All I Want for Christmas

Moye Ishimoto writes:

The holiday season has officially begun, and everyone's still clamoring to find that perfect "it" gift of the year. Tickle-Me Elmo? So 1998. The new pink RAZR, iPod Nanos, and Madonna's album? Five letters: Zzzzz. This year, the only thing everyone will want for Christmas is Chuck Norris. No, not a Chuck Norris action figure or all 15 seasons of Walker, Texas Ranger on DVD, but the ultimate one and only CHUCK NORRIS.

In a time when legends are scarce, this hard-hitting, high-kickingTexas Ranger rides around in the battle for justice, and makes sure law and order are always on hand. But I'm really talking about his two legs. You know, rumor has it that he tried to sue NBC's Law and Order since he had trademarked the words "law" and "order" as names for his left and right legs. And any of the lawyers who tried to argue back in court were instantaneously killed when Chuck Norris stared back at them from the stand.

And the real reason why Christopher Reeve ended up in a wheelchair was that Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the back for taunting him about not having any superpowers.

I heard directly from my friend Andrew that the first time Chuck Norris played poker, he went all in on the first hand. When the next guy folded his cards, Chuck Norris exploded his head instantly with a lightening fast roundhouse kick and walked away from the table saying, "No one folds on Chuck Norris." And to this day, he has won every single poker game.

I know you're thinking, wouldn't it make more sense if Chuck had killed the guy for calling on his bet instead of folding? Exactly. That's why he's dead and the game is called "Texas Hold Em."

All right, so I'm stealing most of these stories from the Random Chuck Norris Fact Generator, a website where users can vote on the most accurate, authentic and outrageous truths about our old-fashioned hero from the West. So what if the list was originated by some nerds on the Internet who wanted to showcase their fact generator program online. I'm telling you, after learning all the things that Chuck Norris has done, I'd do anything to find him under the Christmas tree.

Chuck Norris is the new pink.

– Moye Ishimoto

Related entries:

1. Of Interest: Monkey See Edition: Sarah Jessica Parker in a PhilipTreacy topper...
2. Quote Unquote: "I have never been so shocked, hurt,...
3. Jodie Foster Outs Self, Dumps Partner: In December, at a Women in Entertainment...
4. Sean Penn Opens Cannes of Worms: France, once the smokingest country in the...
5. Quote Unquote: "I don't have a candidate I'm supporting...