November 30, 2005
The St. James Version
THIS 'N' THAT FROM THIS MONTH'S PERIODICALS
1. It was Marilu Henner, of all people, who taught me one of the most important "rules of thumb" when dressing for a big event. It was in the movie LA Story with Steve Martin, so it’s not like I was actually getting fashion tips from Marilu Henner – CAN YOU IMAGINE? – it was just something her character said that really resonated. She was explaining how to accessorize an outfit. She said to stand in front of a full-length mirror, turn your back to it, then SPIN AROUND quickly. THE FIRST THING YOU SEE, TAKE OFF. That’s the ONE THING that’s ruining the outfit. It’s the one thing that’s "too much." Now, regarding the ladies in the picture at right. Oh, I totally get where they were both going with their outfits. I can just hear Eva saying, “Quel chapeau!” and Chloe saying, “Don’t I look sophisticated?” And don’t get me wrong, they both look perfectly DIVINE. I’m just sayin'. If it was up to Marilu, they would both lose their charming little hats, and maybe then they wouldn’t be made fun of in the pages of Us magazine.
2. What is Paper magazine's Mr Mickey doing in this Slim Aaron photograph from 1961?
3. Maybe Prince Charles' penis is a little smaller than we were led to believe.
4. This is a shaggy dog story that doesn’t seem to have a point, and may not even be funny or coherent, but just stay with me. In 1996, when Gwyneth Paltrow was beginning to get a lot of press, she did an interview with New York magazine. Now, the Gwyneth Paltrow of today has learned how to give good quote, and knows how not to come off like the snotty prep-school ice-bitch that she really is. She’s found her hook – motherhood – and that’s something she can discuss that’s easily accessible to everyone. But back then all she knew to talk about was how privileged she was, blah blah blah, and how tiresome it was, blah blah blah. Well, in this one interview, she said something to the effect that she’s got her own life away from Hollywood and that “my best friend, Betsy Kittenplan – from Spence? – keeps me grounded.” AND OH MY GOD, I ROARED AT THAT SENTENCE! I must have laughed for six or seven years! I cut it out and carried it in my wallet FOREVER. You just have to say it out loud in a Thurston Howell, lockjaw voice. And you have to say "from Spence?” as a question, as if SURELY you know we aren’t rerferring to the Betsy Kittenplan from Yonkers. I JUST LOVE IT. Whenever I have to RSVP for anything, I always call and say that I’ll be coming and bringing “my best friend, Betsy Kittenplan – from Spence?” And then I laugh hysterically for another year or so.
OK. I PROMISE THIS IS GOING SOMEWHERE. That was just the back story. SO. In this month’s Details magazine (with Jake Gyllenhaal on the cover) there is a little bio of Anthony Swafford on the contributors page. Now Anthony, of course, wrote that book Jarhead, and YOU KNOW he must be feeling his oats right now, with JAKE FUCKING GYLLENHAAL portraying him in the movie (Seth who?). And I’m sure he’s a TOTAL PAIN IN THE ASS to be around this month. Just really full of himself. So in this little bio section, he’s talking about all the poor men and women who have been sent off to die in Iraq, and what a shame it is that most of them never got to see what a truly magnificent country they are dying for. Then, to illustrate his point, he says, “The bison stroganoff in Whitefish is sublime.” Like, just out of the blue like that. Well, of course I cut it out and hung it on my bulletin board so I can laugh at for the next seven or eight years. I just find myself saying it OVER AND OVER. It sounds like the kind of non-sequitur secret agents say to each other. “Pssst, the bison stroganoff in Whitefish is sublime.” “They say marigolds have bloomed in Cape Hatteras!” Or a mnemonic device like “My Very Earnest Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles” (the order of the planets) or “Do Men Ever Visit Boston” (the order of British peerage). Whoever can think up the best mnemonic device for “The bison stroganoff in Whitefish is sublime” gets an autographed copy of Party Monster, the book, and maybe a DVD.
5. Have we discussed People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive? I don’t know. I just don’t know. While there’s no denying that Mathew McConaghey is one sexy hunk of Texas man-meat, I can’t help but think this was Jake’s year, and they really missed the boat. Of course, when you see some of their other choices (Dennis Leary? Really? John O’Hurley? Huh? Steve Carell? YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING!) you realize the panel of judges is really just an old fat woman who watches a lot of Judging Amy and JAG.
The ONE HOTTIE that totally blew me away though, was THIS BOY. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! It’s NICK NOLTE'S SON, can you believe it? And he has single-handedly given me reason to go on. He is all I live for anymore. Unfortunately, he lives in London, so I guess it's off to London for me.
– James St. James
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Comments
-- UrethraFranklin ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://worldofwonder.net/nav-commenters.gif)
| November 30, 2005 6:06 PM
OMG! A contest! You know how I live for contests!! I'll get my pink feather pen and commence straight away!
-- jsj | November 30, 2005 6:44 PM
I guess we can enter as many times as we want...
To
Be
Served
With
Smegma
-- UrethraFranklin | November 30, 2005 7:18 PM
Contest Entry:
Ted's
Balls
Slapped
Incessantly
While
Invading
Steve
-- jsj | November 30, 2005 7:26 PM
EWWWWWW for People Mag - get a clue on what sexy really is.
Contest Entry -
Totally
Bitchen
Seth
Is
Wonderful
Imitating
St. James
-- Maura | December 1, 2005 8:13 AM
Gwynneth Paltrow makes it quite clear in her riders for public appearances what makes of car she will and will not be seen in. The best way to remember what kind of car she refuses, is to remember the mnemonic device “The bison stroganoff in Whitefish is sublime” - this stands for:
Toyota
Buick
Saturn
Isuzu
Wagon(volks)
Infiniti
Saab
Thank you for your cooperation.
-- Matilda | December 1, 2005 9:16 AM
When Apple needed to know things in and adjacent to the ocean for her preschool test Mommie Gwen changed up her Car adversion mnemonic device “The bison stroganoff in Whitefish is sublime” to cover
Tetonic Plates
Basin
Stream (gulf)
Istmas
Wreaks
Island
Stream (Pacific jet)
If I win will you auction off the autographed book and donate the money to OperationMilitaryPride.org please.
-- TheMOM | December 1, 2005 9:57 AM
Love your insight and your killer sense of humour!
I think that "The Bison Stroganoff In Whitefish Is Sublime" stands for the seven signs of having contracted an STD:
T - tingling
B - burning
S - stinging
I - itchiness
W - weeping
I - impotence
S – sex with KFed’s leftovers (or KFed himself...although you might want to expand the list to include a "C" for "Cheesy odour".)
Annie
-- Ann Davie | December 1, 2005 3:28 PM
Love your insight and your killer sense of humour!
I think that "The Bison Stroganoff In Whitefish Is Sublime" stands for the seven signs of having contracted an STD:
T - tingling
B - burning
S - stinging
I - itchiness
W - weeping
I - impotence
S - sex with KFed's leftovers (or KFed himself...although you might want to expand the list to include a "C" for "Cheesy odour".)
Annie
-- Ann Davie | December 1, 2005 3:30 PM
Im determined to win so i have another...and for the record IM KEEPING THE BOOK if i win!!!
Total
Bull
Shit
Is
What
I
Speak
and as you say this mnemonic to yourself just pretend that you are JAKE GYLLENHAAL delivering this line in character *blows kisses*
-- UrethraFranklin | December 1, 2005 3:36 PM
If Urethra is doing more than one, then I am doing more than one.
Tossing
Bradley's
Salad
Is
Worth
Impending
Sin
-- jsj | December 1, 2005 4:45 PM
Long-time viewah, first-time postah:
Tawdry
Bottoms
Serve
It
With
Insatiable
Salacity
-- Calyx | December 1, 2005 8:43 PM
OMG a contest!!!!!
Tim's
Beefy
Sausage
Is
Without
Its
Semen
The
Brightist
Sun
Inflames
Worlds
In
Sin
The
Biggist
Snake
Injests
Womens
Internal
Sex
-- Radon | December 1, 2005 9:32 PM
Tight
Boys
Support
Immaculacy,
Withholding
Inviolable
Snatch
-- Calyx | December 2, 2005 5:32 AM
Well so far my favorite seems to be the signs of an STD. REMEMBER-- a mnemonic device is a way to remember a list using the first letters. I should have given instructions or at least an explanation of what I was looking for. I'll decide on Monday, but as for now, the seven signs of an STD are the ones to beat. :-)
-- JAMES | December 2, 2005 4:29 PM
"King Philip Cuts Open Five Green Snakes" is one for "Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus and Species"---
Makes it much harder, doesn't it?
I'm totally sending the winning one to Anthony Swafford to let him know what how pretentious he is.
-- JAMES | December 2, 2005 5:02 PM
James, James, James. You have it all WRONG. A mnemonic device IS a SENTENCE used to remember a list in order. Or, in your case, the order of the first letters of the words in a sentence in order- TBSIWIS. Her mnemonic was only another list of words. You would need YET ANOTHER mnemonic to remember the order of the letters, therefore rendering itself completely useless.
Take this example:
0 I 0
I 0 U
0 -1 0
-1 0 U
(I know when this posts it won't come out with four rows of three characters, but anyway...)
This is something used for trigonometry (sine/cosines or something). I can't even remember what it is for because I haven't needed it for 11 years, but I remember EXACTLY the pattern because of this PHRASE:
oh I owe
I owe you
oh I don't owe
I don't owe you
SEEEE!?!? If it had been a random bunch of words put together I would have NEVER remembered that. But I did because it was a PHRASE.
Still not convinced? What does this mean?:
PEMDAS- Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally
It is the order of operations-
Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition, Subtraction
See to remember a list of words, you must have a phrase, like most everyone else offered. Not another list of words that would be equally effective in another order.
-- jsj | December 2, 2005 5:34 PM
^^^ Oh, well look at that! It did come out right!
-- jsj | December 2, 2005 5:35 PM
OMG! Okay. I DO see where you were going with that. You wanted "The Bison Stroganoff In Whitefish Is Sublime." To BE the mnemonic device, not a device so you could remember that senseless sentence.
I guess that does makes sense. What am I talking about? Of course it doesn't.
-- jsj | December 2, 2005 5:41 PM
OH THANK GOD!!!!!!
jsj--I thought i was going INSANE!!! You are right--and i wanted to post something but i didnt know HOW!!
James ~jsj~ is RIGHT my dear---and i JUST said the same thing before i left this evening---"why would he want a list for his mnemonic, that defeats the purpose of the mnemonic."
another excellent mnemonic is ROY G. BIV (red, orange, yellow, green, blue indigo, violet~~colors of a rainbow in order) The mnemonic helps you remember the list---the list doesnt help you remember the mnemonic.
am i confused?? am i missing something?? HEEEELPPP!!!
-- UrethraFranklin | December 2, 2005 8:43 PM
No, you are not confused. That's what it is. He wants a list that can be remembered by saying "The bison stroganoff in whitefish is sublime". I know, it's a little twisted.
-- jsj | December 3, 2005 1:36 AM
^^^^hmmmm....alrighty then...a list it is...*still tries to wrap brain around this idea* Im still in the fight *sits in a corner to contemplate*
BBL
-- UrethraFranklin | December 3, 2005 3:31 AM
Ok heres my first attempt--is this what you mean??
A list of overused text messaging or Instant messaging abbreviations
TTYL
BRB
SUP
IC
WTF
IDK
SYL
-- UrethraFranklin | December 3, 2005 4:21 AM
Ok hee a list of some of Urees favorite British slang:
Throat yogurt (semen)
Boob (mistake)
Skint (no money)
Innit (isn't it)
Wanker (fucker)
In the club (pregnant)
Snog (kiss passionatly)
-- UrethraFranklin | December 3, 2005 5:12 AM
Important prison slang that every inmate should know!!
Tuck - to sneak contaband anally
Bumpin ya gums - talk excessively
Split your wig - quick punch to the head
In my mouth - someone's listening to the conver.
War daddy - protector of inmate, for favors
In the hat - targeted for death
Shark - guard that watches men shower
-- UrethraFranklin | December 4, 2005 6:16 AM
Signs that you spend too much time on the computer :)
Takes laptop when leaving home
Beelines to computer after work
Stays home way too much
Ignores phone
Wonders, "what could be more fun?"
Imprint of ass on desk chair
Speaks in cyberlanguage
-- UrethraFranklin | December 4, 2005 6:46 AM
Check-list of a wild night
Tazer
Butt Plug/Ball Gag (your pick)
Six-inch Stellettos
Iron Cuffs
Wax (melted)
Ice Cubes
Strawberrys Syrup
Derogatory terms referring to the penis
Tiplips
Burn Callouses
Secrot Line
Indigo
Wrinkle Neck
Intervaginal Needle
Skull Cap
-- Radon | December 4, 2005 6:20 PM
Hey jsj- you might have been thinking of "Two Old Angels Skipped Over Heaven Carrying Ancient Harps" which is the way to remember the equations for Tangent, Sine, and Cosine. 'O' stands for opposite, 'A' stands for adjacent, and 'H' stands for hypotenuse. Therefore, Tangent = Opposite/Adjacent; Sine = Opposite/Hypotenuse; Cosine = Adjacent/Hypotenuse. I don't use that one very much either, but there you go.
And YES I was looking for 'The Bison Stroganoff' etc to BE the device to remember the list. So while I really like a lot of them today (especially the checklist for the wild night, very funny Radon)-- I'm still going with the symptoms for an STD. Congratulations Ann Davie.
-- JAMES | December 5, 2005 3:30 PM
Wow! Great! I'm really looking forward to reading the book.
How do I go about getting you my details?
Thanks again!
Annie
-- Ann Davie | December 5, 2005 3:57 PM
congrats Ann!!
-- UrethraFranklin | December 5, 2005 5:07 PM
Congratulations, Ann!
James- No, that isn't the one I was thinking of, but that's a good one, too. I am fairly certain that I was thinking of one that had something to do with something else, but I do remember that it did involve sines, cosines, and tangents. Damn my memory. I wish I could remember.
Anyway, I can't believe someone won who hasn't even read the book! LOL. Oh, well. Enjoy it, honey, it's FAAAABULOUS!
-- jsj | December 6, 2005 3:15 AM
Ann- e-mail me here at jsj@worldofwonder.net, if i don't hear from you in a couple of days I'll have our techie track down YOUR e-mail.
-- JAMES | December 7, 2005 2:32 PM
James..I adore you..turn straight so we can get married =)
-- emilyyy | December 7, 2005 8:09 PM
I think we're missing the point here. Miss Marilu Henner. My inspiration growing up. So beautiful in Taxi. I hope you were not meaning mean things about Miss Marilu.
-- DanDan | December 11, 2005 8:59 PM
Hi!
[url=thanks for sharing][/url]
-- Oregon | February 13, 2007 10:55 AM
clips marlboro hsbcauto check internbation dyslexia association sex monopoly usnews grand shores ocean resort knuckles hilton vegas
-- Papayua | July 6, 2007 5:27 AM
subaru and isuzu novelty doorbell ringers big creek country pants hellow my darling hellow my baby hellow my rag time gale nyc department of vital statistics it-216 forms poregnancy sears parts unusual shoes emigrant
-- Papaycg | July 6, 2007 5:27 AM
“my best friend, Betsy Kittenplan – from Spence? – keeps me grounded.” AND OH MY GOD, I ROARED AT THAT SENTENCE! I must have laughed for six or seven years!
-----------------------------------
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH DEAR JAMES!!!! You have touched on a nerve!!! I have always HATED GWYNETH with every fiber of my being!!! And THIS is exactly one of the reasons WHY!!!! Shes such a SNOT!! GRRRRR.... and everyone gushes over her like shes gods gift to hollywood...Newsflash---SHE CANNOT ACT!!! Newsflash----SHES LANKY and walks like a drugged out GORILLA!!!---Newsflash----THAT PINK DRESS SHE WORE DIDNT FIT HER!!!
Just the mere fact that you have LAUGHED right along WITH ME for the past 7 years or so touches my soul DEEPLY!!! Once again you have put a huge cheesy smile on my face!!! MWAH!!
OK---CONTEST----
Whoever can think up the best mnemonic device for “The bison stroganoff in Whitefish is sublime” gets an autographed copy of Party Monster, the book, and maybe a DVD.
-----------------------------------------
Tommy's
Ball
Sac
In
Wine
Is
Sensational