June 23, 2008
Just Ask Joey
Dear Joey I started MySpace stalking this boy I thought was really cute. This went on for months until finally I figured out where I could "accidently" bump into him at a concert I found out he would be at (by reading his comments). And since I knew EVERYTHING about him it was easy to find things to talk about. I poured it on thick – playing up how much we have in common (of course I'm not really into any of the same stuff but whatever). Now that we have been seeing each other for awhile my friends think it's weird and that I should come clean, but I think we could be really happy. I can't keep this secret inside but isn't he going to think I'm crazy that I steal his underwear or pick up his used tissues from his wastebasket and save them in a box? Is there ever a good time to tell him that I'm a creepy stalker that tricked him into bed? Stalking in Sunnydale
Dear Stalking I think you should tell him, but you should wait. The perfect time would be on your deathbed, like the guy who, as he was dying, admitted to killing Brian Jones (one of the original Rolling Stones). This way you can get it off your chest and no one will really care because you’ll be dead soon. I can imagine your very gargly sounding confession: “I love you, but when we met, I was actually stalking you off that site, MySpace, and all the things you liked I pretended to like. Ummm, yeah, I’m gonna die now...ehhhhhhh (death rattle).” Granted, you’ll have to marry this guy and grow old with him, and when you tell him this he’ll realize that the foundation of your relationship – and really his entire life – was a lie, but who cares, right, cause he’s CUTE. Then your family will eventually find out that their loving mother was really a crazed stalker who simply wanted to get a piece, and then you’re a stalker and a bit of a tramp. So the only way to save face now is just to bottle it up inside and slowly let it out through various avenues, ie, creepy cat posters, spinster living, and the growing knowledge that you are the reason restraining orders were created. Joey Maiocco
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