November 26, 2007
Lost in Translation – and Japan in General
I, Videogame's supervising producer Jim Eckels writes:
Because World of Wonder's show formerly known as I, Videogame is airing on Wednesday nights on the Discovery Channel at 8:00 (am I plugging it shamelessly?), I was asked to write a blog entry…or a blurb. I’m not really sure what you kids call it these days. Just so you know, the show is now called Rise of the Videogame for Discovery US’s purposes. But before it began airing here in the United States at 8:00 on Discovery US (shameless), it was airing all over the world in those international hotbeds of video game technology (video game is actually two words) like French Guiana, Lichtenstein, and Middle-earth (just testing you!). And to get to those countries, our production had to shoot in Japan first (great segue, Jim!).
So of course they sent me. The master of international travel. Up to that point, I had been to Cozumel, Mexico, once for Spring Break while in college and had four years of high-school Spanish under my linguistic belt. Though I've lived in in Los Angeles for nine years, I have yet to visit Big Bear, Palm Springs, or even the La Brea Tar Pits. I have been to The Body Shop on Sunset. I have a terrible sense of direction and still don‘t know where or what Sepulveda is or where it leads. Regardless, World of Wonder bought me a ticket, slung a camera over my shoulder, and filled my suitcase (more of a trash bag really) with 1,400,000 yen in cash. I was to meet up with Fenton and some bald, photographical genius named David Kempner in Tokyo. Notice how there was no insult before Fenton’s name ‘cause he writes the checks.
To avoid appearing long-winded (too late!), I will bullet point my discoveries in Japan after the jump:
• They do not speak English at the Narita airport. No matter how many times Jordan Ruden insists they do.
• Japanese people are polite and respectful, until you get on the wrong train. I thought I was personally about to pay for WWII.
• On trains, no one uses their cell phones, and they always set them to “manner mode” (silent). I obliged both rules and still smelled like McDonald's.
• If you are lost in a train station, even for four hours, no one will help you. This is because you are sweating, out of breath, and look like you are probably carrying a knife.
• Even with 1,400,000 yen in cash, a camera, and white pasty skin, customs will not ask what you are doing in Japan. Perhaps they realized I was no threat to anyone but myself and hoped I would get mugged.
• The crime rate is very low in Japan. Surprisingly, I was not mugged.
• The Yakuza is the organized crime unit of Japan. It’s older than the Sicilian mafia. Fenton thought it would be fun to “find the yakuza.” If you look closely, you’ll notice that Fenton has no arms.
• There are very few homeless people in Japan, and they do not speak to the rest of society. They spoke to me because they know failure.
• You can order noodles through high-tech vending machines, but the food is cooked in old-school Japanese kitchens just inside the restaurant. I don’t know why the chefs laughed at me while I ate, but I try not to think about that.
• Many glass doors open like something out of Star Trek, but you have to press the black sensor with your fingers first. This took me more time to master than I would like to admit.
• Japan is built on many unwritten social laws that everyone follows. One is not to walk while smoking. Unable to remember this rule, I found myself running from an angry Japanese lynch mob.
• Japanese does not sound the same coming out of a gaijin’s mouth. Every time I tried to say “thank you” or “excuse me” in Japanese, they laughed at me. Every time I told a joke, they didn’t.
• “Kawaii” means “cute” in Japanese. “Kowai” means “scary.” Do not confuse them. For some reason, “Hello, scary woman” isn’t charming…or cute.
• In addition, Japanese women are not drawn to blonde gaijin with glasses. This is something people tell you so you’ll embarrass yourself.
• The toilet seats are heated, vibrate, play music, and offer a fake flushing sound to be activated only in the most dire of circumstances. The last feature saves water and embarrassment.
• In a Japanese toy store, everything moves, vibrates, barks, or cries. After four hours, they speak in Japanese…and I obeyed.
• The Japanese often cross their arms to form an “X” when speaking to foreigners. I think this is some anti-gaijin crucifix and the only way to ward off white vampires.
• Lost in Translation was correct. You feel like a ghost. I, however, didn’t have Scarlett Johansson to keep me company…nor to spend a number of sexually charged days only to chase her down on the streets of Tokyo, whisper something inaudible in her ear, and then settle for a half-assed kiss I might have given my sister. What gives, Bill?
• In the right light, David Kempner looks like Scarlett Johansson and Fenton looks like Bill Murray.
• Summer camp is not the only place that finds you lying alone in bed, wishing you could go home.
• The Japanese do not wear shoes when entering a classic Japanese room because only “the dead” do that. Now it’s the dead and me.
• There is a restaurant called Ninja House in Tokyo. It’s like Medieval Times with ninjas. They serve, among other things, “Ninja Balls.” Even I was embarrassed.
• Godzilla and Space Invaders are not the same thing and cannot be metaphorically linked together no matter how much Discovery International executives wish this to be so. One is a monster. One is a video game. Tomohiro Nishikado (creator of Space Invaders) told me so.
• Puck-Man (called Pac-Man in the US) was created for women to play video games. This is because women like to eat. A lot. Toru Iwatani (creator of Puck-Man) told me so.
• Shabuya Square is even cooler than it looks in Lost in Translation…I thought I was in a video game.
• And finally. Please visit Japan. They will be nice to you as long as you don’t act like a barbarian and quote Adam Sandler movies. They like Gwen Stefani. And they do a lot of things better than we do.
– Jim Eckels
Related entries:
- Rise of the Video Game: Tonight at 8PM on the Discovery Channel,...
- Rise of the Video Game: Tonight at 8PM on the Discovery Channel,...
- Rise of the Video Game: Tonight at 8PM on the Discovery Channel,...
