February 28, 2006
Another Roadside Attraction
They say that the devil is in the details. But sometimes he's in the underbrush by the side of the highway. And sometimes he's not wearing pants. Which is the case here in this clip from the early '90s that was considered for possible inclusion in a WOW pilot for HBO called TV Man. The footage is totally authentic: A reporter in a news chopper flying over a Southern California interstate happened to spot this guy in a winged devil costume picking up trash and tugging at his boner. At least we think it's a costume. (Watch out)
This 'n' That
We hear that Carrie Fisher showed up drunk on the set of Fanboys the other day, but showing up drunk to a set's not unusual. It's unusual when stars come to work sober. We hear. We're just saying. We also hear that Factory Girl director, George Hickenlooper, was arrested recently for decking a guy in Shreveport Baton Rouge Louisiana who was putting the moves on his girlfriend or "girlfriend" or girl friend. Maybe there was alcohol involved. We don't know. That's all the information we have. If you care, you can do your own followup. Teamwork, people. Oh, and speaking of Factory Girl, it appears that Bob Dylan will not be a character in the Edie Sedgwick biopic since it's not allowed or legal or kosher or nice to portray his likeness in a fictional production. We hear.
The Basement Tapes
If Abraham Lincoln had lived, would he be a circuit queen today? That's kind of the idea we get from this Electric 6 video for "Gay Bar," the song used in WOW's 2004 VH1 TV show, Totally Gay, which examined pretty much everything that's gay, although somehow there was still some gay left over for last year's sequel, Totally Gayer. (And btw, the Electric 6 guys are performing at The Casbah in San Diego on March 8.)
Eating Is Fundamental
Okay, while I do have tons of work today, I'd like to remind everyone that today is NATIONAL PANCAKE DAY.
Pancakes are the best. And according to Steven Corfe, it's because of Fat Tuesday or Shrove Tuesday, when all the wee Brits throw the remaining food from their larders into a giant pancake to eat before they starve themselves for Lent. Whatever. They said it's for Jesus Christ but I think they're just trying to lose the extra weight. Plus, why would you ever really want to do that? Don't British people eat things like fish & chips and mincemeat pies and puddings and treacle tarts and salted mackerel and scones? Why would you ever want to put that in a huge pancake? That sounds so gross. (And I clearly read too many Harry Potter books.)
But everyone should all go their local IHOP for FREE PANCAKES!!!!* (Don't forget to read the small print.)
– Moye Ishimoto
__________________
*FREE PANCAKES entitles one guest a free short stack of pancakes until 3:00pm, with a suggested donation to their literacy charity or some BS like that. Reading is so overrated.
Snaps!
Seriously, soon you'll be able to tell them apart only by looking at their pooches. And that's not a euphemism. (Photos via Hollywood Rag)
Star Light, Star Blight
"Star Jones writing a book about finding the ideal husband is like Anderson Cooper listing the best ways to score with hot chicks," writes WOW friend Daniel Kusner in his "Star Crossed" story in the Dallas Voice. "Something just doesn’t sound right." Star's book, of course, is Shine: A Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Journey to Finding Love. Kusner points out that in the book Star refuses to divulge how she miraculously lost 150 pounds, but doesn't spare the details of what makes up her ideal man: He must be Christian, college educated, no criminal background, Democrat, and marriage-ready. No mention of sexual history though. Also in Shine, a seven-page test allows readers to gauge their own ideal man, taking into consideration spirituality, physique, marital history, political affiliation, drug use, and crime records, but nothing about relationships with bisexual or closeted men. So Kusner got Star on the phone:
Some folks are especially interested in your relationship with Al. During your whirlwind romance, he issued a carefully worded statement about both of your personal histories.
You know what, Daniel? I’m going be really honest with you. I’m trying really hard not to find offense in your questions, but I think you’re being really insulting to me and to my husband. And I think you’ll understand if I won’t allow that. I’m very protective of myself and my husband and our families and our friends. And I think it’s really not good journalism, and more importantly not fair for you to insinuate or in any way insult my marriage. It’s not fair.
What’s so insulting about asking about Al’s press release?
You’ll understand, Daniel, that I’m going to end this interview unless you’d like to talk about something else. This is not something I’m interested in discussing with you.
Right now this is probably the most glaringly obvious issue I can think of.
Well, it’s not glaringly obvious to me. And quite frankly, Daniel … Thank you, I appreciate your time. [And Star hung up].
(Full story and phone conversation)
(Star Jones Reynolds is one busy lady!)
(Lady Bunny is one Bunny Lady!)
Sick Shift
They're calling this the car of the future at the Wonder Festival in Japan but we're wondering where you put the dog, the kids, and the groceries. Where do you hang the parking pass? Where's the radio? The headlights? How do you see behind you? And though the vehicle looks ideal for parking in tiny spaces, it seems to go no faster than a wheelchair and is partial to spinning, so we're thinking work out the kinks or call it a toy. (Watch)
Wake-Up Calls
• Mr McBeth returns to teaching position as Miss McBeth despite parents' cries of Out, out, damned spot!
• Satellite of hate: CBS's Les Moonves sues Howard Stern for $500 million.
• .345 and rising: Man passes out in home with near surgical-anesthesia blood-alcohol level.
• Dark victory: Dutch discover chocolate lowers blood pressure.
• Now almost identical, Paris and Nicole reunite for new Simple Life.
• Jaws: Grandmother saves friend from being eaten by 14-foot crocodile, gets award.
• Three little phishes in a big pond get caught.
• What does this mean, girl? Lindsay Lohan retires to Wilmer Valdrrama's hotel room after night of partying.
• Christian Democratic Party in Australia proposes smoking ban in cars.
• Oh, the irony: Bird flu kills cat in Germany.
• Four little pigs: Woman gang-raped by Disney workers.
• Pete and repeat: Doherty strikes again. Again.
Deep Goat
You can donate a goat to an African village for only 24 quid if you go to Oxfam's website. But think twice about it. Mr Tonke, of Sudan, was caught having sex with one, and it didn't even belong to him. So the village elders forced him to marry the animal. What gets my goat (I'm sorry) is that there are far too many arranged marriages as it is in the developing world. And it seems that Oxfam hasn't even considered the moral implications of people having sex with animals who don't fancy it. The website tells us "even the kids can get involved." Now hang on.
– Donal Coonan
Gone In 60 Seconds...RIP
Life's a little sadder and cars a little less clean this morning with the news that an obsessive car thief has been killed in an auto accident. Colin Sadd (yes, really) lived to steal new cars from showrooms under the pretext of taking an expensive model for a test drive, only to leave them abandoned BUT much cleaner having taken them through a car wash and given them an EXTRA wax and polish!
– Adam Perry
February 27, 2006
Sitings
• Of course, we think this is all of them right here on one site. But that's wishful thinking. Get these out of the way and rest your brain before there's an onslaught of fresh Brokeback Mountain trailer parodies to slog through. (via agendainc)
• Psycho Path and Farfrompoopen Road. Street names only a surveyor would believe. (Technically not a site, but t/y Jason)
• It's Gumby, dammit! The SELK'BAG is a sleeping bag that you wear like a claustrophobic-but-chic full-body straightjacket. (via Gizmodo)
Addressed to Kill
Dear World of Wonder,
Yeah, well. I've been meaning to email WOW for a long time now, so now I'm emailing you.
Firstly, thank you, World of Wonder, for existing. If you didn't exist, there wouldn't be a WOW Report, or a St. James version, or Party Monster, and I would feel empty and I would probably have died by now. Don't take that seriously. No, wait. DO take that seriously, because it's probably true.
And THANK YOU, whoever is reading this email, for being part of World of Wonder. You are obviously cool because you work at WOW. And WOW is cool. And there aren't many really crazily cool things in America. They're very limited, in fact! So. Yeah. Thank you for being cool.
Thank you, World of Wonder, for being so intelligent and brilliant and amazing. Intelligence is very limited, as well as Crazy-Coolness. Thank you so fucking much for creating the WOW Report, which is the first website I visit when I open Safari on my computer. Now, see, I'm a Live-Journal addict. And you come before Live Journal. That means I love you.
Yes, yes. I love WOW! I love WOW! (Notice the increase in excitement as I keep writing this. I am jumping around: "I love WOW! I love WOW!")
So whoever is still reading this, please tell everyone that a little WOW fan named Shoy loves them. Because I do! I love everyone at WOW. Probably.
Love love love,
Your (probably) one and only 12-year-old fan, Shoy.
The Cool Hunter's Looking for Cool Hunters
A new TV show, The Cool Hunters (a kind of 60 Minutes for people with 60-second attention spans), now in preproduction, is coolly looking for cool people around the world to report cool trends and news to the world from around the world. If you'd like a chance to become a big TV star like Ryan Seacrest, Martha Quinn, or Sway, go here and check it out. Time's up, gotta go.
Shelf Life: Monstrosity
Kimora Lee, or the Wife of Rap, as she would have been known in Canterbury, has a book out called Fabulosity, or How to Keep My Name up in Your Grill, as it would have been known back in the day when "fabulosity" was old even before it got old. Randy Barbato, like us, can't stop looking at the cover of the book, out now from Judith Regan ("big surprise," says Randy).
The book's subtitle, What It Is and How to Get It, must have fascinated Katie Couric, who's all about perkiosity, and was totally ready to trade notes with Lee on the Today show, which Lee guested on this morning at 8:45. "The segment seemed pretty much content-free," says Fenton. "When pressed by Katie to define fabulosity, she said 'Fabulosity is about being fabulous.'" You can't start early enough – the segment features makeovers on a 12-year-old called Jasmine (the year that Kimora started in the modeling business). One tip to gaining fabulosity: Smile a lot."
"Kimora stressed to Katie that "fabulosity comes from the inside," notes Randy, "then proceeded to do fashion make-overs on two plain Janes. Fabulous!" Well, that's because Kimmy says that being fabulous on the outside can be fun too. (Watchosity)
Of Interest
Stacey Snider, exiting chairman of Universal Pictures, and Bonnie Hammer, exec at SciFi Channel and USA Network, rumored to replace Snider
The Halls of IV
Is it just us or is Grey's Anatomy's Meredith the whiniest, most self-centered bitch to hit the cathode tube since Maddie on Moonlighting? But less sympathetic. Just because she's got her name in the title doesn't mean it's all about her all the time. She makes Cristina seem like Sandy Duncan. And her treatment of lovable George was inexcusable. Frankly, we're rooting for McDreamy to renew his marriage vows with Addison and dump Meredith for good and really give her something to whine about. Not that she needs an excuse. Oh, and that nurse who was spreading syph among the interns is Olivia, played by Sarah Utterback, and the writers like her so much they keep coming up with excuses to work her into episodes.
Briefs Encounters
American Undies by Steverino, from yet another enjoyable Photoshop project at Worth1000.
Dancing with the Stars...of David
Gawker today has this dazzling clip of a Hasidic teen in Brooklyn rocking out like Michael Jackson on too much Mogan David. Shame we can't see his punim.
Of Interest
Lisa Dancing with the Stars Rinna and Kelly Weird Science LeBrock. Don't hate them because they're beautiful.
Toilet Seats Lifted
I was talking with my mother, who lives in Rome, over the weekend and she told me about the shortage of toilet seats in Italy. The details were sketchy, but the basic idea was that every public bathroom in Italy is missing its toilet seat. It's not that they never had them; it's that they seem to have been stolen. Every last one. Apparently there's a large black market for stolen used toilet seats in Italy. I'm not sure what this means, but I suspect it has something to do with all the coffee that is consumed there, or possibly they are made out of some really nice Italian marble. Either way, my interest is piqued.
– Tom Wolf
Recently Dead
Don Knotts died Friday of pulmonary and respiratory illness at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. He was 81. Barney should be allowed now to use that bullet, don't you think?
Wake-Up Calls
• Sleepy? Get a load of this new Pepsi product.
• Christian drag queen tops weekend box office.
• Code not all it's cracked up to be: Authors sue Dan Brown for plagiarism.
• Careless sister: A wonky George Michael arrested on unfit-to-drive charges, "de-arrested," then re-arrested for substance possession. (More)
• Celebrity shocker: Hollywood star has praise for Bush!
• Thieves haul priceless art out of museum while city sambas.
• What does it mean if a man shops for boutique groceries in West Hollywood on a Sunday with another man? What if it's Ryan Seacrest?
• He coulda kilt someone: Bush unable to ride bike, wave, and talk at same time, say Scots. Or run country, say we.
• Shiny and new: The designer vagina is the new boob job. Hymenoplasty allows women to become 40-year-old virgins.
• Nose candy brings sweet rewards: Kate Moss riding new salary high.
Blondes Had More Cavemen
Proving once and for all that blondes are not so dumb is a new study on the evolution of hair colour by a clever Canadian. Turns out that a man shortage about 10,000 years ago in chilly northern Europe provoked women to develop blonde hair and blue eyes in order to stand out from the crowd of your common old brunette and snag a man. The brunettes had to develop the smarts to survive, while the blondes stayed in the cave with their feet up. Luckily, over the years women discovered that flashing their tits was also a good way of attracting interest, and then the world invented Tesco, which sorted out the whole hunting-for-food thing too.
– Cat McShane
February 24, 2006
C'est Ce Bone
RE the post on the AWOL whippet that's keeping an army of pet psychics busy rubbing their crystal balls, did you know that the missing dog – Champion Bohem C'est La Vie – is the sister of Showdog Moms & Dads star Champion Bohem's Ooh La La (above), better known as Oohla the Brother Humper?
And the similarities don't end there. Oohla's owners, the irrepressable George and Connie Boulton, ALSO hired a pet psychic. They were heading to Philadelphia for the National Dog Show, and wanted to find out if Oohla was finally going to get the last few points she needed to make her a champion. Unfortunately, all the pet psychic could come up with is that Oohla liked having "balls in her mouth." Hopefully C'est La Vie's owners will come up with something a little more constructive.
– Chris May
[Chris was a field producer on Showdog Moms & Dads]
Celebrities at Large
I just stood behind a Grey's Anatomy star in line at the Sunset & Vine Washington Mutual! It wasn't Patrick Dempsey, AKA Dr. McDreamy. Nor was it hot surgical intern Alex, more's the pity. And it wasn't even the heroin-thin star of the show Ellen Pompeo. Nope, I stood behind... drum roll... that red-haired nurse who spreads syphilis around the hospital! Oh well. Nurse Syphilis (she's not even listed on the Grey's Anatomy imdb page, for chrissake) is as unassuming in real life as in the show, and chewed her lips in that rabbity way of hers for the whole bank line. I can't even find an image of her online, so here's one of Dr. McDreamy who, lets face it, we'd all much rather see.
– Steven Corfe
Penis Envoy
If you like cock and you're not too discerning, you'll like this clip from The World's Biggest Penis, the third in a trilogy of World of Wonder TV dickumentaries airing in England on Channel 4. (The other two installments are The Perfect Penis and Chopped Off.) Unlike US networks, Channel 4 has no qualms airing dick. And the dicks really do get an airing here. But be warned that although The World's Biggest Penis centers on how big ones can sometimes be an enormous burden, these big ones are not certifiable porn; they're the cocks next door, the kind of penises you're likely to find around the house. Only bigger. (Watch)
Nine Stories
Randy Barbato had nine things on his mind this morning:
Sasha Cohen > - I'm less sad about her not winning the gold than I am about her VOICE!
< Bobby Bennett - I hated seeing his spirit crushed on American Idol. I cried. Almost.
Paris Bennett > - Stop cramming her down our throats! Yes, we know she comes from R&B royalty! But I don't care who her mama is, or grandma, she is no Fantasia!
Oprah and sex - Perfect together - NOT! Call me old fashioned. They just don't go together. Or do they? You be the judge. (Just listen)
Got luge - Matt and Al know what their audience wants! More interracial man-on-man action! This morning they re-ran their playful luge clip.
Lisa Rinna - I miss her. She should be on TV all the time. There should be a Lisa Rinna channel!
< Ryan Seacrest - Could it be that he's just a nice guy? Gay or not?
Pete Burns - Come to America! Now!
Donald Trump - Did you know he has a university? Moye wants a bumper sticker.
The Basement Tapes
Mary Lynn Rajskub, who plays one of the new mad characters on 24 that Fenton was raving about in the last podcast, currently stars in Firewall, was oddly riveting as the crippled girl in Mysterious Skin, and was hilarious on Kelsey Grammar's The Sketch Show. In 2003, she appeared on WOW's The Award Show Awards Show and talked about, um, awards shows. "They're a cry for help," she said. (Watch the clip)
Surfin' Safari
You know, we really have to wonder how Fenton even came across our clip from Zsa Zsa Gabor's workout tape on notthatboy's website. But he did, don't ask. Then, he says, he found this which led to this. You can thank him in the comments section.
Confessions of a Hollywood Extra
NEW FEATURE BY SHAM IBRAHIM
In 1999 when I was barely 18, I worked as a $60-a-night go-go dancer at a sleazy San Francisco nightclub. One night, a girl approached me and snapped a picture. She wrote down my number and mumbled something about Timothy Hutton. The next day, I was told I had been cast in a film and should report to "set" for my "call time" – 9:30 AM. "Camera ready."
I wore hideous club kid cliché to the set of Just One Night: purple hair, green lipstick, blue eye shadow, platform shoes, vinyl pants, and a shirt that resembled a Rubik's cube. I knew I wasn't the star of the film when I saw 200 or so other "club kids" standing around. The next indication was the voucher I filled out which classified me as "non-union" and established my pay rate at $45 for eight hours.
I would've left right then and there, but I spotted Udo Kier emerging from his trailer. He looked disheveled and irritated. I was convinced that if I talked to him he would put me in touch with Madonna and we'd all be best friends. When I approached him, however, he was totally disgusted. I shoved my phone number in his pocket and forced him to take a picture with me but he insisted on having the makeup girl in the photo. The rumor on the set was he had a nasty early morning drinking habit and was always in a foul mood.
My stripper friend Jenny had also been hired as an extra. She had already given the producer of the movie a blowjob in his trailer and had been doing coke with him all morning. She introduced me to him and he snagged me by the arm and seated me at a table with Timothy Hutton, Maria Grazia Cucinotta, and Seymour Cassel. The next thing I knew, the cameras were rolling. As quickly as it happened, someone yelled cut and my big scene was over. (Watch clip)
More...Wake-Up Calls
• Who's that ghoul? Defrocked dentist one of four charged with robbing graves, selling body parts.
• Ring around the collar? Federal funds for teen abstinence program, Silver Ring Thing, used for Christian proselytizing.
• Son of Who's that ghoul? Man asks convenience store clerk to warm up severed penis in microwave.
• KO OK? Joe Pesci not charged for punching out fan.
• Who banned Roger Rabbit? China outlaws movies and TV shows combining live-action and animation.
• What can 99¢ get you these days? Michigan man buys one-billionth iTunes song, wins 20-inch iMac, 10 60GB iPods, and $10,000 music card.
• How's that other cheek working for you? Vatican changes opinion on cartoon uproar after two priests are killed.
• Bonds have morph fun? Old James Bond defends new James Blond. "He's a hulluva good actor."
• How's he going to cast his movies now? Director Tamahori not permitted to loiter, hang in alleys, or accept rides from strangers.
SFXellent
This must be seen. It's a video of beat-boxer Faith SFX performing with the BBC Philharmonic orchestra. Scroll down to "Faith SFX" at this link and watch him steal the show with his rendition of 'Ginuwine's Pony.' Amazing.
– Donal Coonan
February 23, 2006
Howser 'Bout That
Neil Patrick Harris may think he's suppressing his past with movie and Broadway roles, other TV series, guest spots on other TV series, and currently his standout role as Barney on the wooden, overrated hit TV series How I Met Your Mother, but it's not possible to deny that inner child. Just got an email from a colleague, Skylar Smith, who said, "Doogie Howser MD was buying a Jamba Juice next to me the other day. They made mine first and messed up his order." Still Doogie, 13 years after.
Idol Hams Are the Devil's Playground
As Randy Barbato said earlier today, he thinks all the male contestants on American Idol this year are gay gay gay. So we had our non-gay techie Ted sit in front of the TiVo and asked him to pick out subtle gay things in last night's performances. This is his montage of what he found homorific, set to Patrick singing Melissa Etheridge (to which Randy says, "Hellooooo"). All we see, though, is Seacrest being hilariously Seacrest, bless him. (Watch the clip)
Latest Poop on Missing Pup
Perhaps that three-year-old dog that escaped its cage at LAX after the Westminster Dog Show in New York had interpreted Devo's "Whip It" as "Whippet" and took to heart the lyric "Give the past the slip" and skedaddled across the airport tarmac, eschewing the past to seek its future. That was over a week ago and Vivi, as C'est La Vie is known to her intimates, still has not been seen or found. But the good news is that the award-winning pup's co-owner Paul Lepiane has employed not one but 12 psychics to guide the 100 volunteers involved in the search and competing for the $5,000 reward. "They are telling us that she is alive and they are telling us she is warm," said a friend close to the participants. "They are saying she's in a building – but there are hundreds of buildings." So they are telling them nothing. (We hope, though, that they are not telling them of the report posted on Popbitch that Vivi was drowned in a puddle near the airport, weighed down by her sodden designer wool coat.) Ah, but turds speak volumes. Lepiane said dog "droppings" consistent with Vivi's were discovered behind an airport cargo building.
Shirting the Issue
Ray Cochran writes:
Oh God. You know those moments when the very delicate balance of things gets tipped based on one stupid little action and all hell breaks loose? The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand comes to mind. One bullet and – BAM! – we've got World War One. Well, yesterday I think it happened again. Tom Gregory, a gay activist, won the Brokeback Mountain shirts worn by Ledger and Gyllenhaal in the flick. It was an auction for charity. He paid $101,000 and change for the privilege of hanging the shirts in his, um, closet or wherever. Actually, he said he plans to build a special plastic casing for them, which is sweet I guess, if not borderline creepy and a little fetishy.
Cutting Humour
World of Wonder has a vlog called thisisaknife running in the UK on the Channel 4 website. Unfortunately, it's geoblocked and thus unavailable here in the States. Pity, because it's delightfully mental, like the Brit version of Rocket Boom. However, whilst surfing the net earlier today we stumbled across an episode on You Tube and fell smack on our funny bone. Take a look. (Watch more thisisaknife here)
Posting Bond
Of course you know about the Brosnan fans who will boycot any James Bond film that stars Daniel Craig, starting with Casino Royale, recoiling at the idea of an OO7 being cast against type: young, short, blond, and thick of features. They've created a website to support their concern. But we like the new guy. We're partial to a roughly handsome actor who'll suggest going nude even if the director doesn't feel it's necessary for the scene. So what that he can't drive a stick and will be unable to maneuver Bond's classic Aston Martin DB5? Ever heard of movie magic? Plus Bond should be driving a Prius in 2006. Totally tricked-out, of course. No dastardly international foe would see that coming.
Small, Yellow, and Anthem
They're calling this Spongeback Mountain, but it could just as simply been called Spongebob Queerpants or Spongebob Squaredance. So how many Brokeback Mountain lampoons does this make now? 20? 30? Someone should count. But, boy, those opening chords of the movie theme sure stir up homosexual feelings in a fella and let you know you're in for a rollicking gay time. It's almost Pavlovian – even more so than "I Will Survive." The Brokeback soundtrack is the new gay anthem.
Idol Talk
Says Randy Barbato: PopMuse is the first to OUT someone from American Idol, but I say all the male contestants are gay! Idol's gone Brokeback!
A Program Note
Entertainment Weekly can, as usual but more so right now, suck our prodigious willy. The PopWatch feature of EW's online edition has a cloying but unfunny attempt to steal Defamer's inspired humor with an item called How to tell Sasha Cohen and Sacha Baron Cohen apart. But the WOW Report made the observation about the Sasha/Sacha similarity totally without words in an Of Interest post a month ago.
[A bit later: The WOW Report editor has just come back from Starbucks, blissfully caffeined, and even he realizes now just how cranky the above item must seem.]
February 22, 2006
Sitings
• Combover.com. Role models for the hair impaired.
• Meg insteada Uma in Pulp Fiction? Not Starring reveals the roles the stars didn't get. (t/y Nick)
• All the latest news on Sasquatch, with photos. Sort of.
• 1,000 years of stuff that happened. Most recent 100 years not so thorough.
The Pod That Men Do Casts After Them
It wouldn't be current without some Olympics talk around the WOW table. Randy's partial to curling; it's like shuffleboard, only tense. Is Johnny Weir the Pete Burns of ice, the Richie Rich of ice, the Boy George of ice, or the Jake Gyllenhaal of ice? It depends who's doing the comparing. Talk skates into Dancing with the Stars. Everybody was ballroom dancin'. Lisa Rinna. Drew Lachey. That singer. Fenton wants to discuss 24 and its increasing number of mad characters, but no one's watching it. Didja hear that crazy lady from Trading Spouses got a part in a horror movie? Billy Bush wants Today but will probably replace Bob Barker on The Price Is Right, don't you think? Those overbearing reporters of TV newzak shows. Mary Hart. Isaac Mizrahi vs Todd Oldham. Justin the teenage porno-hustler on Oprah. James explains teenage boys having sex with older men – from experience. (And there was that class trip to Paris.) Feel, Chris Heath's live-in bio of Robbie Williams: The secret of success is compromise. Ashley Angel Parker. Madonna and her oxygen. Then James remembers that time in 1997 when he first wore this blue jacket. And you were there and you were there....
Brain Frieze
OK, yeah, this isn't a frieze, we know, it's a clip. But what the hell, it's from the Kids in the Hall's 1996 feature film, Brain Candy, so it IS rather like a coarse, shaggy woolen cloth with an uncut nap, especially when it concerns Kids trouper Scott Thompson. We're not saying he's method acting in this jaunty, musical "I'm Gay" sequence from the film, we're just saying. And who among us hasn't felt exactly this same way, huh? Who? (Watch the frieze)
5ive Questions: Sparks
Before we begin, it must be said that this editor is the most fanatical fan of Sparks, the smartest, most thrilling, and funniest pop duo ever, from Kimono My House through Lil' Beethoven. In fact, we joined the official fan club back in the '70s and the brothers were the subject of the first-ever interview we conducted, backstage somewhere in New York City. We're waiting for their next album, Hello Young Lovers, to drop, like a designer shoe, on March 21.
Describe yourself as if you were writing a personals ad.
Debonair guys with big song catalogue seek sympathetic ears for lasting relationship.
If you had two tickets to paradise, where would you go and who would you take?
Tokyo...a blond chick.
Who plays you in the movie?
Steve Martin as Ron Mael. Jake Gyllenhael as Russell.
Who do you go to for advice?
My local supermarket, Ralphs.
What makes you cry?
Umbrellas of Cherbourg.
BONUS: Toilet paper - under or over?
I have a bidet.
Shelf Life: Fiction Faction
Los Angeles writer Bruce Wagner, called "a millennial heir to Nathaniel West" by the stultifying NY Times, has found himself a $5,000 finalist in the 2006 PEN/Faulkner Awards for his book, The Chrysanthemum Palace, and we couldn't be prouder, although there's no reason why we should be. You might recall Wagner's word-packed debut, Force Majeure, and his word-a-thon cellphone trilogy, I'm Losing You, I'll Let You Go, and Still Holding. He writes so many words it was about time he had something to show for it. There were three other finalists in the contest and a proper winner ($15,000 went to E L Doctorow for The March) but we're not interested in them. But you might be: Doctorow, Karen Fisher, William Henry Lewis, James Salter.
There Are No Winners in a Divorce?
Brad Pitt gets to keep Angelina Jolie. Everything else is just chicken feed. You'd think, anyway. But in the inevitable multimillion-dollar property settlement with Jennifer Aniston, she gets the $29 million house in Beverly Hills and he gets controlling interest in the ex-couple's Plan B production company, worth about $50 million. Of course, last time we checked Aniston had a personal worth of $106 million and Pitt rang in at $132 million, so Angelina Jolie is the tie breaker.