Just Ask Joey

Dear Joey Hello! I am visitor in your great country. George Bush 4 more year! I want to get and understand the USA and things that happen on 4th of July. My girlfriend Kikuki will be here. I want to show good time. Good American time! Hotdog! Baseball! Fly Fishing! Great American time! I saw John Adams on Home Box Office network and love USA! Could you be my book of Dummies. How to have great American weekend for Dummies. Ha! Oishi Kazihiro

Dear Oishi To experience the 4th in all of its glory you will need a few supplies: 1) A case of domestic beer, like Budweiser, Miller, or STEELE RESERVE; 2) meat to GRILL; sparklers, and only sparklers – I don’t want to see you getting hurt; and, finally, 4) some patriotic SWAG. Maybe a flag in the front yard, or an American-flag beer coozie, just something that lets others know that despite the fact that you are from another country, you love America just as much, nay, more than them.

You will need to wake up early and rip into the case of beer as quickly as possible. Now I know what you’re thinking: "Joey, a case? That’s a lot of beer, I better take it slow…." But on the contrary, you’ll need to kill five of those right out the gate – liquid freedom. Next, you’ll fire up that grill and just take in all that is America. Our founding fathers would be proud of today’s America, including John Adams from HBO. Well, that’s really Paul Giamatti, not the real John Adams; the real John Adams would be pissed at today’s America – a crippling economy with imperialistic ideals that completely strays from the country he once knew; but whatever, right? As long as those pesky terrorists don’t win.

Just keep killing those brews and the sense of freedom will just sink in, as well as the overwhelming taste of metal. (That’s if you’re drinking Steele Reserve). Let me know how it goes. Joey Maiocco

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