I am not alone in thinking it unusual that we are sending you strange tourists, and not the other way around. How fortunate then, that today I happened across an event that was to restore my faith in the natural order of things. An event that I simply would not have believed had I not witnessed it myself. It was something that could have been in a movie, and that movie would have been called An American Abroad. OK, so in the movie, the main character would also have been wearing plaid golfing trousers, but everything else was just perfect. Very early this morning, as is my wont, I was perusing the wares for sale at a famous antiques market in Bermondsey, South London, whereupon I overheard the following exchange, between a lady American and one of the more exclusive market traders.

She says (Imagine an accent that was originally Rockaway Beach, tempered by perhaps 10 years in Miami), "“Sir, can you tell me about this?" and” points at a huge and beautiful silver tea service.

“"Certainly Madam," says the trader. "It’s a five-piece, sterling silver, Georgian tea service, 1765.”"

At which point she bellows across to the other side of the market, “"Harry, Harry! You gotta come take a look at this – it’s a sterling Georgian silver tea service, and it’s only seventeen sixty-five!”"

Then she turns to the market trader, purse in hand, and leans forward. She whispers conspiratorially, "Will ya take fifteen?"”

– Barry Shaverin

British Intelligence

Go back to your lives!!!

Dear American friends,

Regular readers of British Intelligence (and I have recently learned that this group has grown beyond my immediate family) will know that WOW London takes great delight in pointing out examples of odd behaviour that only Americans can possibly be guilty of.

And indeed, we were so looking forward to adding the antics of Michael Jackson’s screaming fans in Santa Maria to the list.

Now, I happen to like Michael Jackson. He seems a decent, well-meaning sort of chap, and his music is enjoyable. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that he is the victim of gold diggers and, if this is the case, you simply have to feel sorry for him. Of course, he may also be as guilty as sin, in which case, he deserves everything that’s coming. I digress – the point is this: I’m happy to sit here and type that he has my support, at least in so far as he’s innocent until proven guilty.

What has got to me are these nutters that have left their jobs to camp outside the courtroom. What on earth are they thinking?! I wouldn’t do that for a close relative, let alone some pop star. People – send a letter of support or something, but haven’t you got your own lives to lead?

So, I was reading up on the subject, ready to write some haughty Brit-speak about how stupid Americans can be, when I made the startling discovery that some of these wierdos are BRITISH!!! I need an explanation. Something doesn’t compute. I feel… defiled in some way, by this violation of Britishness. Someone must have an answer?

– Brit Brit

A Sad Tale

Ivan Noble – hero

A more sombre post from WOW London today.

In August 2002, a BBC technology writer called Ivan Noble – an ordinary, young guy by anybody’s standards – was diagnosed with a brain tumour. He decided to blog his experience, explaining that it was a way of coping as much as anything else. Word spread quickly, and within weeks thousands of people were hooked. I was one of them.

We followed his highs and lows throughout his illness and treatment. He’s not a bad writer, and his outlook has been nothing short of inspirational. I looked forward to his postings every few weeks, took delight in his triumphs and actually found myself upset by his setbacks.

Yesterday’s posting was very distressing – he says it is his last. Read the comments from his regular readers and you can see what an effect this has had. The BBC estimate that his readers now number in the millions. And we are heartbroken.

– Barry Shaverin

Depressed? Not us!

Today is the most depressing day of the year. Apparently. Some boffin has come up with a formula that factors in Seasonal Affective Disorder, the cost of all those gifts over Christmas, failed New Year resolutions and so on, to work out that today is the day that people are most depressed, out of all the 365 days of the year.

Well, not WOW London.

And why so much cheer on such a miserable day? Well, we are somewhat buoyed by the knowledge that the weather, for once, is worse in the US than it is in the UK! But, finally, Team America: World Police has arrived in Blighty! WOW London is still giggling over the puerile yet hysterically funny gags. “Jesus T***y F*****g Christ," while blasphemous, was a particular favourite.

It was a shame that a few of the really American gags were lost on an audience of Brits – like Peter Jennings – but they were rolling in the isles at pretty much everything else. We’re wondering what Matt Damon did to upset Trey Parker.

– Barry Shaverin

The Royal Row Continues

We are not amused

I thought you’d be interested to know that the Nazi Prince story has still got long legs over here – lots of press coverage, and the usual surveys about the role of the Royal Family that surface whenever there’s a scandal.

But this seems to be quite unlike other scandals. Ultimately, nobody really cares all that much when Princess Anne’s dog sinks its teeth where it shouldn’t, or when Prince Andrew goes golfing at the taxpayers’ expense, or even whether Prince Charles marries or not. But people are up in arms about Harry’s spectacular gaffe. It defies explanation.

The ex-Duchess of York – “Fergie” – spoke out on his behalf explaining that he was just a young boy, but it just didn’t cut it. Generally, we expect our 20-year-olds to know about the Holocaust, especially when they’ve been at the receiving end of the best education money can buy.

Rightly, the finger has also been pointed at the army of guards, friends, and advisors that surround the Prince. How come none of them thought to advise Harry that he should perhaps choose another costume?

I think I’ve found the answer.

The News of the World (The Sun’s more salacious, Sunday edition) is reporting that Harry’s close friend Guy Pelly was also at the party. You remember him – he was the one that got busted for smoking marijuana with Harry a few years ago. His incredible contribution to the party was to dress as the Queen, stand in front of the assembled and make a rude joke about having sex with her, in front of her grandsons. You can read about it here.

Guy’s upstanding mother, a confidant of the errant Prince, offered this explanation:

"It certainly wasn't disrespectful to dress as the Queen. No more than it would be disrespectful for a white man to dress as a black man. I myself went as a penguin. And you could argue that it was a good thing Harry wore that costume. After all it highlighted the whole debate about Auschwitz—and that's a positive thing, surely."

– Barry Shaverin

Big Bother

Jackie S hits British TV

Dear American friends,

Lots of things afoot in Blighty today.

First up, a story to make your eyes water. Best to read it for yourselves, but I’ll say this: Guys – never, ever say no to a woman from Liverpool.

And then there’s Celebrity Big Brother. You chaps get that too, don’t you? It’s Big Brother (the reality show) but with (Z-list) celebrities. Only this year it has been rather exciting. In the first instance, and nobody knows how, the producers managed to persuade super-intellectual feminist writer Germaine Greer to take part. She walked out after just a few days, branding the show a forum for bullies after seeing how the other players victimised one of their gang.

And then another inmate, Brigitte Nielsen, had rather a shock when they introduced Jackie Stallone, her estranged ex-mother-in-law, to the house. Come to think of it, we all had rather a shock when she walked in.

The tabloids, of course, are having a field day. WOW London’s favourite, The Sun, is running a piece today about how much plastic surgery the inmates have racked up between them, and how much more they really ought to spend. And the remaining celebs, led by the pneumatic Dane herself, are threatening to walk out en masse.

Finally, a correction. I wrote last week that I was bemused by the amount of complaints that the BBC’s showing of Jerry Springer: The Opera was attracting, as a result of the swearing it contained. I said that it wasn’t as if it was full of anything like devil worship. Turns out I was wrong! It was full of devil worship and other blasphemies. Just an unfortunate turn of phrase on my part, I assure you, and not evidence of any supernatural abilities, alas. But the point stands – we say no to censorship, and applaud the BBC for running the show.

– Barry Shaverin

Beeb Tells Sun to &#!$ Off

I shudder to think what would happen to our fine Nation without The Sun to watch over us as moral guardians. Thankfully, they have not faltered in riding into battle with another of our great Institutions, the BBC. The issue? Jerry Springer: The Opera, a play of questionable moral standards!

Some years ago, rival broadcaster ITV screened the original American TV show late at night. It was a hit. Then some genius decided to turn it into a musical stage show. That was an even bigger hit – so big, in fact, that it’s soon to be exported back to the US.

Meanwhile, back to The Sun, the BBC, and the brouhaha. . . The BBC will be screening this “opera” on Saturday night. They have received OVER TWENTY THOUSAND complaints – before it has even been aired! That’s a record. And why? Are there depictions of devil worship, child sacrifices, or other such evils? Er, no. Just a lot of swearwords – 3,168 “f**ks” and, shockingly, 297 “c**ts”. The Sun went for the Beeb’s jugular, and wheeled a giant swear box into the BBC’s HQ.

We at WOW London are against censorship. If you don’t like, don’t watch. It’s an easy concept. But we cannot help but wonder why it is that these words have the power to shock, still. And why The Sun finds them more offensive than the bare breasts that fill their paper most days.

– Barry Shaverin

At Last - It's Over!!!

Dear American friends,

I like a holiday – or “vacation” – as much as the next Brit, but enough is enough already! I had to set the alarm this morning for the same time as I've been going to bed the last couple of weeks, so that I could move the car in time to beat the parking attendants. And you know something? I was pleased! I’ll deal with those vultures any day over carol singers.

The country has finally got off its arse and is moving again. And among the arses now moving, is mine. British Intelligence is back.

To start the new season, and build yet more bridges of understanding between our great nations, I thought I’d let you in on how you guys are sold over here.

It seems America is keen on getting more of us Brits, and the strong pounds in our pockets, over to the US of A, and there has been an ad campaign launched over here. With the tag line “You’ve seen the films, now visit the set” I can’t help but think it sells you guys just a little short. There must be more to America than the Empire State and that needle thing in Washington that I see on TV so much. Email me some suggestions and I’ll see what I can do at this end.

Meanwhile, I did see that movie National Treasure. Can anybody let me know how much of that was a true reflection of US history? People please! I know that there’s no map on the back of the constitution, nor a treasure rescued from the Crusades buried under Trinity Church. But what true bits did they throw in? Is there at least a clock on the back of the $100 bill?

Finally, a personal message to a Dara of New York City, who emailed me with the following Brit-related question: How far is Essex from London?

Essex is, geographically, very close. But in every other aspect, very far. Sort of like Manhattan and Staten Island. This link may help: Essex Girls Explained.

Now, all of you – back to work!

– Brit-Brit

Christmas Warning

A final word to dampen spirits before Christmas, from our old friends at The Sun. They are fulfilling their Christmas duties by warning us of the perils of the festive season. And you all thought it was a time to relax! So here are some of the "hidden dangers" awaiting you, according to the paper:

• Don't overindulge with the Christmas dinner. There are three days worth of calories in the typical Christmas meal.

• Prevent potentially lethal hypothermia. Don't be fooled by that warm feeling inside after a few too many down the pub. Make sure you wrap up warm for the cold walk home.

• Go easy on the sherry trifle, liqueurs and brandy butter. Eating alcoholic food on top of a Christmas tipple can put you over the legal driving limit.

• Make sure all children's gifts from relatives and friends are vetted by parents in advance to prevent accidents.

• If you are away over the festive period, keep any tell-tale signs to a minimum – your Christmas shopping isn't intended for someone you've never met; i.e. a burglar.

• Avoid washing that turkey before cooking it as this just spreads bacteria around the kitchen. More than 10 million turkeys are sold in the UK each Christmas and surveys show that nine million of these are washed before being bunged in the oven.

Seasons greetings all!

– Barry Shaverin

Just Desserts

Seeing as it’s Christmas, and we are (I’m told) supposed to be all cheerful and giving, I thought that I should share with you a small tale that was recounted to me this weekend.

I guarantee that it will make your day and I swear that every detail of this story is true.

My good friend Kevin was driving the week before last through London’s most upper class address, Mayfair’s Berkeley Square. Unfortunately, Kevin was feeling rather unwell – the result of an overly rich meal.

As one should under the circumstances, he pulled over. After he had stopped, he opened the door, leaned out and put a handkerchief to his mouth hoping that, given a few minutes, the feeling would pass.

At that point, a traffic warden appeared and told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was not permitted to stop there. Kevin politely explained that he had come over rather unwell and that, in a few minutes, he would move on.

Any reasonable man would have seen that he was genuinely sick, and said something along the lines of "no problem, take your time." But not this traffic warden. He approached the car, pen and ticket pad in hand, and began writing.

With that, the inevitable happened. I’ll leave the details to your imagination, but suffice it to say it was projectile, and went all over the warden, who actually ran away in shock.

So you see, at Christmas, the Heavens are watching, and miraculous blessings do happen.

There are lots of security cameras in that part of town, and WOW London is assisting Kevin in his search for CCTV footage of the event. If we find it, we’ll post it right here.

– Barry Shaverin

Santa's Face

We may have the wrong man...

Regular readers of British Intelligence (that’s you, Mother) will know that WOW London is not the biggest fan of Christmas. Presents and all are fine, but with Jingle Bells muzak running from October these days in every shop and coffee house, I get a bit fed up with it. I’ve also found that I’m allergic to Christmas trees, and can you guess whose desk is closest to the enormous one in the World of Wonder London office?! One thing about menorahs – they don’t make you sneeze.

But I have always liked Santa. It’s a nice idea – a kind soul who gives to children; an ideal we can all aspire to. And now the BBC is going to ruin this last bastion of good within Christmas. Bah Humbug indeed!

A new BBC documentary, The Real Face of Santa, is set to dig up the real Mr Claus.

In a sacred crypt in the southern Italian town of Bari, the remains of St Nicholas have scarcely been touched in over 1000 years. Now a forensic pathologist from Bari, Professor Francesco Introna, is piecing together historical and forensic clues to reveal new details about the life of Saint Nicholas. With a team of forensic reconstruction experts he uses Saint Nicholas' skull to build a facial reconstruction that reveals his true likeness.

By the way, WOW London, it seems, has earned a new nickname within the world of World of Wonder. Following our posting the other day, all about Britney’s "dog" Bit-bit, emails have been filtering through addressed to a Brit-brit. Felled, once again, by our own sword.

No more Brit in Britney

That's not a real dog!

That’s it. WOW London officially joins the anti-Spears brigade.

WOW London is not ashamed to admit to being a closet Britney fan. It was the pigtails in her first video that probably did it. And we know that she’s done some weird things, perfected being trailer trash and made, shall we say, some rather questionable decisions in her private life.

WOW London was even prepared to overlook the suicide in the bath thing, which was totally irresponsible. At the end of the day, she makes catchy pop songs, and if she chooses to marry a guy who wears wife-beaters, it’s none of our business. It doesn’t stop WOW London humming along to "Toxic."

But, and it’s a huge but, she has gone down, nay plummeted, in WOW London’s estimation this week.

Crime No 1 – a story ran a few days ago, revealing that she took her shoes off on a ‘plane, and her feet were so smelly that other passengers complained. First of all, pop stars are not allowed to smell. It’s just not right. Second, what kind of person gets on a long haul flight without showering first?! WOW London always thinks of fellow passengers’ welfare, and we expect Britney to do the same!

So, with her credibility dented, today’s news story was just the final straw. The London Evening Standard is reporting that La Spears took her new dog (shudderingly named Bit-bit), to a posh restaurant. That’s crime number 2. DOGS DO NOT EAT IN RESTAURANTS, OK?! And then, she buys the dog a steak, cooked by one of America’s top chefs, for $180. ONE FREAKIN’ HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FREAKIN’ DOLLARS!!! I give you, crime number three, your honour, and WOW London runs a strict three and you’re out policy, M’lud!

Dear American friends, don’t get me wrong. WOW London, like all Brits, loves dogs. Even runty little ones like Bit-bit that, strictly speaking, shouldn’t really qualify as proper dogs. And I have no problem with the idea of extravagance – if you can afford it, I don’t care if you spend a million bucks on a steak. But giving a gourmet cooked steak to a dog? It’s just rude.

– Barry Shaverin

English Eccentricities

Pam Ann

A browse at this week’s news makes WOW London proud to be British!

For starters, we take off our hats – and everything else –to salute the British airline Easy Jet.

Some of their pilots have stripped to the "all-together" for a new calendar launched to raise money for the National Society for Epilepsy (NSE), the UK’s leading epilepsy charity. Apparently, the pilots are depicted "hard at work; some are fiddling with knobs in their cockpits, while others are pictured out on the runway in the open air - feeling the breeze."

What impresses WOW London most is that, while most companies would fire any staff that pulled such a stunt, Easy are fully supporting their airmen, even telling the story on their corporate News page.

And while on the subject of aircraft staff, WOW London has come across the eccentric phenomenon of Pam Ann. Comedienne Caroline Reid has created this stand-up routine centred around a character based on the archetypal '60s trolley dolly – the sort with layers of makeup and a perma-grin. Rumour has it that she’s so funny that the jet-set (including WOW’s old friend Dame Elton) are actually hiring her to cater on board their private jets!

And returning to the ground, a BBC headline caught WOW London’s eye. The back story is this: Madonna (who is now a landed English country Lady, dontchaknow) has been battling the rambling associations over access to her land. This will kill you Americans – in England, members of the public have a "constitutional" right to roam anywhere in the countryside, even if the land they want to roam on is privately owned! So Madonna, being an American at heart, was a little surprised and upset to find these weirdos walking through her (1,132-acre) garden, and absolutely outraged to find out that she could do nothing about it!

Not one to take things lying down, she set about ousting these unwelcome oiks. She won too – a loophole allowed her to exclude the ramblers on the grounds that, because they hold pheasant shoots on the land, the ramblers were at risk of being injured.

But – and the funny bit of this report – it was the BBC version of the story that tickled WOW London – "Ramblers have been banned from pop star Madonna's country estate for half the year because of the risk of being shot." It conjures up a completely different image.

– Barry Shaverin

Hmmm

Saint Beckham and associates

Dear American friends,

WOW London has, from time to time, visited your fine country. We’ve been impressed by many things on our sojourns, but one thing has stood out – the religious tolerance of the American people during the festive season. OK, so we’ve only ever been to NY and LA, but the image of the Christmas tree and the menorah together in every municipal building in celebration of "Chrismukkah" made quite an impact.

So it with a certain sense of national shame that we write about religious insensitivity in the UK.

There is currently a big hoo-ha surrounding Madame Tussaud’s (London’s most successful tourist attraction) latest display – a nativity scene with David Beckham and Posh Spice as Joseph and Mary. For many, of course, these two are saints in their own right, but to Christians the whole thing is kind of insulting. Maybe they have a point. One unidentified "young man" certainly thought so, as the London Evening Standard is reporting. He ran in, destroyed poor Becks, and ran off. A few observers are wondering why he didn’t take out "wise men" George W and Tony while he was at it, but that’s another story.

Meanwhile, WOW London was wandering the London Underground at the weekend, and noticed a Liberty (swanky London department store) advertisement letting us know that they are selling chocolate Buddha figures for Christmas. Forgive us, for we know even less about Buddhism than we do about Christianity, but isn’t eating deities a little insensitive? Can you see them selling a chocolate Christ or a marzipan Moses? WOW London doubts it.

– Barry Shaverin

Britain Follows America from Time to Time

Dear American friends,

For years, decades, even centuries, we Brits have, I’m sorry to tell you, been rather critical of many American ways. We have looked down on the way you drive cars that burn as much oil as a small country. We turn up our noses at the way the few Americans that actually venture out of your country always seem to wear loud, chequered golfing trousers. We are aghast at the fact that you vote for movie stars and … ahem… "other unsuitables" for top political office. The Janet Jackson breast thing had the whole of Europe in stitches. And your chocolate, let me tell you, is lousy.

But most of all, we have totally disapproved of your obsession with guns, the right to bear arms, and the right to gun down with a hand-cannon anyone that dares to venture into your home. But today, Britain is asking whether that’s such bad idea. Here’s what’s going on.

The law here allows a home-owner to use – and I quote – "reasonable force" to protect their home from an intruder. The theory is that, even if a man is inside your home, and robbing you, he still has rights – his life is worth more than your DVD player.

The problem is that nobody really knows just how much force is reasonable these days, particularly when it seems that the kid who wants your DVD player is highly likely to kill you if you get in his way.

Now the Tories of all people want us to follow the American example – you break into someone else’s house, and you leave your rights at the door. Or window. I for one, can’t say I disapprove.

On a lighter note, I must draw your attention to an error in a previous post. I recommended Persephone N Hades’ blog – "True Tales of an Infamous Courtesan" – and provided an out-of-date link. I’m happy to correct that – this is the correct address. The yarmulke / diaphragm story at the top is just too funny.

Filthy Canadians!

Canada - so near, yet in many ways so far.

What is the world coming to?! Now, we at WOW London, as Europeans, are not shocked by the odd breast or two. Unlike our dear American friends. But even we were horrified to read of recent events in CANADA of all places.

Ananova is reporting that an over-exuberant "hockey-mom" celebrated her son’s team’s win by "lifting her top well above her breasts… and shaking them side to side." The other parents at the match, where the average age of the players was 11, were horrified, as you can imagine.

WOW London cannot help but wonder just how the woman’s son felt. The mere thought sends shivers down the spine.

– Barry Shaverin

A Very British Scandal

David & Kimberly, in happier times

Dear American Friends,

I hear that there was some kerfuffle over your side of the pond involving a basketball player. Apparently it was all over the news. Well guess what? It didn’t make the news over here. Not at all. I only heard about it because an American friend emailed to ask what the British take on it was. "On what?" I asked. "Ya know – the basketball thing," he replied. "What basketball thing?" And so the dialogue went on. He refused even to believe that I hadn’t heard of the player, or the team for that matter, let alone about the incident.

So, it dawned on me that maybe stuff that’s big news here, may not be big news in America. So let me tell you about the political scandal that’s all over our front pages right now. It’s like a story from a soap opera. And guess what? The villain of the piece is an American!

So, here it is in a nutshell. David Blunkett is the Home Secretary – sort of our version of Colin Powell. He’s generally well liked and respected – he manages to do one of the most demanding jobs in politics despite being blind. He is reputed to have one of those "formidable intellects" that politicians are always banging on about.

But he’s sort of screwed up. In a big way.

He had – wait for it – an affair... with a married woman... an American married woman, Kimberly Quinn. They had a child together, with another one (paternity tbc) on the way. And then she dumped him for, er, her husband, a millionaire banker. Blunkett wanted access to the child/ren that was/were his. She wouldn’t give it. She liked the idea of one of those "fresh starts" that women tend to go for – you know, the ones where you get a sudden amnesty from everything bad you’ve done before, and have no responsibilities whatsoever to anyone else.

Now here’s the really ironic bit – there’s a political pressure group in the UK called Fathers For Justice, who fight for men who can’t get access to their children. And guess what? Blunkett has been at loggerheads with them for years! Not any more, apparently – they have offered to champion his cause.

Hope I’m not losing you, ‘cos this is where it gets really interesting.

When they were together, Evilamericanwoman asked Homesecretarylover for a teeny, tiny favour – "Darling, my Filipina nanny can’t get a British passport, and it’s ever so tiresome. Do you think you might be able to pull a few harmless strings at the (Home) Office?" And he was only too happy to oblige. The passport arrived, as if by magic, 19 days later – a record by anybody’s standards.

Now, WOW London doesn’t have a problem with this – we all do favours we shouldn’t for our friends at work. But you don’t expect that person to knife you with the same favour when you fall out. The venerable Mrs Quinn sees things differently – so incensed was she that Mr Blunkett might want to see his own child, that she threatened to go public with the nanny/passport story, kindly offering DB a choice between his offspring and his career. He went for it, and the scandal now known as Nannygate began. It’s just hit the courts – you can follow the rest for yourselves as it happens.

Now that beats a basketball fracas hands down if you ask me.

– Barry Shaverin

A Glimpse Into the Blogosphere

Proof at last that bloggers haven’t been wasting time.

WOW London is delighted to draw your attention to the not-so-geeky BBC News, and their report that the term "blog" has been chosen as the top word of 2004 by US dictionary publisher Merriam-Webster. The word headed the list of most looked-up terms on its site during the last 12 months.

And according to blog analysis firm Technorati, the number of blogs in existence, the blogosphere, has doubled every five-and-a-half months for the last 18 months. Technorati now estimates that the number of blogs in existence has exceeded 4.8 million!

So in honour of these impressive numbers, WOW London thought we’d draw your attention to a couple of noteworthy new ones – personal favourites, if you will:

MC Rebbe’s blog caught our attention partly because he opens with the words "Shalom Muthaf***er." Oxymoron, certainly; Rabbi, surely not? But if he is, I’ll bet his congregation don’t evacuate en masse (mea culpa) when he gives a sermon on the high holy days.

And on another, completely unrelated note, I’m rather hopeful that the story of Persephone N. Hades, the nom de plume of New York’s number one Internet Courtesan, will prove a worthy replacement for the now discontinued and much-missed blog by Belle De Jour, a lady of the same profession.

So there you are. WOW London loves to read about foul-mouthed rabbis and hookers.

– Barry Shaverin

What Thanksgiving Means to Me

It seems that even in London there’s no escape from Thanksgiving. Last night, my favourite restaurant was "closed for a private party" – expat Americans eating turkey. Harrumph!

Then my email in-box this morning had more than a handful of out-of-office auto-replies from World of Wonder colleagues and other Americans gloating that they will not be at their desks until next week. Grrr!

The only light relief, an email from my sister on vacation in LA, asking me why all of a sudden she can’t get a taxi, or food, or anything else. That actually cheered me up rather a lot. I took great pleasure in telling her that she’s totally screwed until Monday, just in time for her flight home.

You see, dear Americans, we Brits don’t actually know what Thanksgiving is about. Even Americanophiles like myself have no idea. I have asked a few American friends, and the best they can come up with is "something to do with pilgrims, Native Americans, and turkeys." Any enlightenment will be gratefully received.

Sure I’d like to know the history. But most of all I want to know why you guys are at home stuffing your faces, AND I’M STUCK AT WORK!!!

But whatever the meaning, and despite our obvious vacation envy, WOW London wish you all a happy Thanksgiving.

-- Barry Shaverin

Dolphins Kick Ass

England. Still boring.

But New Zealand, now that’s a happening place. Especially if you’re a dolphin.

BBC News is reporting that a group of swimmers – human ones – were being menaced by a three-metre great white shark (that’s, like, the size of an SUV) in deep water way off shore. But just as the swimmers came to terms with the idea that their number was up, Jaws-style, the cavalry arrived: A pod of dolphins appeared from nowhere, herded the people together, and circled them until the shark retreated. Then everyone made it safely to shore. Seems this is not uncommon, that dolphins have a propensity towards "helping the helpless."

Attention dolphins everywhere: WOW London salutes you!

-- Barry Shaverin

Saint's Alive!

How he may have looked

WOW London trawled the British press this morning for UK-centric stories to surprise, amaze, or disgust our American readers. But to be frank, there wasn’t a lot to report. The UK is officially boring today.

But strange things are afoot in India.

Ananova is reporting that Hindus Riot After Saint Fails to Die . I figured it was a play on words or something. But no – that’s exactly what happened. "Followers of a Hindu saint rioted in eastern India after he failed to die at the anointed time," the story begins. Apparently, more than 15,000 people turned up at the Sriguru Ashram at Kharagaon in Orissa to see the priest ascend to heaven between 6AM and noon, following his declaration a few days earlier that he would attain ichha mrityu, or death by his own will. When no ascending occurred, the crowd hurled abuse and turned violent.

The saint told local reporters: "Perhaps the will of God was somewhat different. I am very shocked to have given you so much pain. I wanted to leave my mortal body, but I could not. Please forgive me."

It has to be said, it does sound like something you’d go to see. WOW London is trying to imagine the moment when he opened his eyes and had to convey his excuses to the crowd.

-- Barry Shaverin