March 22, 2006
The St. James Version: Addressed to Kill Edition
AN OPEN LETTER TO NATASHA BEDINGFIELD
Dear Miss Bedingfield,
I will not be reading your book, thank you very much. It was kind of you to offer but, frankly, you have some credibility issues with me, and your powers of description are suspect, at best. I’m referring to THAT SONG here, Natasha. That song that plays on every station, every other song, that makes me want to disembowel you, yes, Natasha, just rip your innards out and jump up and down on them until I’ve stomped away every last trace of you. Sorry.
While I have your attention, though, there’s something that I need to ask you, for my own piece of mind: Which is it, Natasha? Is it SUNNY or is it RAINING? Because you can’t have it both ways, dear. You can’t LET THE SUN ILLUMINATE YOUR FACE and then, FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN in the next breath. Well, you can I suppose. It’s your song. You can say whatever the hell you want. But was that all, then? Maybe there was a snowstorm you forgot to mention? And a heatwave? WERE THERE FLAMING BALLS OF HAIL YOU WANTED TO TELL US ABOUT, NATASHA?
As a writer who sometimes suffers from logic gaps himself, I understand: You were trying to explain earthy, tactile pleasures – rain, sun, wind – and it’s all the same glorious feeling to you, eh, Natasha? But to the casual listener who hears it 397 times a day, every day, rain or shine (see how that works?), well, it can drive you to distraction if you let it.
It’s like that black fly in the Chardonnay who was thoroughly and maddeningly unironic – unless, of course, there was something about him that we didn’t know, like he was an alcoholic fly or he once worked in a vineyard as a teen, and always loved the smell of wine, OH I DON’T KNOW. Point is, these kinds of things stop me from enjoying the song because I keep trying to imagine possible scenarios that might explain away the inconsistencies.
Which brings us back to you: Why ARE your windows so dirty, Natasha. What’s REALLY going on here? Are you just out of Windex? Because you can use ANY surface cleaner, you know, if you’re too poor to afford Windex. Are you too poor, dear? Or infirm? MY GOD, are you UNABLE to wash those windows? ARE YOU TRAPPED INSIDE? Was it childhood polio that has left you HOUSEBOUND and BEDRIDDEN until the FREAKY, CLOUDLESS STORM, with its sun and rain, made you realize you needed to maybe get out a little more, and pay more attention to what’s going on around you?
The rest may still be unwritten, my dear, but perhaps in your case, it would be better to hold off on writing this book until you can tell us the WHOLE story, instead of these DEEPLY UNSATISFYING half-truths, false memories and trite clichés. You have to be honest with the reader, Natasha, if you want your book to sell. If there is something dark and troubling that has you locked in a house and lying in filth – don’t tell me what a lovely day it is. Cut the rainbows and "can-do" crap.
If Elio Gonzales wrote a book about “the lovely ocean waves lapping against his skin” or Patty Hearst wrote HER book about “the nostalgic smell of cedar and mothballs in an old closet” – well. nobody would buy those books, now, would they?
Until you’re ready to tell your readers about the father who beats you and keeps you chained to the wall, keep it to yourself and get the hell off my car stereo.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
– James St James
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Comments
-- RC ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://worldofwonder.net/nav-commenters.gif)
| March 22, 2006 2:14 PM
Oh my. Now, I remember reading in a certain book someone saying, "never dish anyone in print" (does the internet count????). I suppose only if you print it out, huh. BUT, this seems like a, uh.... a contradiction! OR at the very least, "inconsistent." As inconsistent as a sunny rain storm. The song, however, does suck. I can say that. I never said I couldn't.
-- dicknixon | March 22, 2006 2:22 PM
isn't she british?
I LOVE THIS SONG. i'm glad it's finally taking off, because i've been singing it at my desk for the past 4 months.
and wasn't her brother the one who did that awesome other song, gotta get thru this?
-- moye | March 22, 2006 2:26 PM
omigod it's SO GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK. god bless you and your internet provider.
-- campbloodbuzz | March 22, 2006 2:41 PM
Moye, "Black fly in Chardonnay" is a lyric from that lovely and fair Canadian songstress Alanis Morissette.
-- RC | March 22, 2006 2:48 PM
As for that insipid song, I totally agree! It sucks! I must say, I think your taste in music is definitely improving! Kudos, darling!
-- BLC | March 22, 2006 2:50 PM
RC, for some reason, i thought you were also referring to natasha.
y'all are a bunch of haters.
-- moye | March 22, 2006 3:21 PM
AND that dumb ass song put an end to that basketball bimbettes dream of American Idol stardom....
So James, does this mena we'll here from you lots more often now?? ME HOPES SOOOOO!!
<3
-- UrethraFranklin | March 22, 2006 4:35 PM
Love the song...and while I recognize that JSJ was going for humor here, in Natasha's defense, she never actually instructs the listener to experience the rain and sun simultaneously, leaving the listener free to experience the sun when it's sunny and the rain when it's wet...I'm just saying...
-- shaun | March 23, 2006 8:00 AM
James i am in agreement with you that the song is a pothetic excuse for logicness. It is my best frineds favirote song. OMG when she told me that i was like fucking kill me now. She made me listion to it and the 2 of us are going on a road trip and that little song might have to be baned from the car. She might not be happy about that but oh well it is going to have to happen. And for all of you that love it i am so sorry.
-- sugarplumb | March 23, 2006 8:15 AM
I KNOW I did NOT just forget both my sign-in AND my password! It has been WAY too long since my last comment. OMG, that totally reminds me- forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been 10 YEARS since my last confession and honey you don't have enough time to listen to all that shit! I, for one, have NO CLUE what song you are talking about. There is one Bedingfield song that I do like. I sincerely hope it is not that one. No, I will not hum a bar- I can't remember how it goes. But James is right. Sometimes you just have to let it all out. Just lash out and really let someone have it. You go, James, let her have it. Kick her where it hurts.
-- jsj | March 23, 2006 10:28 AM
OMG!!! jsj!!! i have missed you dear...how are you?? whats up?? and honey if you havent heard that song EVER, consider your self the luckiest hefer on the planet!!!
MWAH!!! <3
-- UrethraFranklin | March 23, 2006 3:01 PM
jsj????!!!! Yeah! missed you. Hows that GAP gig going for you?
~teehee~
-- BrightGreenHeadwear | March 24, 2006 2:05 AM
^^^^^Is this who i THINK it is??
BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Lime St. Lime?? giddy giddy gooooooooooo
-- UrethraFranklin | March 24, 2006 4:46 AM
BrightGreenHeadwear- Well, at least it's not Bright Green Headgear. Now, darling, THAT would be tragic. BTW, do I know you? I don't recall ever seeing you around here. Oh, and yes, BTW your new name is TheBGH. It's so much more, well, TODAY. For the record, I do not nor have I EVER worked for the GAP or any of its subsidiaries. But thanks for the concern. Keep in touch- *MWAH*
Urethra- Why hello, darling, how ARE you! Why it's been AGES! Too bad Rooster folded. Oh well. How has life been? Have you moved back to New Orleans? And what ever happened to your school? Please update me. I think of you often. I'd better be going. I have a thing later and I need to prep.;) Tata for now...
-- jsj | March 24, 2006 11:58 AM
Yes, I have called an end to my WOW boycott. I have mourned the loss of our beloved Roo, I'm picking up the pieces and movin through the net with confidence once again.
Someone needs to shake this place up!!! Its like a fucking tumble weed collection bin in here!!
WTF?
Come on James, pull the Poodle out of your pocket and lets get this party started!!
Oh and jsj.... so does this mean you cant get me a discount??
-- BrightGreenHeadwear | March 24, 2006 1:37 PM
^^^^ LOL--i KNEW it was you!!!! :)
jsj--yes im back in NOLA...happy to be home, but YIKES!! things are just DIFFERENT! and depending on where you are at the moment things may seem normal, or they may seem utterly devastating...the French Quarter is actually the MOST NORMAL place!! AMAZING isnt it...the den of debauchery was UNPHASED--LOL!!! My school...oh dear...lets see...i dont recall the last time i updated you so...the annex building that i taught in had the roof blown off and rain damage that actually flooded the entire school...but of course the roof comes off of my building over my classroom but on the second floor....so my classroom was one of the most damaged...lost LOTS of materials and furniture...10 classrooms have been squeezed into the main building...we have classes in every nook, cranny, and closet available!! The latest that i have heard (thru the grapevine) is that FEMA will require us to physically move our classes into portables and teach out of those before they actually pay for the repairs to the annex building *sighs* so we are facing another year of bullshit OUT OF OUR CLASSROOMS!!! Im inclined to believe this becasue no work has been done on our building yet. AND just to put things into perspective...as i drove to school yesterday, there was a crew on the roof of the Superdome making repairs...so we can see that the priorities in this town still havent changed one bit!! the LOSER football team always gets the goods before education does!! oh and the price gouging is insane--housing is so scarce and so many people need a place to live that rent is thru the roof--mine has already gone up once and is about to sky rocket when i resign in about 2 months.
OH BUT!!! i did have a blast at MARDI GRAS!!! woots!!!
if you send me your email ill send you pics/ or do i have it already--i dont remember
melchauv@hotmail.com
anyhoo i know where robert is...you know where anne is?? we can have this comment section BOOMING in no time!!!
<3
-- UrethraFranklin | March 24, 2006 4:42 PM
Let's see... I suspected it earlier, but I didn't think you'd change your name. But with the new netstyle and all, I can understand. TheBGH must be Machinegun Shelly. I do know where Anne is, but I don't know if she's on here or not. BTW, what DID happen to Robert? He's been AWOL for quite some time now. Of course you have my email, darling. If you need it again, let me know. Cheers, honey!
-- jsj | March 26, 2006 1:08 PM
Man, signing in is a drag... Yes sweetie, its me. BGH sounds like a designer drug... We do need to get this sucker rolling. It can only inspire James. Now where in the Hell is James?
Whats going on here? Does he want us, or his his new thing Myspace. ~which of course I am boycotting, for the fact that its only a matter of time till someone is stalked and killed~
-- BrightGreenHeadwear | March 28, 2006 1:54 AM
James, I LOVE YOU! Natasha also drives me absolutely stark raving kerazee when she talks about having "no hyperbole to hide behind" in her song "These Words". She pronounces is Hyper-Bowl (kinda like Super Bowl I guess, except bigger and maybe in space). FOR GOD'S SAKE WOMAN look up the pronunication!!!! GRRRRR.
However, if you think she's bad, ya ain't heard nothing until you've heard her borther Daniel. When he sings he sounds like someone who on steroids for nasal issues. Too too gruesome for words.
-- DJALEXANDRA | May 3, 2006 5:02 PM
"It’s like that black fly in the Chardonnay who was thoroughly and maddeningly unironic – unless, of course, there was something about him that we didn’t know, like he was an alcoholic fly or he once worked in a vineyard as a teen, and always loved the smell of wine..."
She was just a little mixed up because they don't have irony in Canada.