August 6, 2007
The Jackie Woodman Why LA Sucks Contest Winners
Thanks to everyone who entered. Congratulations and The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman collectible flasks to winners Harry Redlich and Phil Tarley, whose entries appear, respectively, after the jump.
LA Sucks
Because when you see that guy with the dreadlocks coming out of the Kinkos on Vine and Selma, you just know he was in there making copies of some song he wrote. And you just know he charged up all his credit cards to pay some skankbag greaseball "producer" to record his song. And you know that soon he'll be going back home with the shame of credit card debt, a bunch of bad tattoos, and the memory of meeting JC Chavez one day at Carneys.
LA Sucks because of bad, gargantuan apartment buildings with hallways that smell like old cheese and socks. It sucks because they buried the trolley car tracks under the center of Santa Monica Boulevard to make way for more lanes of cars. LA sucks because you come here with a dream in your misguided heart and you leave with the memory of a string of temp jobs, the most striking of which was meeting the girls in the accounting department at Disney, who slaved away adding up Jeffrey Katzenberg's expense reports from the Georges Cinq in Paris, while their eyes go bad under the poor fluorescent lighting.
LA sucks because you get old really fast and have to watch the fresh crops arrive every year and you know they're experiencing it all for the first time and you know where they're headed. You know their youth and their wide-eyed enthusiasm is the fuel that keeps the whole machine going, and like dry kindling, it flames up in a millisecond and then it's gone. Poof.
LA sucks because it's 3 in the afternoon and the sun is blinding and that should feel so good but it's just a cold, hard slap in the face because you've already been to the Coffee Bean twice and worked out and checked off the Ten Things I Need to Do to Get My Career Going, and you just don't know what to do next, but you should do something and it's so beautiful outside with the sun and all but you don't know WHAT to do and maybe you should just go take a walk to the newsstand on Fairfax. But you already stopped there on your way back from the second Coffee Bean run, and the Old Man is starting to eye you funny. But THAT SUN, THAT SUN just beats in through your windows like some sort of never-ending rebuke.
– Harry Redlich
L.A. SUCKS BECAUSE...
Because L.A. is not New York.
Because L.A. isn't Paris, Rome, London, Madrid or Buenos Aires.
Because there is no Dean & Deluca.
And you can't get a Bialey in L.A.
Beacause you can't get any decent Pizza, either.
And because great wine is greatly expensive.
Because most people have never left the country except to go to, or come from, Mexico.
And the only second language spoken is very bad Spanish.
Because the street people in L.A. are not glamorous.
Because Los Angeles is a segregated city.
And there is no multi-culti mix.
Because lip moisturizer is really important.
And no one can find Darfur on a map.
And Washington (you have to say) D.C. is so far, far away.
– Phil Tarley
Related entries:
- Jackie Woodman Lightens Up: You already know that the WOW-produced The...
- Late Night with Jackie Woodman: We sure hope you're watching The Minor...
- Further Accomplishments: Tonight, on the latest episode of The...
- Shameless Plug: The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman is...
- Shameless Plug: "It's the funny little non sequiturs that...
