From the Desk of the JG

We learned today of the sad passing of a brilliant comedic mind. Mitch Hedberg was one of the funniest stand-ups around. Here is just a small piece of his genius. – Jim Galasso

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means it's dirty.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
 
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
 
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic." "Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Why are there no "during" pictures.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

When someone hands you a flier, it's like they're saying, 'Here, you throw this away.'

I wish I could play Little League now. I'd be way better than before.

I had a bag of Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They reminded me of when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, "Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like mine."

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again" because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No. But I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

[Ed note: Read what there is to read about Hedberg's death at mtv.com.]