September 3, 2008
The St James Version
Here are my thoughts on last night's 90210:
1. Rich-boy Ty Cobb, or Ty Collins or WHATEVER – definitely gay. Oh yeah. Big time. GAYGAYGAY. You heard it here first. I can smell the homo on that one, wafting down Sunset! And that HAIRDO! That is some SILLY-ASS SHIT! Obviously, the kind of hair some bougie studio executive THINKS a rich boy would have. In fact, that’s one of my chief problems with the show, in general. I don’t think anyone connected with the show has ever met a rich Beverly Hills brat, or been to a high school full of rich kids. The girls all looked like Sherman Oaks mall rats and the boys all looked like Jersey douchebags. Somebody please do a little recon to give the show some authenticity.
2. As for the alleged hotties in the cast, well there ain’t much to go on…. Black Brandon is totally too vanilla… Slutty heartthrob Ethan is hotter than the ads make him out to be, but still sort of "junior gigalo" for my tastes (it’s all in the eyebrows)… Persian slacker Navid has cute bangs but a weird underbite.... Then, as the barrel bottoms out, there’s that uberblonde gay porn-star type (who made out with Naomi at the Pit) who MIGHT do in a pinch, but I’d have to have done A LOT of poppers and crystal meth to go there. Which only leaves the quirky, blinky goofball teacher, Mr Matthews, to take up the mantle of hottest humpmokey in the cast… And old guys who shake are a tough sell in today's youth-oriented market. TRUST ME.
3. And FINALLY, Naomi Clark… groan. Why does every show have to have the obligatory teenage girl who looks 45? She’s HORRIBLE! And TACKY! Those clunky Coco Canal knock-off earrings, MY GOD! PUH-LEEZ! Would someone PLEASE just bring Pat Field in for a consultation with wardrobe for this girl, ASAP! I just don’t know if I can continue watching this tanjy-ass shit.
– James St James
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